Emotions All Over the Place

As I stood in the shower this morning, a wave of many feelings hit me.  Looking down at myself and realizing that in a little over a week, my boobs are going to be gone.  Sure, they are going to be replaced with bigger and perkier ones.....eventually, but those are not mine.  Okay, maybe they will be since they'll be paid for by me.

Anyhow, I find myself angry at my body for turning against me.  That I have to take part of myself away to keep the cancer from spreading or showing up in the other side.  I recently had some friends tell me that my boobs don't make me a woman, and maybe that is true, I just don't feel that way right now.  I feel like a part of me is going to be gone.  Not just the physical aspect, but an emotional side of it.

Then there is the side that is so sad.  Sure, these boobs are going to look great once they are done and the tattoos are on them, but they aren't mine.  Not really.  There's not going to be any feeling in them from what I understand.  That bothers me.  That really bothers me and hurts.

Let's not forget the insecure side of me.  I wonder after all this is over, is my husband still going to think I am pretty?  Is he still going to want someone who is damaged?  Will he look at me the same?  I'd like to believe that even through this, he's going to love me no matter what, but I'm not so sure.

I know some of these ramblings are pretty ridiculous to some, but it's how I am feeling today.  Maybe I'll come to terms with what is happening.  Maybe I won't.  I guess I just will have to wait and see.