Such a Good Day

So I went and saw Dr. Mess today.  She said that everything is looking wonderful.  I have great cleavage and the shape is perfect.  She even said that she could tell that there was a difference in where the lipo was done and that once the swelling is down I will be very pleased.  I also am allowed to wear my own pretty bras during the day, but I still have to wear the sports bras at night.  I'm okay with that though.

Right now I am pleased anyhow.  I do know that there is still quite a bit of swelling, but I can tell where I have been sculpted.  While that part has been painful, it was a part that made sure that I looked normal.  I would take the pain of that any day as long as I never have to hear that I have cancer again.

I also stopped over to see Miss Vickie today.  I always enjoy my visits with her.  She's such a character so full of life.  A true blessing full of strength to help get you through it all.  She talked to me about thinking that I would be great to be a support person for those who are also dealing with cancer.  I have had my really bad moments, but I have made it through.  My journey is nearly over, and I am more than happy with that.

There is also an event on Thursday where I get to go to the Breast Center and sign the quilt of the patients there.  I am a survivor, and it feels so good.  I'm going to make sure that I take the time out of my day to go to this event.  I think I'm even going to take the kids so they can see that this is something that is important to me.

Oh, and just for another note, I went and got myself inked on Saturday.  I did my pink ribbon with survivor on it.  While Andy hates it, I love it.  It is a representation of what I have been through.  It has meaning to it.  So for your viewing pleasure, here it is.

When Does It Stop?

New pics have been added for those who wish to see.

The pain and all the other crap that goes with it.  I've been doing some Googling.  (Sorry Renee)  Most of the information I have found says that the liposuction pain goes away in a couple of days.  I'm 6 days post op and still feel like I am being ripped in 2 pieces.

The bruising is lightening up, so that's a good thing.  I just wish the inside bruising didn't feel as bad as it does.  The effects of the lipo should be apparent 4-6 weeks from now.  I'm hoping for 4 weeks.  I would really like to go back to wearing clothes that are not yoga pants, even though they are comfy.

The scars on my boobs are healing beautifully.  One of the things that bothers me about them is that they aren't even remotely close to being even.  If you look at the pics you'll see what I am talking about.  I wasn't sure that this would bother me, but it does.  Any tattoo that I choose to put on there is going to have to be modified so that it allows for the symmetrical look.  No matter what it is, I will figure it out.

In the last couple of days I have found myself on Pinterest looking for the perfect tattoo that represents my battle.  I've seen a few that I really like and would be front runners, but would obviously be modified so that they are more of an original piece.  I'm gonna stick that tattoo on my back left shoulder blade.  It'll be able to be covered up, but it will also be able to be seen.  Hopefully I can get that tat inked on me within the next week and hopefully it won't cost me a fortune.

After all of the emotional turmoil that I have been dealing with since the surgery, I have to start letting it go and start doing for me.  The physical pain is tolerable with my meds, but the emotional pain on top of it is not bearable.  I don't really know what has prompted me to share this personal emotional side of me with all of you.  Maybe because I can't continue to let these kinds of things roll in my head.  Maybe it is a part of the healing process.  Maybe it is just information out there for anyone dealing with the same thing.

I just hope that my being honest about the things I am dealing with don't come back to bite me in the ass as they always have.  I want to be able to move forward from all of this.  I want people to see that there is hope even when it seems like there is none.  I want others to know that people are resilient.  Sure all of the painful stuff piled in to one seems like a bit much, but someway, somehow, you will make it through.

My bed is calling my name, so I should try and get some rest and hope that I don't wake up the same way I did today.  If you can only remember one thing, remember that you have the capacity to be a strong person.  Even though I again find myself struggling, I wish all of you a beautiful and blessed day/night.

An Emotional Mess

I'm not really sure what my deal is with being an emotional mess.

I've had some personal things happen with my family in the last few days, which I am sure is contributing to the emotional mess, but I was feeling like this before all of that.  I don't like talking about those personal things, just know that it is not the kind of thing I need to be dealing with after all of the things I have already dealt with just with my health.

I know when I posted the other day, I mentioned doing a whole bunch of crying.  It just seems to be getting worse.  I'm not really sure if my regular meds are working as they should be.  Probably should say something to the doctor about that.

I know that my expectations of people are pretty high.  In fact I would expect them to show me the same kind of courtesy that I have shown them during difficult times in their lives.  This is where I have started to realize how many people that have been in my life really don't give a damn, and frankly they never have.  I see that now.

Granted I posted how I was doing on Facebook, but since the surgery, I have had 1 friend, ONE call me to ask me how I was doing.  I then had 1 other person shoot me a message to ask me how I was doing.  Do you know how lonely it is to realize when you don't really have friends?  I'm not talking about the 54 amazing ladies who have been there to listen to me and be there for me through this.

I am talking about people who I have met in person.  People I have spent time with.  People who know the real me and not just the me they see on the computer.  It's pretty damn lonely that these people who have pretended for years upon years to be your friend, only to show that they don't care.

Granted I beat a cancer that was pretty easy to beat because of finding it as soon as I did.  Of course because I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and lose my hair, it's not a bad enough cancer to have support.  In fact, it's a cancer that most people wouldn't consider cancer because it doesn't require the harsh drugs.

I've heard reactions from people who have laughed about it.  It's no big deal.  You'll get over it.  Mind you, these are people who swore were my friends.  I've had people make comments about me not looking like I have endured all of these surgeries.

Just because I am not deathly ill from chemo and such doesn't mean that this whole process hasn't been painful.  Sure, 3 surgeries in a 6 month time span sucks, a lot.  I have watched anesthesia cause me to lose big chunks of my hair.  I've watched my scalp starting to show right in the front unless I have my hair all scrunched up into curls or pulled up in a pony tail.  I have gone from having my own breasts that I liked, to having no breasts with nasty scars, to weekly injections that hurt and caused excrutiating pain, while looking at misshapen objects that were put in place of my boobs.  Then I go in and have the implants put in.  They look beautiful, despite the nasty scars that are on them, but they really aren't mine.  The pain from the lipo is more than I can deal with.  I can't hold my kids, I can't lay how I want to.  Sleep is avoiding me.  Frankly I am miserable right now, and just wish that the healing were over and I could go on with my life.

That's just the physical aspect of it all.  The emotional aspect is even harder to deal with.  I've spent the majority of this time making jokes about it.  I laugh about having wanted new boobs, but I sure didn't want to get them because of cancer.  I laughed about the perk of lipo so that I could at least lose some of this weight, but that is just another mask.  I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror.  I honestly hate myself and what I see.  Obviously this is how others see me as the personal issues just continue.  I obviously have very little value, or people would stop making things in my life more complicated than they already are, especially 5 days after a major surgery.

I am constantly putting a smile on when I really don't want to.  I have to put this facade on so that people won't question my ability to be a good wife, daughter, mom and friend.  Inside I am dying though.  I can't be the real me without people making comments like previously mentioned.

This has not been an easy journey.  This is the ugly side of this disease.  I can't speak for everyone else out there who has dealt with breast cancer, but I'm sure the consensus would be that more often than not you just have to fake it to make it.  Reality is, people don't want to see the truth about how this disease tears the person apart.  Sure, in the long run you can hold your head up and say that you beat it, but just muddling through it day after day is the hard part.

Sorry for such a long post.  I have a ton of thoughts rolling around and I'm trying to get them out while I'm waiting on the pain meds to kick in and just make me pass out.  If some of this doesn't make sense, please refer back to the statement of me being on heavy duty pain meds.

While I may be struggling right now, I wish you all a beautiful and blessed day.