My tattoos are finally complete. So that means my journey with cancer is complete. While it is no longer an active part of my life, it is still part of who I am. I am a 14 1/2 month survivor.
I still have days where I struggle with the emotional side of things. I at least don't have to worry about looking at those nasty scars again. Of course those scars could have been worse than what they were, but I don't have to look at them anymore.
I waited until all of my tattooing was done to post pics on here because I wanted people to see the entirety of the beauty of the tattoos together. The symbolism with my tattoos is that the fairy blew the cancer away.
I don't know if I'll keep up with this blog since my cancer and reconstruction journey is over, but I am for sure leaving it up for anyone who happens to need it. With that said, check out the picture area to see my final results.
Just remember, each of you are stronger than anything that tries to take you down. Live each day to the fullest. Don't let the small things in life ruin the bigger picture. Always know that there are people out there who care. Never give up on yourself. Love yourself, battle scars and all. Finally, there is always, always, always HOPE!
Monday, October 20, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Today Is the Day
Today is the day. I am finally getting my tattoos to cover up my scars. I woke up so excited and still am. The one part of this journey that has kept me sad is going to go away. Okay, maybe they won't go away, but they are going to be covered up so I won't have to see them.
I know for some people, they can wear their scars proudly to show that they beat cancer. I on the other hand have had a terrible time dealing with them. I know that it is a symbol of rising above a nasty disease, but emotionally, it hasn't been easy. I've used the Rejuvasil religiously, but it hasn't faded these scars enough. I still find myself looking in the mirror in disgust. I don't want to do that anymore.
When I look at my chest, I want to smile. I want to be comfortable looking at myself again. These tattoos are going to be the symbol of strength for me. So while I am emotional about having them done, I know that this is the final step of this journey.
I don't know if my tattoo artist will really be able to understand the effects that her work is going to have on me. I'm sure through talking with her about everything, she'll know how appreciative I am for what she is doing for me. She has the ability to take away something painful.
I'm hoping one of the other artists or even the manager can take random pictures for me so that I can share them with ya'll. More than anything, I would love for there to be a picture of the reveal to me. Just so I can see for myself, the reaction that I'm going to have.
If you wanna check out my tattoo artist Jackie, this is where you can find her. http://www.blacklotustattoos.com/jackie-singer-sabur.html She also works in the shop owned by the famous Halo Jankowski that you can find on this season of Inkmaster on Spike tv.
For now, I'm going to mentally prepare myself for this step and will post when the beauties are done. May each and every one of you have a beautiful and blessed day.
I know for some people, they can wear their scars proudly to show that they beat cancer. I on the other hand have had a terrible time dealing with them. I know that it is a symbol of rising above a nasty disease, but emotionally, it hasn't been easy. I've used the Rejuvasil religiously, but it hasn't faded these scars enough. I still find myself looking in the mirror in disgust. I don't want to do that anymore.
When I look at my chest, I want to smile. I want to be comfortable looking at myself again. These tattoos are going to be the symbol of strength for me. So while I am emotional about having them done, I know that this is the final step of this journey.
I don't know if my tattoo artist will really be able to understand the effects that her work is going to have on me. I'm sure through talking with her about everything, she'll know how appreciative I am for what she is doing for me. She has the ability to take away something painful.
I'm hoping one of the other artists or even the manager can take random pictures for me so that I can share them with ya'll. More than anything, I would love for there to be a picture of the reveal to me. Just so I can see for myself, the reaction that I'm going to have.
If you wanna check out my tattoo artist Jackie, this is where you can find her. http://www.blacklotustattoos.com/jackie-singer-sabur.html She also works in the shop owned by the famous Halo Jankowski that you can find on this season of Inkmaster on Spike tv.
For now, I'm going to mentally prepare myself for this step and will post when the beauties are done. May each and every one of you have a beautiful and blessed day.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
It's Been Awhile
So it's been awhile since I've posted. Not much has really gone on. I've been in the healing stages and waiting for the scars to disappear more. Of course they haven't, so I have scheduled my appointment to have my cover up tattoos done. I ended up deciding on pieces that I believe are absolutely amazing and will convey the message of this journey.
The tattoo shop I go to is Black Lotus Tattoo Gallery that sits just outside the base here. The owner of the shop is a contestant on InkMaster this season. I'm very excited to be able to see Halo and how he does on the show. I did get to see him when I went in for my consultation with my tattoo chick Jackie. I am so totally psyched to be able to get this done. This will truly be the end of this journey for me.
What I find is totally amazing is that all of this will be done before my 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. It's crazy how medical technology can take care of things so quickly.
I'll have 1 more trip to see Dr. Mess. That'll be after the tattoos heal so that she can take pics to put in with all of my other pics that are examples of her work. The transformation through pics I'm sure is amazing. After having taken my own pics and seen how things played out, I am very pleased. No way would I want anyone else to have to go through what I did, but sometimes it is a reality of life.
One of the things that I have learned is that when the doctor tells you no heavy lifting, she does mean it. We ended up getting about 16 inches of snow in a 24 hour time frame. Everything was buried and we did have to dig out. While Mike did a majority of the work, I found myself out there helping him. It took me a couple of days to recuperate from the pains I was having in my chest. So now I know what not to do and not to stress my chest out.
So anyhow, back to the whole tattoo thing. I am scheduled for a 4 hour time slot on March 6th. Since my chest is still numb, I'm sure that this will be fairly easy to get through. I think the only thing that may be weird is the feeling the pressure of when she is inking me. I do feel pressure, but as for anything else, nothing. I do hope that someday I'll get feeling back at least in the skin. Who knows though.
Well, I think that is all that I have for now. Be looking out for the pictures right after the tattoos are done and then the final product after they are healed. Until then, may you all have blessed days, and remember to check your rack. You never know what may be lurking in there.
The tattoo shop I go to is Black Lotus Tattoo Gallery that sits just outside the base here. The owner of the shop is a contestant on InkMaster this season. I'm very excited to be able to see Halo and how he does on the show. I did get to see him when I went in for my consultation with my tattoo chick Jackie. I am so totally psyched to be able to get this done. This will truly be the end of this journey for me.
What I find is totally amazing is that all of this will be done before my 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. It's crazy how medical technology can take care of things so quickly.
I'll have 1 more trip to see Dr. Mess. That'll be after the tattoos heal so that she can take pics to put in with all of my other pics that are examples of her work. The transformation through pics I'm sure is amazing. After having taken my own pics and seen how things played out, I am very pleased. No way would I want anyone else to have to go through what I did, but sometimes it is a reality of life.
One of the things that I have learned is that when the doctor tells you no heavy lifting, she does mean it. We ended up getting about 16 inches of snow in a 24 hour time frame. Everything was buried and we did have to dig out. While Mike did a majority of the work, I found myself out there helping him. It took me a couple of days to recuperate from the pains I was having in my chest. So now I know what not to do and not to stress my chest out.
So anyhow, back to the whole tattoo thing. I am scheduled for a 4 hour time slot on March 6th. Since my chest is still numb, I'm sure that this will be fairly easy to get through. I think the only thing that may be weird is the feeling the pressure of when she is inking me. I do feel pressure, but as for anything else, nothing. I do hope that someday I'll get feeling back at least in the skin. Who knows though.
Well, I think that is all that I have for now. Be looking out for the pictures right after the tattoos are done and then the final product after they are healed. Until then, may you all have blessed days, and remember to check your rack. You never know what may be lurking in there.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
A Beautiful Day
Today I went to the breast center for the Celebration of Life. While I was there I signed a quilt that will hang on the wall, and the chair that sits in the lobby. I did get to spend more time with Miss Vickie too. That's always a bonus.
So when I signed the quilt and chair, the comment was made asking if I had signed "Cornbread", on the quilt I didn't, but on the chair I went back and did. The "Cornbread" nickname came from Miss Vickie. We had a discussion one time about different foods and such, and I shared with her how I like soup beans and cornbread. Well, after that, she deemed me "Cornbread". I'll take it. :-)
Not only did I get to spend time with Miss Vickie, I also spent some time with Miss June, who I'd only met twice. Miss June is a lot like Miss Vickie with her funny, bubbly and caring personality. The more people I meet connected with my care team, the more and more thankful I am that I have had them.
I'm actually drawing a blank right now on what else to write. Probably because I have 2 conferences and a paper to write for school. If I think of something else later on, I'll be on here to post it. So for now, here are the pics of me signing the quilt and chair. Once Miss Vickie gets the pics of her and I together sent to me, I'll post those too.
I wish each of you a beautiful and blessed night.
So when I signed the quilt and chair, the comment was made asking if I had signed "Cornbread", on the quilt I didn't, but on the chair I went back and did. The "Cornbread" nickname came from Miss Vickie. We had a discussion one time about different foods and such, and I shared with her how I like soup beans and cornbread. Well, after that, she deemed me "Cornbread". I'll take it. :-)
Not only did I get to spend time with Miss Vickie, I also spent some time with Miss June, who I'd only met twice. Miss June is a lot like Miss Vickie with her funny, bubbly and caring personality. The more people I meet connected with my care team, the more and more thankful I am that I have had them.
I'm actually drawing a blank right now on what else to write. Probably because I have 2 conferences and a paper to write for school. If I think of something else later on, I'll be on here to post it. So for now, here are the pics of me signing the quilt and chair. Once Miss Vickie gets the pics of her and I together sent to me, I'll post those too.
I wish each of you a beautiful and blessed night.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Such a Good Day
So I went and saw Dr. Mess today. She said that everything is looking wonderful. I have great cleavage and the shape is perfect. She even said that she could tell that there was a difference in where the lipo was done and that once the swelling is down I will be very pleased. I also am allowed to wear my own pretty bras during the day, but I still have to wear the sports bras at night. I'm okay with that though.
Right now I am pleased anyhow. I do know that there is still quite a bit of swelling, but I can tell where I have been sculpted. While that part has been painful, it was a part that made sure that I looked normal. I would take the pain of that any day as long as I never have to hear that I have cancer again.
I also stopped over to see Miss Vickie today. I always enjoy my visits with her. She's such a character so full of life. A true blessing full of strength to help get you through it all. She talked to me about thinking that I would be great to be a support person for those who are also dealing with cancer. I have had my really bad moments, but I have made it through. My journey is nearly over, and I am more than happy with that.
There is also an event on Thursday where I get to go to the Breast Center and sign the quilt of the patients there. I am a survivor, and it feels so good. I'm going to make sure that I take the time out of my day to go to this event. I think I'm even going to take the kids so they can see that this is something that is important to me.
Oh, and just for another note, I went and got myself inked on Saturday. I did my pink ribbon with survivor on it. While Andy hates it, I love it. It is a representation of what I have been through. It has meaning to it. So for your viewing pleasure, here it is.
Right now I am pleased anyhow. I do know that there is still quite a bit of swelling, but I can tell where I have been sculpted. While that part has been painful, it was a part that made sure that I looked normal. I would take the pain of that any day as long as I never have to hear that I have cancer again.
I also stopped over to see Miss Vickie today. I always enjoy my visits with her. She's such a character so full of life. A true blessing full of strength to help get you through it all. She talked to me about thinking that I would be great to be a support person for those who are also dealing with cancer. I have had my really bad moments, but I have made it through. My journey is nearly over, and I am more than happy with that.
There is also an event on Thursday where I get to go to the Breast Center and sign the quilt of the patients there. I am a survivor, and it feels so good. I'm going to make sure that I take the time out of my day to go to this event. I think I'm even going to take the kids so they can see that this is something that is important to me.
Oh, and just for another note, I went and got myself inked on Saturday. I did my pink ribbon with survivor on it. While Andy hates it, I love it. It is a representation of what I have been through. It has meaning to it. So for your viewing pleasure, here it is.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Refreshed....Just a Little
Since this is November, the month of thankfulness, I want to start this blog out with the thing I am thankful for today.
I am thankful for Miss Vickie, Dr. Jacobs, Renee, and Dr. Mess. All of these wonderful ladies have been my cancer care team. I'm not sure where I would be without them, but I know that I am a healthier and better person because of them.
Now on to the original sentiments of today's blog.
So for the first time in I'm not sure how long, I spent part of the day pampering myself. I honestly started to forget what it felt like to have me time and to feel pretty again. Of course the pretty started before I even went to the salon.
I actually put on one of my bras today. You know, my collection of beautiful Victoria's Secrets bras. I'm pretty sure that I'll need to go up a bit, but I'm okay with it. Honestly, looking at how it looked on me, I cried. I cried like a baby. For the first time in a long time, I cried tears of joy.
Standing there looking in the mirror at my rebuilt boobs in one of my favorite bras was priceless. There was no way to really describe all of the emotions and how I truly felt in those moments. I finally looked at myself through the tears and saw my chest like I used to see it.
While these boobs are implants, they look as much like my own, with the exception of the nipples, which I am not having reconstructed. I knew this process was going to be hard. I knew I was going to have to change. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy all of the time, but I pushed through it because I had to. What is my reward? Looking and feeling like a woman again in my own skin. That is a priceless feeling.
So, what did I do at the salon? I cut quite a bit off of my hair. While it may look the same to some, it's not, and I sure can tell the difference. I absolutely love it. I also darkened it up a lot with a deep red and added some subtle lighter red highlights. I tried to keep as much of the length as possible, but did have to part ways with some of it as it was in such bad shape. Not completely because of not taking care of it, but the anesthesia does some pretty bad things to your hair.
I used to tell my customers that when I was in the hair industry, I just never was sure why since it was just something that I had learned. Now I know first hand. As much as I wanted to have the long, long sleek hair, my body wasn't going to allow me to, and I am okay with that. At this point, anything that makes me feel better is a good thing. So, with that said, I will leave you with 2 pictures. 1 is my new look and the other is in the pics section since it is the boobs.
I wish you all a beautiful and blessed night.
I am thankful for Miss Vickie, Dr. Jacobs, Renee, and Dr. Mess. All of these wonderful ladies have been my cancer care team. I'm not sure where I would be without them, but I know that I am a healthier and better person because of them.
Now on to the original sentiments of today's blog.
So for the first time in I'm not sure how long, I spent part of the day pampering myself. I honestly started to forget what it felt like to have me time and to feel pretty again. Of course the pretty started before I even went to the salon.
I actually put on one of my bras today. You know, my collection of beautiful Victoria's Secrets bras. I'm pretty sure that I'll need to go up a bit, but I'm okay with it. Honestly, looking at how it looked on me, I cried. I cried like a baby. For the first time in a long time, I cried tears of joy.
Standing there looking in the mirror at my rebuilt boobs in one of my favorite bras was priceless. There was no way to really describe all of the emotions and how I truly felt in those moments. I finally looked at myself through the tears and saw my chest like I used to see it.
While these boobs are implants, they look as much like my own, with the exception of the nipples, which I am not having reconstructed. I knew this process was going to be hard. I knew I was going to have to change. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy all of the time, but I pushed through it because I had to. What is my reward? Looking and feeling like a woman again in my own skin. That is a priceless feeling.
So, what did I do at the salon? I cut quite a bit off of my hair. While it may look the same to some, it's not, and I sure can tell the difference. I absolutely love it. I also darkened it up a lot with a deep red and added some subtle lighter red highlights. I tried to keep as much of the length as possible, but did have to part ways with some of it as it was in such bad shape. Not completely because of not taking care of it, but the anesthesia does some pretty bad things to your hair.
I used to tell my customers that when I was in the hair industry, I just never was sure why since it was just something that I had learned. Now I know first hand. As much as I wanted to have the long, long sleek hair, my body wasn't going to allow me to, and I am okay with that. At this point, anything that makes me feel better is a good thing. So, with that said, I will leave you with 2 pictures. 1 is my new look and the other is in the pics section since it is the boobs.
I wish you all a beautiful and blessed night.
Friday, November 1, 2013
When Does It Stop?
New pics have been added for those who wish to see.
The pain and all the other crap that goes with it. I've been doing some Googling. (Sorry Renee) Most of the information I have found says that the liposuction pain goes away in a couple of days. I'm 6 days post op and still feel like I am being ripped in 2 pieces.
The bruising is lightening up, so that's a good thing. I just wish the inside bruising didn't feel as bad as it does. The effects of the lipo should be apparent 4-6 weeks from now. I'm hoping for 4 weeks. I would really like to go back to wearing clothes that are not yoga pants, even though they are comfy.
The scars on my boobs are healing beautifully. One of the things that bothers me about them is that they aren't even remotely close to being even. If you look at the pics you'll see what I am talking about. I wasn't sure that this would bother me, but it does. Any tattoo that I choose to put on there is going to have to be modified so that it allows for the symmetrical look. No matter what it is, I will figure it out.
In the last couple of days I have found myself on Pinterest looking for the perfect tattoo that represents my battle. I've seen a few that I really like and would be front runners, but would obviously be modified so that they are more of an original piece. I'm gonna stick that tattoo on my back left shoulder blade. It'll be able to be covered up, but it will also be able to be seen. Hopefully I can get that tat inked on me within the next week and hopefully it won't cost me a fortune.
After all of the emotional turmoil that I have been dealing with since the surgery, I have to start letting it go and start doing for me. The physical pain is tolerable with my meds, but the emotional pain on top of it is not bearable. I don't really know what has prompted me to share this personal emotional side of me with all of you. Maybe because I can't continue to let these kinds of things roll in my head. Maybe it is a part of the healing process. Maybe it is just information out there for anyone dealing with the same thing.
I just hope that my being honest about the things I am dealing with don't come back to bite me in the ass as they always have. I want to be able to move forward from all of this. I want people to see that there is hope even when it seems like there is none. I want others to know that people are resilient. Sure all of the painful stuff piled in to one seems like a bit much, but someway, somehow, you will make it through.
My bed is calling my name, so I should try and get some rest and hope that I don't wake up the same way I did today. If you can only remember one thing, remember that you have the capacity to be a strong person. Even though I again find myself struggling, I wish all of you a beautiful and blessed day/night.
The pain and all the other crap that goes with it. I've been doing some Googling. (Sorry Renee) Most of the information I have found says that the liposuction pain goes away in a couple of days. I'm 6 days post op and still feel like I am being ripped in 2 pieces.
The bruising is lightening up, so that's a good thing. I just wish the inside bruising didn't feel as bad as it does. The effects of the lipo should be apparent 4-6 weeks from now. I'm hoping for 4 weeks. I would really like to go back to wearing clothes that are not yoga pants, even though they are comfy.
The scars on my boobs are healing beautifully. One of the things that bothers me about them is that they aren't even remotely close to being even. If you look at the pics you'll see what I am talking about. I wasn't sure that this would bother me, but it does. Any tattoo that I choose to put on there is going to have to be modified so that it allows for the symmetrical look. No matter what it is, I will figure it out.
In the last couple of days I have found myself on Pinterest looking for the perfect tattoo that represents my battle. I've seen a few that I really like and would be front runners, but would obviously be modified so that they are more of an original piece. I'm gonna stick that tattoo on my back left shoulder blade. It'll be able to be covered up, but it will also be able to be seen. Hopefully I can get that tat inked on me within the next week and hopefully it won't cost me a fortune.
After all of the emotional turmoil that I have been dealing with since the surgery, I have to start letting it go and start doing for me. The physical pain is tolerable with my meds, but the emotional pain on top of it is not bearable. I don't really know what has prompted me to share this personal emotional side of me with all of you. Maybe because I can't continue to let these kinds of things roll in my head. Maybe it is a part of the healing process. Maybe it is just information out there for anyone dealing with the same thing.
I just hope that my being honest about the things I am dealing with don't come back to bite me in the ass as they always have. I want to be able to move forward from all of this. I want people to see that there is hope even when it seems like there is none. I want others to know that people are resilient. Sure all of the painful stuff piled in to one seems like a bit much, but someway, somehow, you will make it through.
My bed is calling my name, so I should try and get some rest and hope that I don't wake up the same way I did today. If you can only remember one thing, remember that you have the capacity to be a strong person. Even though I again find myself struggling, I wish all of you a beautiful and blessed day/night.
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