A Beautiful Day

Today I went to the breast center for the Celebration of Life.  While I was there I signed a quilt that will hang on the wall, and the chair that sits in the lobby.  I did get to spend more time with Miss Vickie too.  That's always a bonus.

So when I signed the quilt and chair, the comment was made asking if I had signed "Cornbread", on the quilt I didn't, but on the chair I went back and did.  The "Cornbread" nickname came from Miss Vickie.  We had a discussion one time about different foods and such, and I shared with her how I like soup beans and cornbread.  Well, after that, she deemed me "Cornbread".  I'll take it.  :-)

Not only did I get to spend time with Miss Vickie, I also spent some time with Miss June, who I'd only met twice.  Miss June is a lot like Miss Vickie with her funny, bubbly and caring personality.  The more people I meet connected with my care team, the more and more thankful I am that I have had them.

I'm actually drawing a blank right now on what else to write.  Probably because I have 2 conferences and a paper to write for school.  If I think of something else later on, I'll be on here to post it.  So for now, here are the pics of me signing the quilt and chair.  Once Miss Vickie gets the pics of her and I together sent to me, I'll post those too.

I wish each of you a beautiful and blessed night.

Such a Good Day

So I went and saw Dr. Mess today.  She said that everything is looking wonderful.  I have great cleavage and the shape is perfect.  She even said that she could tell that there was a difference in where the lipo was done and that once the swelling is down I will be very pleased.  I also am allowed to wear my own pretty bras during the day, but I still have to wear the sports bras at night.  I'm okay with that though.

Right now I am pleased anyhow.  I do know that there is still quite a bit of swelling, but I can tell where I have been sculpted.  While that part has been painful, it was a part that made sure that I looked normal.  I would take the pain of that any day as long as I never have to hear that I have cancer again.

I also stopped over to see Miss Vickie today.  I always enjoy my visits with her.  She's such a character so full of life.  A true blessing full of strength to help get you through it all.  She talked to me about thinking that I would be great to be a support person for those who are also dealing with cancer.  I have had my really bad moments, but I have made it through.  My journey is nearly over, and I am more than happy with that.

There is also an event on Thursday where I get to go to the Breast Center and sign the quilt of the patients there.  I am a survivor, and it feels so good.  I'm going to make sure that I take the time out of my day to go to this event.  I think I'm even going to take the kids so they can see that this is something that is important to me.

Oh, and just for another note, I went and got myself inked on Saturday.  I did my pink ribbon with survivor on it.  While Andy hates it, I love it.  It is a representation of what I have been through.  It has meaning to it.  So for your viewing pleasure, here it is.

Refreshed....Just a Little

Since this is November, the month of thankfulness, I want to start this blog out with the thing I am thankful for today.

I am thankful for Miss Vickie, Dr. Jacobs, Renee, and Dr. Mess.  All of these wonderful ladies have been my cancer care team.  I'm not sure where I would be without them, but I know that I am a healthier and better person because of them.

Now on to the original sentiments of today's blog.

So for the first time in I'm not sure how long, I spent part of the day pampering myself.  I honestly started to forget what it felt like to have me time and to feel pretty again.  Of course the pretty started before I even went to the salon.

I actually put on one of my bras today.  You know, my collection of beautiful Victoria's Secrets bras.  I'm pretty sure that I'll need to go up a bit, but I'm okay with it.  Honestly, looking at how it looked on me, I cried.  I cried like a baby.  For the first time in a long time, I cried tears of joy.

Standing there looking in the mirror at my rebuilt boobs in one of my favorite bras was priceless.  There was no way to really describe all of the emotions and how I truly felt in those moments.  I finally looked at myself through the tears and saw my chest like I used to see it.

While these boobs are implants, they look as much like my own, with the exception of the nipples, which I am not having reconstructed.  I knew this process was going to be hard.  I knew I was going to have to change.  I knew that it wasn't going to be easy all of the time, but I pushed through it because I had to.  What is my reward?  Looking and feeling like a woman again in my own skin.  That is a priceless feeling.

So, what did I do at the salon?  I cut quite a bit off of my hair.  While it may look the same to some, it's not, and I sure can tell the difference.  I absolutely love it.  I also darkened it up a lot with a deep red and added some subtle lighter red highlights.  I tried to keep as much of the length as possible, but did have to part ways with some of it as it was in such bad shape.  Not completely because of not taking care of it, but the anesthesia does some pretty bad things to your hair.

I used to tell my customers that when I was in the hair industry, I just never was sure why since it was just something that I had learned.  Now I know first hand.  As much as I wanted to have the long, long sleek hair, my body wasn't going to allow me to, and I am okay with that.  At this point, anything that makes me feel better is a good thing.  So, with that said, I will leave you with 2 pictures.  1 is my new look and the other is in the pics section since it is the boobs.

I wish you all a beautiful and blessed night.

When Does It Stop?

New pics have been added for those who wish to see.

The pain and all the other crap that goes with it.  I've been doing some Googling.  (Sorry Renee)  Most of the information I have found says that the liposuction pain goes away in a couple of days.  I'm 6 days post op and still feel like I am being ripped in 2 pieces.

The bruising is lightening up, so that's a good thing.  I just wish the inside bruising didn't feel as bad as it does.  The effects of the lipo should be apparent 4-6 weeks from now.  I'm hoping for 4 weeks.  I would really like to go back to wearing clothes that are not yoga pants, even though they are comfy.

The scars on my boobs are healing beautifully.  One of the things that bothers me about them is that they aren't even remotely close to being even.  If you look at the pics you'll see what I am talking about.  I wasn't sure that this would bother me, but it does.  Any tattoo that I choose to put on there is going to have to be modified so that it allows for the symmetrical look.  No matter what it is, I will figure it out.

In the last couple of days I have found myself on Pinterest looking for the perfect tattoo that represents my battle.  I've seen a few that I really like and would be front runners, but would obviously be modified so that they are more of an original piece.  I'm gonna stick that tattoo on my back left shoulder blade.  It'll be able to be covered up, but it will also be able to be seen.  Hopefully I can get that tat inked on me within the next week and hopefully it won't cost me a fortune.

After all of the emotional turmoil that I have been dealing with since the surgery, I have to start letting it go and start doing for me.  The physical pain is tolerable with my meds, but the emotional pain on top of it is not bearable.  I don't really know what has prompted me to share this personal emotional side of me with all of you.  Maybe because I can't continue to let these kinds of things roll in my head.  Maybe it is a part of the healing process.  Maybe it is just information out there for anyone dealing with the same thing.

I just hope that my being honest about the things I am dealing with don't come back to bite me in the ass as they always have.  I want to be able to move forward from all of this.  I want people to see that there is hope even when it seems like there is none.  I want others to know that people are resilient.  Sure all of the painful stuff piled in to one seems like a bit much, but someway, somehow, you will make it through.

My bed is calling my name, so I should try and get some rest and hope that I don't wake up the same way I did today.  If you can only remember one thing, remember that you have the capacity to be a strong person.  Even though I again find myself struggling, I wish all of you a beautiful and blessed day/night.

An Emotional Mess

I'm not really sure what my deal is with being an emotional mess.

I've had some personal things happen with my family in the last few days, which I am sure is contributing to the emotional mess, but I was feeling like this before all of that.  I don't like talking about those personal things, just know that it is not the kind of thing I need to be dealing with after all of the things I have already dealt with just with my health.

I know when I posted the other day, I mentioned doing a whole bunch of crying.  It just seems to be getting worse.  I'm not really sure if my regular meds are working as they should be.  Probably should say something to the doctor about that.

I know that my expectations of people are pretty high.  In fact I would expect them to show me the same kind of courtesy that I have shown them during difficult times in their lives.  This is where I have started to realize how many people that have been in my life really don't give a damn, and frankly they never have.  I see that now.

Granted I posted how I was doing on Facebook, but since the surgery, I have had 1 friend, ONE call me to ask me how I was doing.  I then had 1 other person shoot me a message to ask me how I was doing.  Do you know how lonely it is to realize when you don't really have friends?  I'm not talking about the 54 amazing ladies who have been there to listen to me and be there for me through this.

I am talking about people who I have met in person.  People I have spent time with.  People who know the real me and not just the me they see on the computer.  It's pretty damn lonely that these people who have pretended for years upon years to be your friend, only to show that they don't care.

Granted I beat a cancer that was pretty easy to beat because of finding it as soon as I did.  Of course because I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and lose my hair, it's not a bad enough cancer to have support.  In fact, it's a cancer that most people wouldn't consider cancer because it doesn't require the harsh drugs.

I've heard reactions from people who have laughed about it.  It's no big deal.  You'll get over it.  Mind you, these are people who swore were my friends.  I've had people make comments about me not looking like I have endured all of these surgeries.

Just because I am not deathly ill from chemo and such doesn't mean that this whole process hasn't been painful.  Sure, 3 surgeries in a 6 month time span sucks, a lot.  I have watched anesthesia cause me to lose big chunks of my hair.  I've watched my scalp starting to show right in the front unless I have my hair all scrunched up into curls or pulled up in a pony tail.  I have gone from having my own breasts that I liked, to having no breasts with nasty scars, to weekly injections that hurt and caused excrutiating pain, while looking at misshapen objects that were put in place of my boobs.  Then I go in and have the implants put in.  They look beautiful, despite the nasty scars that are on them, but they really aren't mine.  The pain from the lipo is more than I can deal with.  I can't hold my kids, I can't lay how I want to.  Sleep is avoiding me.  Frankly I am miserable right now, and just wish that the healing were over and I could go on with my life.

That's just the physical aspect of it all.  The emotional aspect is even harder to deal with.  I've spent the majority of this time making jokes about it.  I laugh about having wanted new boobs, but I sure didn't want to get them because of cancer.  I laughed about the perk of lipo so that I could at least lose some of this weight, but that is just another mask.  I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror.  I honestly hate myself and what I see.  Obviously this is how others see me as the personal issues just continue.  I obviously have very little value, or people would stop making things in my life more complicated than they already are, especially 5 days after a major surgery.

I am constantly putting a smile on when I really don't want to.  I have to put this facade on so that people won't question my ability to be a good wife, daughter, mom and friend.  Inside I am dying though.  I can't be the real me without people making comments like previously mentioned.

This has not been an easy journey.  This is the ugly side of this disease.  I can't speak for everyone else out there who has dealt with breast cancer, but I'm sure the consensus would be that more often than not you just have to fake it to make it.  Reality is, people don't want to see the truth about how this disease tears the person apart.  Sure, in the long run you can hold your head up and say that you beat it, but just muddling through it day after day is the hard part.

Sorry for such a long post.  I have a ton of thoughts rolling around and I'm trying to get them out while I'm waiting on the pain meds to kick in and just make me pass out.  If some of this doesn't make sense, please refer back to the statement of me being on heavy duty pain meds.

While I may be struggling right now, I wish you all a beautiful and blessed day.

4 Days Post Op

*So I am 4 days post op.  Friday I went in at 10:00.  Surgery was supposed to start at 11:30 but was delayed because Dr. Mess' first case was delayed.  No problem though.  Not like I was going anywhere without having my surgery done.

As always we started out with the same routine of if I ate or drank.  Was my insurance the same?  Had I been feeling well?  You know...all the random stuff they ask you before they drug you up and start cutting you open.  I was doing great for the most part with managing stress and anxiety.  That was until it really hit me that this was going to be almost the very end of this journey.  The anxiety did pick up a little bit, but I was okay once I was headed in.

Aunt Sandy came out here to take me to my surgery and help me out for a few days.  Andy had an assessment for work that couldn't be rescheduled on Friday, so I didn't expect him to be at the hospital when I woke up, but he was.  So of course that made me overly emotional seeing that my husband made it there to be with me.  Then of course thinking about Mike being stressed out thinking I was going to be a mess like I was after the mastectomy and then Landen being at home so sick.  Everything just made me want to cry.

Surgery took a little more than 3 hours.  I came out of it feeling pretty good other than the nausea.  I honestly think that the oxygen is what makes me nauseous.  It seems like any time they have had the oxygen on me, I just feel so sick.  I'm not totally sure why since oxygen is good for you.

As for the pain, it seemed to be at a minimum....at least until I stood up.  I felt like I was being tore in 2 by my top and my bottom.  That came from having fat grafting done.  So with my new boobs, I was able to get some of my fat gone.  Right now you can't tell from the amount of bruising and swelling, but I'm pretty sure enough was taken to drop me 2 pants sizes.  Can't beat getting a bit of lipo so that my implants will look more natural.

The last couple of days I've been doing fairly well, as long as I don't have to bend over.  I of course am not allowed to be lifting anything, not that I would want to.  It sucks because I want to be able to hold and hug the kids and dogs, but am afraid of them hitting me the wrong way and me being in pain all over again.

So today I went in for my post op appointment.  Dr. Mess said that everything looked good.  She slathered me up with Neosporin and put gauze back on me.  I have to go back next Monday to make sure that all is healing well still.  Even with the scarring, I am very impressed with the shape and feel of the implants.  Eventually they will be more and more squishy and the cleavage will be back to normal, or as normal as possible with implants.

For now that is all that I have for you.  For those of you who are interested, the pics from Friday are with the photos section.  I hope that all of you have a beautiful and blessed day.

Picking Back Up

I know I've been pretty quiet.  I've used this blog just for my journey, so with there having been nothing going on, I sort of let it go.  I did think about posting a few times, but most of the things I would talk about wouldn't even relate to my journey.  With that said, there is an update.

I went and had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Mess today.  They took another picture so that there is a baseline as to where she needs to put my implants and all that good stuff.  Besides talking about my numerous questions, we discussed how I am feeling about this whole thing.

To be honest, I am really looking forward to this surgery.  I'm not afraid anymore.  Sure I don't like the idea of being cut open again, but I also don't like laying on these rocks.  That's the best way that I can describe how these tissue expanders feel.  I am a belly sleeper, and I haven't been able to comfortably sleep the way that I want just because of how hard these are.  I just want to have squishy boobs again.

We talked about going back in through the scars that are already there, that way I don't have 2 sets of scars. Sounds good to me.  If they fade out as well as these ones have, then I don't think that it will be too hard for me to get past the look of them.  I'll have to post a picture of how they look before I go in for my surgery that way ya'll can see how good the scarring actually looks.

Since implants really don't look real, I also get to have some fat grafting done.  This will be where Dr. Mess will make an incision near my belly button and suck fat out.  The fat will then be transplanted to my chest to fill in the dents between my collarbone and the implants.  It's not something that can be seen in a picture, but in person you can actually see where I am concave.  So essentially, I get to lose a bit of fat too.  Can't really beat that, and I sure won't complain.  That's for sure.