My tattoos are finally complete. So that means my journey with cancer is complete. While it is no longer an active part of my life, it is still part of who I am. I am a 14 1/2 month survivor.
I still have days where I struggle with the emotional side of things. I at least don't have to worry about looking at those nasty scars again. Of course those scars could have been worse than what they were, but I don't have to look at them anymore.
I waited until all of my tattooing was done to post pics on here because I wanted people to see the entirety of the beauty of the tattoos together. The symbolism with my tattoos is that the fairy blew the cancer away.
I don't know if I'll keep up with this blog since my cancer and reconstruction journey is over, but I am for sure leaving it up for anyone who happens to need it. With that said, check out the picture area to see my final results.
Just remember, each of you are stronger than anything that tries to take you down. Live each day to the fullest. Don't let the small things in life ruin the bigger picture. Always know that there are people out there who care. Never give up on yourself. Love yourself, battle scars and all. Finally, there is always, always, always HOPE!
Monday, October 20, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Today Is the Day
Today is the day. I am finally getting my tattoos to cover up my scars. I woke up so excited and still am. The one part of this journey that has kept me sad is going to go away. Okay, maybe they won't go away, but they are going to be covered up so I won't have to see them.
I know for some people, they can wear their scars proudly to show that they beat cancer. I on the other hand have had a terrible time dealing with them. I know that it is a symbol of rising above a nasty disease, but emotionally, it hasn't been easy. I've used the Rejuvasil religiously, but it hasn't faded these scars enough. I still find myself looking in the mirror in disgust. I don't want to do that anymore.
When I look at my chest, I want to smile. I want to be comfortable looking at myself again. These tattoos are going to be the symbol of strength for me. So while I am emotional about having them done, I know that this is the final step of this journey.
I don't know if my tattoo artist will really be able to understand the effects that her work is going to have on me. I'm sure through talking with her about everything, she'll know how appreciative I am for what she is doing for me. She has the ability to take away something painful.
I'm hoping one of the other artists or even the manager can take random pictures for me so that I can share them with ya'll. More than anything, I would love for there to be a picture of the reveal to me. Just so I can see for myself, the reaction that I'm going to have.
If you wanna check out my tattoo artist Jackie, this is where you can find her. http://www.blacklotustattoos.com/jackie-singer-sabur.html She also works in the shop owned by the famous Halo Jankowski that you can find on this season of Inkmaster on Spike tv.
For now, I'm going to mentally prepare myself for this step and will post when the beauties are done. May each and every one of you have a beautiful and blessed day.
I know for some people, they can wear their scars proudly to show that they beat cancer. I on the other hand have had a terrible time dealing with them. I know that it is a symbol of rising above a nasty disease, but emotionally, it hasn't been easy. I've used the Rejuvasil religiously, but it hasn't faded these scars enough. I still find myself looking in the mirror in disgust. I don't want to do that anymore.
When I look at my chest, I want to smile. I want to be comfortable looking at myself again. These tattoos are going to be the symbol of strength for me. So while I am emotional about having them done, I know that this is the final step of this journey.
I don't know if my tattoo artist will really be able to understand the effects that her work is going to have on me. I'm sure through talking with her about everything, she'll know how appreciative I am for what she is doing for me. She has the ability to take away something painful.
I'm hoping one of the other artists or even the manager can take random pictures for me so that I can share them with ya'll. More than anything, I would love for there to be a picture of the reveal to me. Just so I can see for myself, the reaction that I'm going to have.
If you wanna check out my tattoo artist Jackie, this is where you can find her. http://www.blacklotustattoos.com/jackie-singer-sabur.html She also works in the shop owned by the famous Halo Jankowski that you can find on this season of Inkmaster on Spike tv.
For now, I'm going to mentally prepare myself for this step and will post when the beauties are done. May each and every one of you have a beautiful and blessed day.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
It's Been Awhile
So it's been awhile since I've posted. Not much has really gone on. I've been in the healing stages and waiting for the scars to disappear more. Of course they haven't, so I have scheduled my appointment to have my cover up tattoos done. I ended up deciding on pieces that I believe are absolutely amazing and will convey the message of this journey.
The tattoo shop I go to is Black Lotus Tattoo Gallery that sits just outside the base here. The owner of the shop is a contestant on InkMaster this season. I'm very excited to be able to see Halo and how he does on the show. I did get to see him when I went in for my consultation with my tattoo chick Jackie. I am so totally psyched to be able to get this done. This will truly be the end of this journey for me.
What I find is totally amazing is that all of this will be done before my 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. It's crazy how medical technology can take care of things so quickly.
I'll have 1 more trip to see Dr. Mess. That'll be after the tattoos heal so that she can take pics to put in with all of my other pics that are examples of her work. The transformation through pics I'm sure is amazing. After having taken my own pics and seen how things played out, I am very pleased. No way would I want anyone else to have to go through what I did, but sometimes it is a reality of life.
One of the things that I have learned is that when the doctor tells you no heavy lifting, she does mean it. We ended up getting about 16 inches of snow in a 24 hour time frame. Everything was buried and we did have to dig out. While Mike did a majority of the work, I found myself out there helping him. It took me a couple of days to recuperate from the pains I was having in my chest. So now I know what not to do and not to stress my chest out.
So anyhow, back to the whole tattoo thing. I am scheduled for a 4 hour time slot on March 6th. Since my chest is still numb, I'm sure that this will be fairly easy to get through. I think the only thing that may be weird is the feeling the pressure of when she is inking me. I do feel pressure, but as for anything else, nothing. I do hope that someday I'll get feeling back at least in the skin. Who knows though.
Well, I think that is all that I have for now. Be looking out for the pictures right after the tattoos are done and then the final product after they are healed. Until then, may you all have blessed days, and remember to check your rack. You never know what may be lurking in there.
The tattoo shop I go to is Black Lotus Tattoo Gallery that sits just outside the base here. The owner of the shop is a contestant on InkMaster this season. I'm very excited to be able to see Halo and how he does on the show. I did get to see him when I went in for my consultation with my tattoo chick Jackie. I am so totally psyched to be able to get this done. This will truly be the end of this journey for me.
What I find is totally amazing is that all of this will be done before my 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. It's crazy how medical technology can take care of things so quickly.
I'll have 1 more trip to see Dr. Mess. That'll be after the tattoos heal so that she can take pics to put in with all of my other pics that are examples of her work. The transformation through pics I'm sure is amazing. After having taken my own pics and seen how things played out, I am very pleased. No way would I want anyone else to have to go through what I did, but sometimes it is a reality of life.
One of the things that I have learned is that when the doctor tells you no heavy lifting, she does mean it. We ended up getting about 16 inches of snow in a 24 hour time frame. Everything was buried and we did have to dig out. While Mike did a majority of the work, I found myself out there helping him. It took me a couple of days to recuperate from the pains I was having in my chest. So now I know what not to do and not to stress my chest out.
So anyhow, back to the whole tattoo thing. I am scheduled for a 4 hour time slot on March 6th. Since my chest is still numb, I'm sure that this will be fairly easy to get through. I think the only thing that may be weird is the feeling the pressure of when she is inking me. I do feel pressure, but as for anything else, nothing. I do hope that someday I'll get feeling back at least in the skin. Who knows though.
Well, I think that is all that I have for now. Be looking out for the pictures right after the tattoos are done and then the final product after they are healed. Until then, may you all have blessed days, and remember to check your rack. You never know what may be lurking in there.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
A Beautiful Day
Today I went to the breast center for the Celebration of Life. While I was there I signed a quilt that will hang on the wall, and the chair that sits in the lobby. I did get to spend more time with Miss Vickie too. That's always a bonus.
So when I signed the quilt and chair, the comment was made asking if I had signed "Cornbread", on the quilt I didn't, but on the chair I went back and did. The "Cornbread" nickname came from Miss Vickie. We had a discussion one time about different foods and such, and I shared with her how I like soup beans and cornbread. Well, after that, she deemed me "Cornbread". I'll take it. :-)
Not only did I get to spend time with Miss Vickie, I also spent some time with Miss June, who I'd only met twice. Miss June is a lot like Miss Vickie with her funny, bubbly and caring personality. The more people I meet connected with my care team, the more and more thankful I am that I have had them.
I'm actually drawing a blank right now on what else to write. Probably because I have 2 conferences and a paper to write for school. If I think of something else later on, I'll be on here to post it. So for now, here are the pics of me signing the quilt and chair. Once Miss Vickie gets the pics of her and I together sent to me, I'll post those too.
I wish each of you a beautiful and blessed night.
So when I signed the quilt and chair, the comment was made asking if I had signed "Cornbread", on the quilt I didn't, but on the chair I went back and did. The "Cornbread" nickname came from Miss Vickie. We had a discussion one time about different foods and such, and I shared with her how I like soup beans and cornbread. Well, after that, she deemed me "Cornbread". I'll take it. :-)
Not only did I get to spend time with Miss Vickie, I also spent some time with Miss June, who I'd only met twice. Miss June is a lot like Miss Vickie with her funny, bubbly and caring personality. The more people I meet connected with my care team, the more and more thankful I am that I have had them.
I'm actually drawing a blank right now on what else to write. Probably because I have 2 conferences and a paper to write for school. If I think of something else later on, I'll be on here to post it. So for now, here are the pics of me signing the quilt and chair. Once Miss Vickie gets the pics of her and I together sent to me, I'll post those too.
I wish each of you a beautiful and blessed night.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Such a Good Day
So I went and saw Dr. Mess today. She said that everything is looking wonderful. I have great cleavage and the shape is perfect. She even said that she could tell that there was a difference in where the lipo was done and that once the swelling is down I will be very pleased. I also am allowed to wear my own pretty bras during the day, but I still have to wear the sports bras at night. I'm okay with that though.
Right now I am pleased anyhow. I do know that there is still quite a bit of swelling, but I can tell where I have been sculpted. While that part has been painful, it was a part that made sure that I looked normal. I would take the pain of that any day as long as I never have to hear that I have cancer again.
I also stopped over to see Miss Vickie today. I always enjoy my visits with her. She's such a character so full of life. A true blessing full of strength to help get you through it all. She talked to me about thinking that I would be great to be a support person for those who are also dealing with cancer. I have had my really bad moments, but I have made it through. My journey is nearly over, and I am more than happy with that.
There is also an event on Thursday where I get to go to the Breast Center and sign the quilt of the patients there. I am a survivor, and it feels so good. I'm going to make sure that I take the time out of my day to go to this event. I think I'm even going to take the kids so they can see that this is something that is important to me.
Oh, and just for another note, I went and got myself inked on Saturday. I did my pink ribbon with survivor on it. While Andy hates it, I love it. It is a representation of what I have been through. It has meaning to it. So for your viewing pleasure, here it is.
Right now I am pleased anyhow. I do know that there is still quite a bit of swelling, but I can tell where I have been sculpted. While that part has been painful, it was a part that made sure that I looked normal. I would take the pain of that any day as long as I never have to hear that I have cancer again.
I also stopped over to see Miss Vickie today. I always enjoy my visits with her. She's such a character so full of life. A true blessing full of strength to help get you through it all. She talked to me about thinking that I would be great to be a support person for those who are also dealing with cancer. I have had my really bad moments, but I have made it through. My journey is nearly over, and I am more than happy with that.
There is also an event on Thursday where I get to go to the Breast Center and sign the quilt of the patients there. I am a survivor, and it feels so good. I'm going to make sure that I take the time out of my day to go to this event. I think I'm even going to take the kids so they can see that this is something that is important to me.
Oh, and just for another note, I went and got myself inked on Saturday. I did my pink ribbon with survivor on it. While Andy hates it, I love it. It is a representation of what I have been through. It has meaning to it. So for your viewing pleasure, here it is.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Refreshed....Just a Little
Since this is November, the month of thankfulness, I want to start this blog out with the thing I am thankful for today.
I am thankful for Miss Vickie, Dr. Jacobs, Renee, and Dr. Mess. All of these wonderful ladies have been my cancer care team. I'm not sure where I would be without them, but I know that I am a healthier and better person because of them.
Now on to the original sentiments of today's blog.
So for the first time in I'm not sure how long, I spent part of the day pampering myself. I honestly started to forget what it felt like to have me time and to feel pretty again. Of course the pretty started before I even went to the salon.
I actually put on one of my bras today. You know, my collection of beautiful Victoria's Secrets bras. I'm pretty sure that I'll need to go up a bit, but I'm okay with it. Honestly, looking at how it looked on me, I cried. I cried like a baby. For the first time in a long time, I cried tears of joy.
Standing there looking in the mirror at my rebuilt boobs in one of my favorite bras was priceless. There was no way to really describe all of the emotions and how I truly felt in those moments. I finally looked at myself through the tears and saw my chest like I used to see it.
While these boobs are implants, they look as much like my own, with the exception of the nipples, which I am not having reconstructed. I knew this process was going to be hard. I knew I was going to have to change. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy all of the time, but I pushed through it because I had to. What is my reward? Looking and feeling like a woman again in my own skin. That is a priceless feeling.
So, what did I do at the salon? I cut quite a bit off of my hair. While it may look the same to some, it's not, and I sure can tell the difference. I absolutely love it. I also darkened it up a lot with a deep red and added some subtle lighter red highlights. I tried to keep as much of the length as possible, but did have to part ways with some of it as it was in such bad shape. Not completely because of not taking care of it, but the anesthesia does some pretty bad things to your hair.
I used to tell my customers that when I was in the hair industry, I just never was sure why since it was just something that I had learned. Now I know first hand. As much as I wanted to have the long, long sleek hair, my body wasn't going to allow me to, and I am okay with that. At this point, anything that makes me feel better is a good thing. So, with that said, I will leave you with 2 pictures. 1 is my new look and the other is in the pics section since it is the boobs.
I wish you all a beautiful and blessed night.
I am thankful for Miss Vickie, Dr. Jacobs, Renee, and Dr. Mess. All of these wonderful ladies have been my cancer care team. I'm not sure where I would be without them, but I know that I am a healthier and better person because of them.
Now on to the original sentiments of today's blog.
So for the first time in I'm not sure how long, I spent part of the day pampering myself. I honestly started to forget what it felt like to have me time and to feel pretty again. Of course the pretty started before I even went to the salon.
I actually put on one of my bras today. You know, my collection of beautiful Victoria's Secrets bras. I'm pretty sure that I'll need to go up a bit, but I'm okay with it. Honestly, looking at how it looked on me, I cried. I cried like a baby. For the first time in a long time, I cried tears of joy.
Standing there looking in the mirror at my rebuilt boobs in one of my favorite bras was priceless. There was no way to really describe all of the emotions and how I truly felt in those moments. I finally looked at myself through the tears and saw my chest like I used to see it.
While these boobs are implants, they look as much like my own, with the exception of the nipples, which I am not having reconstructed. I knew this process was going to be hard. I knew I was going to have to change. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy all of the time, but I pushed through it because I had to. What is my reward? Looking and feeling like a woman again in my own skin. That is a priceless feeling.
So, what did I do at the salon? I cut quite a bit off of my hair. While it may look the same to some, it's not, and I sure can tell the difference. I absolutely love it. I also darkened it up a lot with a deep red and added some subtle lighter red highlights. I tried to keep as much of the length as possible, but did have to part ways with some of it as it was in such bad shape. Not completely because of not taking care of it, but the anesthesia does some pretty bad things to your hair.
I used to tell my customers that when I was in the hair industry, I just never was sure why since it was just something that I had learned. Now I know first hand. As much as I wanted to have the long, long sleek hair, my body wasn't going to allow me to, and I am okay with that. At this point, anything that makes me feel better is a good thing. So, with that said, I will leave you with 2 pictures. 1 is my new look and the other is in the pics section since it is the boobs.
I wish you all a beautiful and blessed night.
Friday, November 1, 2013
When Does It Stop?
New pics have been added for those who wish to see.
The pain and all the other crap that goes with it. I've been doing some Googling. (Sorry Renee) Most of the information I have found says that the liposuction pain goes away in a couple of days. I'm 6 days post op and still feel like I am being ripped in 2 pieces.
The bruising is lightening up, so that's a good thing. I just wish the inside bruising didn't feel as bad as it does. The effects of the lipo should be apparent 4-6 weeks from now. I'm hoping for 4 weeks. I would really like to go back to wearing clothes that are not yoga pants, even though they are comfy.
The scars on my boobs are healing beautifully. One of the things that bothers me about them is that they aren't even remotely close to being even. If you look at the pics you'll see what I am talking about. I wasn't sure that this would bother me, but it does. Any tattoo that I choose to put on there is going to have to be modified so that it allows for the symmetrical look. No matter what it is, I will figure it out.
In the last couple of days I have found myself on Pinterest looking for the perfect tattoo that represents my battle. I've seen a few that I really like and would be front runners, but would obviously be modified so that they are more of an original piece. I'm gonna stick that tattoo on my back left shoulder blade. It'll be able to be covered up, but it will also be able to be seen. Hopefully I can get that tat inked on me within the next week and hopefully it won't cost me a fortune.
After all of the emotional turmoil that I have been dealing with since the surgery, I have to start letting it go and start doing for me. The physical pain is tolerable with my meds, but the emotional pain on top of it is not bearable. I don't really know what has prompted me to share this personal emotional side of me with all of you. Maybe because I can't continue to let these kinds of things roll in my head. Maybe it is a part of the healing process. Maybe it is just information out there for anyone dealing with the same thing.
I just hope that my being honest about the things I am dealing with don't come back to bite me in the ass as they always have. I want to be able to move forward from all of this. I want people to see that there is hope even when it seems like there is none. I want others to know that people are resilient. Sure all of the painful stuff piled in to one seems like a bit much, but someway, somehow, you will make it through.
My bed is calling my name, so I should try and get some rest and hope that I don't wake up the same way I did today. If you can only remember one thing, remember that you have the capacity to be a strong person. Even though I again find myself struggling, I wish all of you a beautiful and blessed day/night.
The pain and all the other crap that goes with it. I've been doing some Googling. (Sorry Renee) Most of the information I have found says that the liposuction pain goes away in a couple of days. I'm 6 days post op and still feel like I am being ripped in 2 pieces.
The bruising is lightening up, so that's a good thing. I just wish the inside bruising didn't feel as bad as it does. The effects of the lipo should be apparent 4-6 weeks from now. I'm hoping for 4 weeks. I would really like to go back to wearing clothes that are not yoga pants, even though they are comfy.
The scars on my boobs are healing beautifully. One of the things that bothers me about them is that they aren't even remotely close to being even. If you look at the pics you'll see what I am talking about. I wasn't sure that this would bother me, but it does. Any tattoo that I choose to put on there is going to have to be modified so that it allows for the symmetrical look. No matter what it is, I will figure it out.
In the last couple of days I have found myself on Pinterest looking for the perfect tattoo that represents my battle. I've seen a few that I really like and would be front runners, but would obviously be modified so that they are more of an original piece. I'm gonna stick that tattoo on my back left shoulder blade. It'll be able to be covered up, but it will also be able to be seen. Hopefully I can get that tat inked on me within the next week and hopefully it won't cost me a fortune.
After all of the emotional turmoil that I have been dealing with since the surgery, I have to start letting it go and start doing for me. The physical pain is tolerable with my meds, but the emotional pain on top of it is not bearable. I don't really know what has prompted me to share this personal emotional side of me with all of you. Maybe because I can't continue to let these kinds of things roll in my head. Maybe it is a part of the healing process. Maybe it is just information out there for anyone dealing with the same thing.
I just hope that my being honest about the things I am dealing with don't come back to bite me in the ass as they always have. I want to be able to move forward from all of this. I want people to see that there is hope even when it seems like there is none. I want others to know that people are resilient. Sure all of the painful stuff piled in to one seems like a bit much, but someway, somehow, you will make it through.
My bed is calling my name, so I should try and get some rest and hope that I don't wake up the same way I did today. If you can only remember one thing, remember that you have the capacity to be a strong person. Even though I again find myself struggling, I wish all of you a beautiful and blessed day/night.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
An Emotional Mess
I'm not really sure what my deal is with being an emotional mess.
I've had some personal things happen with my family in the last few days, which I am sure is contributing to the emotional mess, but I was feeling like this before all of that. I don't like talking about those personal things, just know that it is not the kind of thing I need to be dealing with after all of the things I have already dealt with just with my health.
I know when I posted the other day, I mentioned doing a whole bunch of crying. It just seems to be getting worse. I'm not really sure if my regular meds are working as they should be. Probably should say something to the doctor about that.
I know that my expectations of people are pretty high. In fact I would expect them to show me the same kind of courtesy that I have shown them during difficult times in their lives. This is where I have started to realize how many people that have been in my life really don't give a damn, and frankly they never have. I see that now.
Granted I posted how I was doing on Facebook, but since the surgery, I have had 1 friend, ONE call me to ask me how I was doing. I then had 1 other person shoot me a message to ask me how I was doing. Do you know how lonely it is to realize when you don't really have friends? I'm not talking about the 54 amazing ladies who have been there to listen to me and be there for me through this.
I am talking about people who I have met in person. People I have spent time with. People who know the real me and not just the me they see on the computer. It's pretty damn lonely that these people who have pretended for years upon years to be your friend, only to show that they don't care.
Granted I beat a cancer that was pretty easy to beat because of finding it as soon as I did. Of course because I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and lose my hair, it's not a bad enough cancer to have support. In fact, it's a cancer that most people wouldn't consider cancer because it doesn't require the harsh drugs.
I've heard reactions from people who have laughed about it. It's no big deal. You'll get over it. Mind you, these are people who swore were my friends. I've had people make comments about me not looking like I have endured all of these surgeries.
Just because I am not deathly ill from chemo and such doesn't mean that this whole process hasn't been painful. Sure, 3 surgeries in a 6 month time span sucks, a lot. I have watched anesthesia cause me to lose big chunks of my hair. I've watched my scalp starting to show right in the front unless I have my hair all scrunched up into curls or pulled up in a pony tail. I have gone from having my own breasts that I liked, to having no breasts with nasty scars, to weekly injections that hurt and caused excrutiating pain, while looking at misshapen objects that were put in place of my boobs. Then I go in and have the implants put in. They look beautiful, despite the nasty scars that are on them, but they really aren't mine. The pain from the lipo is more than I can deal with. I can't hold my kids, I can't lay how I want to. Sleep is avoiding me. Frankly I am miserable right now, and just wish that the healing were over and I could go on with my life.
That's just the physical aspect of it all. The emotional aspect is even harder to deal with. I've spent the majority of this time making jokes about it. I laugh about having wanted new boobs, but I sure didn't want to get them because of cancer. I laughed about the perk of lipo so that I could at least lose some of this weight, but that is just another mask. I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I honestly hate myself and what I see. Obviously this is how others see me as the personal issues just continue. I obviously have very little value, or people would stop making things in my life more complicated than they already are, especially 5 days after a major surgery.
I am constantly putting a smile on when I really don't want to. I have to put this facade on so that people won't question my ability to be a good wife, daughter, mom and friend. Inside I am dying though. I can't be the real me without people making comments like previously mentioned.
This has not been an easy journey. This is the ugly side of this disease. I can't speak for everyone else out there who has dealt with breast cancer, but I'm sure the consensus would be that more often than not you just have to fake it to make it. Reality is, people don't want to see the truth about how this disease tears the person apart. Sure, in the long run you can hold your head up and say that you beat it, but just muddling through it day after day is the hard part.
Sorry for such a long post. I have a ton of thoughts rolling around and I'm trying to get them out while I'm waiting on the pain meds to kick in and just make me pass out. If some of this doesn't make sense, please refer back to the statement of me being on heavy duty pain meds.
While I may be struggling right now, I wish you all a beautiful and blessed day.
I've had some personal things happen with my family in the last few days, which I am sure is contributing to the emotional mess, but I was feeling like this before all of that. I don't like talking about those personal things, just know that it is not the kind of thing I need to be dealing with after all of the things I have already dealt with just with my health.
I know when I posted the other day, I mentioned doing a whole bunch of crying. It just seems to be getting worse. I'm not really sure if my regular meds are working as they should be. Probably should say something to the doctor about that.
I know that my expectations of people are pretty high. In fact I would expect them to show me the same kind of courtesy that I have shown them during difficult times in their lives. This is where I have started to realize how many people that have been in my life really don't give a damn, and frankly they never have. I see that now.
Granted I posted how I was doing on Facebook, but since the surgery, I have had 1 friend, ONE call me to ask me how I was doing. I then had 1 other person shoot me a message to ask me how I was doing. Do you know how lonely it is to realize when you don't really have friends? I'm not talking about the 54 amazing ladies who have been there to listen to me and be there for me through this.
I am talking about people who I have met in person. People I have spent time with. People who know the real me and not just the me they see on the computer. It's pretty damn lonely that these people who have pretended for years upon years to be your friend, only to show that they don't care.
Granted I beat a cancer that was pretty easy to beat because of finding it as soon as I did. Of course because I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and lose my hair, it's not a bad enough cancer to have support. In fact, it's a cancer that most people wouldn't consider cancer because it doesn't require the harsh drugs.
I've heard reactions from people who have laughed about it. It's no big deal. You'll get over it. Mind you, these are people who swore were my friends. I've had people make comments about me not looking like I have endured all of these surgeries.
Just because I am not deathly ill from chemo and such doesn't mean that this whole process hasn't been painful. Sure, 3 surgeries in a 6 month time span sucks, a lot. I have watched anesthesia cause me to lose big chunks of my hair. I've watched my scalp starting to show right in the front unless I have my hair all scrunched up into curls or pulled up in a pony tail. I have gone from having my own breasts that I liked, to having no breasts with nasty scars, to weekly injections that hurt and caused excrutiating pain, while looking at misshapen objects that were put in place of my boobs. Then I go in and have the implants put in. They look beautiful, despite the nasty scars that are on them, but they really aren't mine. The pain from the lipo is more than I can deal with. I can't hold my kids, I can't lay how I want to. Sleep is avoiding me. Frankly I am miserable right now, and just wish that the healing were over and I could go on with my life.
That's just the physical aspect of it all. The emotional aspect is even harder to deal with. I've spent the majority of this time making jokes about it. I laugh about having wanted new boobs, but I sure didn't want to get them because of cancer. I laughed about the perk of lipo so that I could at least lose some of this weight, but that is just another mask. I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I honestly hate myself and what I see. Obviously this is how others see me as the personal issues just continue. I obviously have very little value, or people would stop making things in my life more complicated than they already are, especially 5 days after a major surgery.
I am constantly putting a smile on when I really don't want to. I have to put this facade on so that people won't question my ability to be a good wife, daughter, mom and friend. Inside I am dying though. I can't be the real me without people making comments like previously mentioned.
This has not been an easy journey. This is the ugly side of this disease. I can't speak for everyone else out there who has dealt with breast cancer, but I'm sure the consensus would be that more often than not you just have to fake it to make it. Reality is, people don't want to see the truth about how this disease tears the person apart. Sure, in the long run you can hold your head up and say that you beat it, but just muddling through it day after day is the hard part.
Sorry for such a long post. I have a ton of thoughts rolling around and I'm trying to get them out while I'm waiting on the pain meds to kick in and just make me pass out. If some of this doesn't make sense, please refer back to the statement of me being on heavy duty pain meds.
While I may be struggling right now, I wish you all a beautiful and blessed day.
Monday, October 28, 2013
4 Days Post Op
*So I am 4 days post op. Friday I went in at 10:00. Surgery was supposed to start at 11:30 but was delayed because Dr. Mess' first case was delayed. No problem though. Not like I was going anywhere without having my surgery done.
As always we started out with the same routine of if I ate or drank. Was my insurance the same? Had I been feeling well? You know...all the random stuff they ask you before they drug you up and start cutting you open. I was doing great for the most part with managing stress and anxiety. That was until it really hit me that this was going to be almost the very end of this journey. The anxiety did pick up a little bit, but I was okay once I was headed in.
Aunt Sandy came out here to take me to my surgery and help me out for a few days. Andy had an assessment for work that couldn't be rescheduled on Friday, so I didn't expect him to be at the hospital when I woke up, but he was. So of course that made me overly emotional seeing that my husband made it there to be with me. Then of course thinking about Mike being stressed out thinking I was going to be a mess like I was after the mastectomy and then Landen being at home so sick. Everything just made me want to cry.
Surgery took a little more than 3 hours. I came out of it feeling pretty good other than the nausea. I honestly think that the oxygen is what makes me nauseous. It seems like any time they have had the oxygen on me, I just feel so sick. I'm not totally sure why since oxygen is good for you.
As for the pain, it seemed to be at a minimum....at least until I stood up. I felt like I was being tore in 2 by my top and my bottom. That came from having fat grafting done. So with my new boobs, I was able to get some of my fat gone. Right now you can't tell from the amount of bruising and swelling, but I'm pretty sure enough was taken to drop me 2 pants sizes. Can't beat getting a bit of lipo so that my implants will look more natural.
The last couple of days I've been doing fairly well, as long as I don't have to bend over. I of course am not allowed to be lifting anything, not that I would want to. It sucks because I want to be able to hold and hug the kids and dogs, but am afraid of them hitting me the wrong way and me being in pain all over again.
So today I went in for my post op appointment. Dr. Mess said that everything looked good. She slathered me up with Neosporin and put gauze back on me. I have to go back next Monday to make sure that all is healing well still. Even with the scarring, I am very impressed with the shape and feel of the implants. Eventually they will be more and more squishy and the cleavage will be back to normal, or as normal as possible with implants.
For now that is all that I have for you. For those of you who are interested, the pics from Friday are with the photos section. I hope that all of you have a beautiful and blessed day.
As always we started out with the same routine of if I ate or drank. Was my insurance the same? Had I been feeling well? You know...all the random stuff they ask you before they drug you up and start cutting you open. I was doing great for the most part with managing stress and anxiety. That was until it really hit me that this was going to be almost the very end of this journey. The anxiety did pick up a little bit, but I was okay once I was headed in.
Aunt Sandy came out here to take me to my surgery and help me out for a few days. Andy had an assessment for work that couldn't be rescheduled on Friday, so I didn't expect him to be at the hospital when I woke up, but he was. So of course that made me overly emotional seeing that my husband made it there to be with me. Then of course thinking about Mike being stressed out thinking I was going to be a mess like I was after the mastectomy and then Landen being at home so sick. Everything just made me want to cry.
Surgery took a little more than 3 hours. I came out of it feeling pretty good other than the nausea. I honestly think that the oxygen is what makes me nauseous. It seems like any time they have had the oxygen on me, I just feel so sick. I'm not totally sure why since oxygen is good for you.
As for the pain, it seemed to be at a minimum....at least until I stood up. I felt like I was being tore in 2 by my top and my bottom. That came from having fat grafting done. So with my new boobs, I was able to get some of my fat gone. Right now you can't tell from the amount of bruising and swelling, but I'm pretty sure enough was taken to drop me 2 pants sizes. Can't beat getting a bit of lipo so that my implants will look more natural.
The last couple of days I've been doing fairly well, as long as I don't have to bend over. I of course am not allowed to be lifting anything, not that I would want to. It sucks because I want to be able to hold and hug the kids and dogs, but am afraid of them hitting me the wrong way and me being in pain all over again.
So today I went in for my post op appointment. Dr. Mess said that everything looked good. She slathered me up with Neosporin and put gauze back on me. I have to go back next Monday to make sure that all is healing well still. Even with the scarring, I am very impressed with the shape and feel of the implants. Eventually they will be more and more squishy and the cleavage will be back to normal, or as normal as possible with implants.
For now that is all that I have for you. For those of you who are interested, the pics from Friday are with the photos section. I hope that all of you have a beautiful and blessed day.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Picking Back Up
I know I've been pretty quiet. I've used this blog just for my journey, so with there having been nothing going on, I sort of let it go. I did think about posting a few times, but most of the things I would talk about wouldn't even relate to my journey. With that said, there is an update.
I went and had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Mess today. They took another picture so that there is a baseline as to where she needs to put my implants and all that good stuff. Besides talking about my numerous questions, we discussed how I am feeling about this whole thing.
To be honest, I am really looking forward to this surgery. I'm not afraid anymore. Sure I don't like the idea of being cut open again, but I also don't like laying on these rocks. That's the best way that I can describe how these tissue expanders feel. I am a belly sleeper, and I haven't been able to comfortably sleep the way that I want just because of how hard these are. I just want to have squishy boobs again.
We talked about going back in through the scars that are already there, that way I don't have 2 sets of scars. Sounds good to me. If they fade out as well as these ones have, then I don't think that it will be too hard for me to get past the look of them. I'll have to post a picture of how they look before I go in for my surgery that way ya'll can see how good the scarring actually looks.
Since implants really don't look real, I also get to have some fat grafting done. This will be where Dr. Mess will make an incision near my belly button and suck fat out. The fat will then be transplanted to my chest to fill in the dents between my collarbone and the implants. It's not something that can be seen in a picture, but in person you can actually see where I am concave. So essentially, I get to lose a bit of fat too. Can't really beat that, and I sure won't complain. That's for sure.
I went and had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Mess today. They took another picture so that there is a baseline as to where she needs to put my implants and all that good stuff. Besides talking about my numerous questions, we discussed how I am feeling about this whole thing.
To be honest, I am really looking forward to this surgery. I'm not afraid anymore. Sure I don't like the idea of being cut open again, but I also don't like laying on these rocks. That's the best way that I can describe how these tissue expanders feel. I am a belly sleeper, and I haven't been able to comfortably sleep the way that I want just because of how hard these are. I just want to have squishy boobs again.
We talked about going back in through the scars that are already there, that way I don't have 2 sets of scars. Sounds good to me. If they fade out as well as these ones have, then I don't think that it will be too hard for me to get past the look of them. I'll have to post a picture of how they look before I go in for my surgery that way ya'll can see how good the scarring actually looks.
Since implants really don't look real, I also get to have some fat grafting done. This will be where Dr. Mess will make an incision near my belly button and suck fat out. The fat will then be transplanted to my chest to fill in the dents between my collarbone and the implants. It's not something that can be seen in a picture, but in person you can actually see where I am concave. So essentially, I get to lose a bit of fat too. Can't really beat that, and I sure won't complain. That's for sure.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
I'm Getting There.....Slowly
Last Wednesday I went in for my injections. Turns out that they were my final injections. I am finally at the size that I should be for the switch out at the end of October.
I had the full 120cc put into the right side as always. It looks fantastic. I'm very pleased with the results and know that once the implant is in, it will look so much better. On the left she only put in 60cc. With the way that the muscle turned and the expander turned, I was stretching the wrong way. So to avoid having to do more repair than necessary, I took less. Essentially what is going to happen is the left side is going to have a bit of a bigger implant.
The implant has to be bigger because of the need to manipulate the muscle back to the way that it is supposed to be. I'll end up having 2 scars on the left breast instead of 1 like on the right. At this point it doesn't really matter about the scarring as I am sure that Dr. Mess will do a fantastic job to make them look perfect.
While that is still awhile off, I still am dealing with the muscle spasms. From the day of the injections until Monday morning, I have had horrid spasms. Wednesday, the pain hit about 10 minutes after I left Dr. Mess' office. I ended up taking all the meds I could in the 24 hour time period and still got no relief or quality sleep.
The night before the injections, I had someone very important to me break my heart. I had been running on 2 hours of sleep and then I went in for injections. That was not a smart move. Then you add the pain of the spasms and still not being able to sleep on top of it, I ended up sleeping for maybe 4-5 hours over a 48 hour period. Each morning I was waking up unable to pull myself out of bed and having to depend on Andy to lift me up so I could just get out of the bed.
The last couple of days haven't been so bad, but physically I think I have broken down as much as I can. While the pain is easing up, I still find some tasks difficult to do. To me that is frustrating. Typing on the computer for too long causes pain to shoot up and down my right arm. Remember, that is the side that the nodes were removed from. I continue to do stretches on it and anything else that I need to for it to try and feel better.
I'm trying not to Google too much to try and get answers. Afterall, not every case is the same and not every person is the same. I just hope that I don't have to deal with muscle spasms when the implants are put in. I'm not sure how much more of those I would be able to deal with. While it is true that I am a strong person, there is a breaking point as well.
That is all that I have for this morning. Please excuse if it sounds like ramblings as I am still tired but wanted to get the thoughts out and the blog updated. I hope all of you have a blessed day and thank you for continuing to love me through it.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
A Reminder to All and An Update on My Sister
First I will start with the update on my sister. If you haven't been following me the whole time, then this information will be helpful to you. My sister Michelle was diagnosed with atypical hyperplasia. Basically, she had pre-cancerous cells. So, she chose to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy done. While I am 3 weeks ahead of her in this journey, we are able to go through it with each other.
She finally had her drain tubes removed yesterday, after having them in for over a week. Then you put the other stuff that she has told me about her doctors, I just want to go pick her up from Ohio and bring her out here and let my care team take care of her. So anyhow, they still are going to wait another 2 weeks before they start pumping her up. Okay then.....
When they removed her left breast (which is the one she was having issues with), they found that she was a ticking time bomb. She was full of those pre-cancerous cells. Thank you God for letting my own breast issues warrant my sister to check herself. I've been told that I helped to save her life. That's a good feeling, but I also just wanted to make sure that my sisters were to take care of themselves and listen to their bodies.
Now, the reminder to you all.
This morning I woke up to a post on Facebook that I was tagged in. I'm not going to go into detail as I don't want to violate the privacy of this person, but she is having issues that I remember started before my journey really started. I don't want to scare her, but I also don't want her to ignore things.
So, if you feel like something is off, go have it checked out. If you still think that something isn't right even when the doctor says you are fine, get a 2nd opinion. I was never really good at doing that until this happened to me. Oh, and another word of advice STOP GOOGLING symptoms. You'll end up driving yourself crazy and diagnosing yourself with stuff that is not even remotely close. Yes, I did the whole Google thing and scared myself. Even now Dr. Mess and Renee tell me to stop Googling and just let it go or ask them about it. So that is my advice for the day.
One more thing that I just realized....I am 1 month and 1 day post op and the cancer cells have been removed from me. However, since there is no 100% cancer free given until the 5 year mark, I will gladly count each of these months until that 5 year mark.
I hope each of you have a beautiful and blessed day and thank you for loving me through it.
She finally had her drain tubes removed yesterday, after having them in for over a week. Then you put the other stuff that she has told me about her doctors, I just want to go pick her up from Ohio and bring her out here and let my care team take care of her. So anyhow, they still are going to wait another 2 weeks before they start pumping her up. Okay then.....
When they removed her left breast (which is the one she was having issues with), they found that she was a ticking time bomb. She was full of those pre-cancerous cells. Thank you God for letting my own breast issues warrant my sister to check herself. I've been told that I helped to save her life. That's a good feeling, but I also just wanted to make sure that my sisters were to take care of themselves and listen to their bodies.
Now, the reminder to you all.
This morning I woke up to a post on Facebook that I was tagged in. I'm not going to go into detail as I don't want to violate the privacy of this person, but she is having issues that I remember started before my journey really started. I don't want to scare her, but I also don't want her to ignore things.
So, if you feel like something is off, go have it checked out. If you still think that something isn't right even when the doctor says you are fine, get a 2nd opinion. I was never really good at doing that until this happened to me. Oh, and another word of advice STOP GOOGLING symptoms. You'll end up driving yourself crazy and diagnosing yourself with stuff that is not even remotely close. Yes, I did the whole Google thing and scared myself. Even now Dr. Mess and Renee tell me to stop Googling and just let it go or ask them about it. So that is my advice for the day.
One more thing that I just realized....I am 1 month and 1 day post op and the cancer cells have been removed from me. However, since there is no 100% cancer free given until the 5 year mark, I will gladly count each of these months until that 5 year mark.
I hope each of you have a beautiful and blessed day and thank you for loving me through it.
Monday, August 26, 2013
I'm Such a Slacker....Lots of Updates
Okay, so I have been slacking, but I do have some pretty good stories for the last week. So buckle up and get ready for this ride.
On the 21st I went in and had 110cc put in each side, this was the day after I had those horrid muscle spasms. I had my friend Suzy go in with me to this appointment. While I never look down during injections, Suzy did watch. She seemed thrilled with how she could see the boobs puffing up during the injections. With the 110cc put in, that puts me at 590cc total. That number may change depending on if Dr. Mess had put any saline in on the day of the surgery. According to my nurse Renee, I will probably be inflated to 800-850cc before we are done with expanding. YAY!! It is normal to over expand as they need the extra skin for the switchout.
Well, I thought the muscle spasms I had before were bad. I was wrong. That night the muscle spasms had me screaming and writhing in pain. I was able to get myself out of bed and crawl to momma's room to get her up. I was absolutely terrified of how bad the pain was. I ended up sitting up with her until about 7am the next morning. I drugged myself up and went back to bed. I've had a few nights that have sucked, but not nearly as bad as that night.
The next day I had to go to Freshman Orientation for Mike. Talk about a reality check. Then of course you add my pain on top of it, I did not want to be there and going on a tour of the school and listening to rambling. That may not be what it was, but that's what it felt like when I was there. I did suck it up and "soldier" on and go though. That's my job as mom.
Oh, did I mention in a previous blog, as I am pretty out of it right now and feeling like crap, Mike made the JV football team. Talk about another proud mom moment there. I was neglecting myself by not taking my needed meds to make sure that he was getting to his practices and such. I wasn't going to punish him for my illness. Another one of those that's my job things.
Then it seemed as though an angel dropped out of the sky. One of Mike's teammates said that he could ride home with them. They literally live around the corner from us. This was such a big help. Even the teammate's mom told me I need to be taking care of me and that if I needed anything, just to let her know. So now I don't have to worry about whether I can get Mike to and from practice if Andy isn't home.
Okay, so back to the reconstruction stuff. I have set the date for my switch out. October 25th I will be going back in and having my implants put in and some fat grafting done. The fat grafting is to make sure that they look normal instead of the whole Pam Anderson look that people relate to implants. I am looking forward to that date simply because that means I am one step closer to being done with this process.
If you look at the pictures on the other tab above, you'll see the progress. You might notice that one side looks different than the other. Not only in size, but in shape. The reason for this is because the muscle shifted and caused the expander to shift. This is common, so don't be alarmed. At this point I'm not. As long as they look normal when done.
Last week, I received a package in the mail from one of my mommy friends. She made me a beautiful necklace to represent my journey. She makes hand-stamped jewelry. Check her out if you get a chance. She is a work at home mom. You can find her store at www.etsy.com/shop/memorylanejewelry Again, I cried for the kindness and the thought to do something so wonderful for me. I truly feel as though I don't deserve as many blessings as I have had through this journey.
Today was an accomplished day. I got the big kid up for his first day of Freshman year. Yes, I was "that" mom and took a picture as he was headed out. Then I gave him a hug. Then I promptly started crying as this is my big baby and he is growing up so fast. Then we had the conference to meet Landen's teacher today. Yep, my 2nd baby is headed to Pre-K. Where has the time gone? Let's not forget the 2 hour trip to the grocery and then putting it all away. So I am pretty beat.
I'll try and update after my next set of injections on Wednesday, but with the pain, my classes starting back up and Mike's football, I am finding life to be pretty hectic. Please forgive me if I don't keep up nearly as much these days. I will do as I can. Don't forget to check out the pics section if you are following that, to see the last updates there.
On the 21st I went in and had 110cc put in each side, this was the day after I had those horrid muscle spasms. I had my friend Suzy go in with me to this appointment. While I never look down during injections, Suzy did watch. She seemed thrilled with how she could see the boobs puffing up during the injections. With the 110cc put in, that puts me at 590cc total. That number may change depending on if Dr. Mess had put any saline in on the day of the surgery. According to my nurse Renee, I will probably be inflated to 800-850cc before we are done with expanding. YAY!! It is normal to over expand as they need the extra skin for the switchout.
Well, I thought the muscle spasms I had before were bad. I was wrong. That night the muscle spasms had me screaming and writhing in pain. I was able to get myself out of bed and crawl to momma's room to get her up. I was absolutely terrified of how bad the pain was. I ended up sitting up with her until about 7am the next morning. I drugged myself up and went back to bed. I've had a few nights that have sucked, but not nearly as bad as that night.
The next day I had to go to Freshman Orientation for Mike. Talk about a reality check. Then of course you add my pain on top of it, I did not want to be there and going on a tour of the school and listening to rambling. That may not be what it was, but that's what it felt like when I was there. I did suck it up and "soldier" on and go though. That's my job as mom.
Oh, did I mention in a previous blog, as I am pretty out of it right now and feeling like crap, Mike made the JV football team. Talk about another proud mom moment there. I was neglecting myself by not taking my needed meds to make sure that he was getting to his practices and such. I wasn't going to punish him for my illness. Another one of those that's my job things.
Then it seemed as though an angel dropped out of the sky. One of Mike's teammates said that he could ride home with them. They literally live around the corner from us. This was such a big help. Even the teammate's mom told me I need to be taking care of me and that if I needed anything, just to let her know. So now I don't have to worry about whether I can get Mike to and from practice if Andy isn't home.
Okay, so back to the reconstruction stuff. I have set the date for my switch out. October 25th I will be going back in and having my implants put in and some fat grafting done. The fat grafting is to make sure that they look normal instead of the whole Pam Anderson look that people relate to implants. I am looking forward to that date simply because that means I am one step closer to being done with this process.
If you look at the pictures on the other tab above, you'll see the progress. You might notice that one side looks different than the other. Not only in size, but in shape. The reason for this is because the muscle shifted and caused the expander to shift. This is common, so don't be alarmed. At this point I'm not. As long as they look normal when done.
Last week, I received a package in the mail from one of my mommy friends. She made me a beautiful necklace to represent my journey. She makes hand-stamped jewelry. Check her out if you get a chance. She is a work at home mom. You can find her store at www.etsy.com/shop/memorylanejewelry Again, I cried for the kindness and the thought to do something so wonderful for me. I truly feel as though I don't deserve as many blessings as I have had through this journey.
Today was an accomplished day. I got the big kid up for his first day of Freshman year. Yes, I was "that" mom and took a picture as he was headed out. Then I gave him a hug. Then I promptly started crying as this is my big baby and he is growing up so fast. Then we had the conference to meet Landen's teacher today. Yep, my 2nd baby is headed to Pre-K. Where has the time gone? Let's not forget the 2 hour trip to the grocery and then putting it all away. So I am pretty beat.
I'll try and update after my next set of injections on Wednesday, but with the pain, my classes starting back up and Mike's football, I am finding life to be pretty hectic. Please forgive me if I don't keep up nearly as much these days. I will do as I can. Don't forget to check out the pics section if you are following that, to see the last updates there.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Muscle Spasms Suck
All this week I have had horrid muscle spasms. If I could compare them to anything, they feel like labor pains, but in my chest.
I didn't sign up for this shitty part of this. I just wanna know when this pain is going to stop.
I find I am waking up at about 3:30 in the morning when I have them and it takes til about 6:30 to feel any relief, even after drugging myself.
Someone please tell me this doesn't continue to happen after the reconstruction is done. This sucks terribly and I don't know how much more I can take of it.
God please take this pain away.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
More Than Appreciative...and Then Some
I have this set of ladies that I met back in November 2010. We were all pregnant and due in July 2011. So that was the commonality that we all had......that we knew of. During our time of getting to know each other, that's when we realized that we were the most awesome set of ladies out there.
The majority of the core ones have stayed with us all this time. We have been through so much together. We have had new babies born. We have had arguments. We have leaned on each other in times that we have needed each other. For nearly 3 years, these ladies have been an important part of my life and have been there for me through some of the most horrible things that can happen.
So how do these ladies play into any of this? Well, this is how.
Yesterday I went out to check the mail as usual. Over the last couple of weeks I have been getting random cards in the mail from these ladies. I've gotten cards from my pastor and cards from some of the church family. So anyway, I get to the mailbox and find junk mail there. Hey! At least it isn't bills right?
I came back in the house and shut the door behind me only to be stopped by my doorbell. (Which of course makes Perry our dog go nutso and act like an idiot.) I turn around and open the door to find a box that was from one of the ladies. I started crying at that point. Little did I know that the crying was not over.
I open up the box to find random things to keep me busy while I am in between my medically induced naps. Of course in the style of Katie, who is my Floridian, and who's name was on the package, I find myself with a package of cards that have the Florida Gator on them. Now I know that she isn't the only one who likes to rub the Gators in to me. So I knew a couple of them came up with it. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love college football, but I bleed Buckeye Scarlet and Gray. While living in Florida, I did find a little part of my heart that can like the Gators, but only if they aren't playing my Buckeyes.
Anyhow, I'm still crying but laughing a bit at the sentiment of the cards. Then I find the greeting card. The front of it presented to me that it was going to be quite interesting. If ya'll are interested in seeing it, I will take a pic and post it with this blog. The card made me laugh through the tears. Then I see what was folded up in the card. Upon opening it and just reading a couple of lines, I was bawling hysterically. My mom and son couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. That's when I handed them this paper that was folded up.
These ladies, 55 of them, 2 of whom I have only met face to face, got together behind my back and arranged for me to have a day at the spa. Something I have never had and something that I have always dreamed of having. Needless to say, I couldn't stop myself from crying. To think that these 55 ladies thought enough of me to pull together to do this for me. Even as I write this it makes me tear up.
For so many years in my life I felt like no one cared about me, and those who acted like they did, really didn't. I think I know better now. I have a few that I know are genuine, but the most prominent are these ladies who have some of the most genuine hearts that I would swear are made of gold and are most definitely worth more than their weight in gold.
When I would watch the video to Martina McBride's "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" I would think of some people in my lives, but these ladies seemed to be the ones who stuck out the most to me. Even more so now. It's not even the gift that mattered. Each and every day when I have a pain that hurts me, days that I look in the mirror and hate what I see, days that everything else in my life is going wrong, they have been there.
For all of those times I am so blessed and couldn't have asked for more. This iced my cake and showed me how much these ladies care for me. So for each and every one of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love each and every one of you. (Even the really kinky ones who keep my days interesting. You know who you are.) Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me through it.
The majority of the core ones have stayed with us all this time. We have been through so much together. We have had new babies born. We have had arguments. We have leaned on each other in times that we have needed each other. For nearly 3 years, these ladies have been an important part of my life and have been there for me through some of the most horrible things that can happen.
So how do these ladies play into any of this? Well, this is how.
Yesterday I went out to check the mail as usual. Over the last couple of weeks I have been getting random cards in the mail from these ladies. I've gotten cards from my pastor and cards from some of the church family. So anyway, I get to the mailbox and find junk mail there. Hey! At least it isn't bills right?
I came back in the house and shut the door behind me only to be stopped by my doorbell. (Which of course makes Perry our dog go nutso and act like an idiot.) I turn around and open the door to find a box that was from one of the ladies. I started crying at that point. Little did I know that the crying was not over.
I open up the box to find random things to keep me busy while I am in between my medically induced naps. Of course in the style of Katie, who is my Floridian, and who's name was on the package, I find myself with a package of cards that have the Florida Gator on them. Now I know that she isn't the only one who likes to rub the Gators in to me. So I knew a couple of them came up with it. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love college football, but I bleed Buckeye Scarlet and Gray. While living in Florida, I did find a little part of my heart that can like the Gators, but only if they aren't playing my Buckeyes.
Anyhow, I'm still crying but laughing a bit at the sentiment of the cards. Then I find the greeting card. The front of it presented to me that it was going to be quite interesting. If ya'll are interested in seeing it, I will take a pic and post it with this blog. The card made me laugh through the tears. Then I see what was folded up in the card. Upon opening it and just reading a couple of lines, I was bawling hysterically. My mom and son couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. That's when I handed them this paper that was folded up.
These ladies, 55 of them, 2 of whom I have only met face to face, got together behind my back and arranged for me to have a day at the spa. Something I have never had and something that I have always dreamed of having. Needless to say, I couldn't stop myself from crying. To think that these 55 ladies thought enough of me to pull together to do this for me. Even as I write this it makes me tear up.
For so many years in my life I felt like no one cared about me, and those who acted like they did, really didn't. I think I know better now. I have a few that I know are genuine, but the most prominent are these ladies who have some of the most genuine hearts that I would swear are made of gold and are most definitely worth more than their weight in gold.
When I would watch the video to Martina McBride's "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" I would think of some people in my lives, but these ladies seemed to be the ones who stuck out the most to me. Even more so now. It's not even the gift that mattered. Each and every day when I have a pain that hurts me, days that I look in the mirror and hate what I see, days that everything else in my life is going wrong, they have been there.
For all of those times I am so blessed and couldn't have asked for more. This iced my cake and showed me how much these ladies care for me. So for each and every one of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love each and every one of you. (Even the really kinky ones who keep my days interesting. You know who you are.) Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me through it.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Pump Me Up Version 2
I ended up having some fluid build up that was concerning me. So instead of waiting for Dr. Mess to get me in on Monday, she got me into the office on Saturday morning. That's one hell of a Dr. if you ask me.
The swelling on the right was not nearly as bad as it appeared the night before and she wasn't able to get any more than 20cc of fluid out of it, but still could feel some in there. She told me just to put the surgical bra back on and hope that it would reabsorb. If not, we will try and remove some more on Thursday. She just didn't want to risk hitting my expander and having to start over because of puncturing it trying to get the fluid.
For some reason the swelling on the left was worse, but sure didn't feel like it. She ended up pulling 60cc of fluid off of that side. Dr. Mess figured that we probably wouldn't have to worry about fluid after the appointment this week.
While I saw her on Saturday, she did end up giving me my injections. So I got 120cc more in each side, which means I am now up to a B cup. I'm not flat chested anymore. And.....if I feel like putting on one of my bras, I actually look like my boobs look nice, just not as big as normal. I'm okay with that for now.
For those of you who want to see the new pics, you can find them on the page with all of the other pictures.
This morning was awful though. I woke up with the most horrendous muscle spasms in my chest. I couldn't even lift up to try and get my meds. I started crying which was hard to do with the pain, and then started begging for my meds. Andy was able to lift me up, get my meds and lay me back down.
I found that laying down with the spasms only made them worse. So I decided to get up and go hang out with mom outside. I was feeling much better, and the spasms let up on me.....that was until I stood up to do anything. :-(
Enough time had passed that I was finally able to take more meds and get a good nap in. Most of the pain has subsided, but I still am tender. I just hope that this pain subsides completely by Thursday that way I can get my other 120cc to get me up to a C.
I just want to get to the point where I can go get these terrible expanders out and put my nice new implants in. That will just mean that this journey will be closer to an end and I can move on to other journeys in my life.
The swelling on the right was not nearly as bad as it appeared the night before and she wasn't able to get any more than 20cc of fluid out of it, but still could feel some in there. She told me just to put the surgical bra back on and hope that it would reabsorb. If not, we will try and remove some more on Thursday. She just didn't want to risk hitting my expander and having to start over because of puncturing it trying to get the fluid.
For some reason the swelling on the left was worse, but sure didn't feel like it. She ended up pulling 60cc of fluid off of that side. Dr. Mess figured that we probably wouldn't have to worry about fluid after the appointment this week.
While I saw her on Saturday, she did end up giving me my injections. So I got 120cc more in each side, which means I am now up to a B cup. I'm not flat chested anymore. And.....if I feel like putting on one of my bras, I actually look like my boobs look nice, just not as big as normal. I'm okay with that for now.
For those of you who want to see the new pics, you can find them on the page with all of the other pictures.
This morning was awful though. I woke up with the most horrendous muscle spasms in my chest. I couldn't even lift up to try and get my meds. I started crying which was hard to do with the pain, and then started begging for my meds. Andy was able to lift me up, get my meds and lay me back down.
I found that laying down with the spasms only made them worse. So I decided to get up and go hang out with mom outside. I was feeling much better, and the spasms let up on me.....that was until I stood up to do anything. :-(
Enough time had passed that I was finally able to take more meds and get a good nap in. Most of the pain has subsided, but I still am tender. I just hope that this pain subsides completely by Thursday that way I can get my other 120cc to get me up to a C.
I just want to get to the point where I can go get these terrible expanders out and put my nice new implants in. That will just mean that this journey will be closer to an end and I can move on to other journeys in my life.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Owwies!
So I am sitting here wrapped up with 2 bandage wraps to try and get the fluid in the "side boob" to go down. Did I mention that I am wrapped so tight that I am having a heck of a time breathing? LOL!
Anyhow, just a little note, I've been feeling like mangled dog turds today. Emotionally and physically. So because I was feeling as such I called Dr. Jacobs and Dr. Mess to find out what I was supposed to do about the pain of the fluid. Dr. Jacobs told me to wrap myself up with a couple of Ace Bandages to try and get the fluid to just reabsorb itself. Dr. Mess finally called me back and is graciously bringing me in tomorrow to drain this crap.
Alleluia! I will be so thankful when my armpits don't feel like they are being rubbed raw and I am able to breathe again. Anyhow, eyeballs are getting tired so I'm headed off to bed.
Much love to all of you that are loving me through it.
Anyhow, just a little note, I've been feeling like mangled dog turds today. Emotionally and physically. So because I was feeling as such I called Dr. Jacobs and Dr. Mess to find out what I was supposed to do about the pain of the fluid. Dr. Jacobs told me to wrap myself up with a couple of Ace Bandages to try and get the fluid to just reabsorb itself. Dr. Mess finally called me back and is graciously bringing me in tomorrow to drain this crap.
Alleluia! I will be so thankful when my armpits don't feel like they are being rubbed raw and I am able to breathe again. Anyhow, eyeballs are getting tired so I'm headed off to bed.
Much love to all of you that are loving me through it.
Is It Really That Bad??
So I keep getting told by people that I need to accept that this has happened to me. I'm not sure that I am ready for that part yet. I'm angry that my body turned against itself and that I have to bear the burden of the scars.
I'm supposed to just get over the hurt whether it be physical or emotional. Not as easily done as it is said. Especially when the person who is telling me to get over it won't touch the wounds which don't hurt, and he won't even look at them.
Remember when I said I was afraid of repulsing him? Well, I think this is the crossroad that we are at now.
I'm supposed to just get over the hurt whether it be physical or emotional. Not as easily done as it is said. Especially when the person who is telling me to get over it won't touch the wounds which don't hurt, and he won't even look at them.
Remember when I said I was afraid of repulsing him? Well, I think this is the crossroad that we are at now.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
And the Award Goes to....
ME!! I had my appointment with Dr. Jacobs today. The pathology report came back.....
I made the right choice in doing the mastectomy. The tumor was at least 3cm on the longest part of it, which is a large amount in comparison when it comes to boobs. Then you have to think about having to make sure that there is a 2mm margin between where the tumor was and where the good tissue is. If I had chosen the lumpectomy, I would have practically had no boob left on the right side.
The left breast showed no signs of cancer whatsoever, but was taken as a preventative measure and while I am still having issues with looking at it, I know that I did the right thing. At least I think so.
During the mastectomy, Dr. Jacobs removed 3 nodes. I wasn't really sure what the purpose of that was, but it was basically to see if the cancer had spread. Guess what?? It didn't!!!
So the whole point of this post and how great life is, is this: I AM CANCER FREE!! There is no reason for me to do chemo, radiation or any kind of hormonal therapy. I am done with seeing Dr. Jacobs until next year. That is more just to check how the reconstruction looks and to check in on me. After that, I only have to be checked by her every 5 years.
Now, there is a down side to all of this. With not having the several appointments with Dr. Jacobs, I don't get to see my angel of a nurse Miss Vickie. That makes me sad. I will tell you this though, I will find a way to keep up with her no matter what. Her smiling face, humor, personality and just her compassion for people has made her one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am ever so grateful for her and the fact that she helped to make the cancer part of this journey so much easier for me.
Miss Vickie, If you happen to stumble upon this blog, I want you to know how appreciative of you that I am. Thank you for being you and being so caring. I promise I will forever be your lil cornbread.
So tonight, I will leave you with this. Here is the pic that Andy took of me and Miss Vickie this morning.
I made the right choice in doing the mastectomy. The tumor was at least 3cm on the longest part of it, which is a large amount in comparison when it comes to boobs. Then you have to think about having to make sure that there is a 2mm margin between where the tumor was and where the good tissue is. If I had chosen the lumpectomy, I would have practically had no boob left on the right side.
The left breast showed no signs of cancer whatsoever, but was taken as a preventative measure and while I am still having issues with looking at it, I know that I did the right thing. At least I think so.
During the mastectomy, Dr. Jacobs removed 3 nodes. I wasn't really sure what the purpose of that was, but it was basically to see if the cancer had spread. Guess what?? It didn't!!!
So the whole point of this post and how great life is, is this: I AM CANCER FREE!! There is no reason for me to do chemo, radiation or any kind of hormonal therapy. I am done with seeing Dr. Jacobs until next year. That is more just to check how the reconstruction looks and to check in on me. After that, I only have to be checked by her every 5 years.
Now, there is a down side to all of this. With not having the several appointments with Dr. Jacobs, I don't get to see my angel of a nurse Miss Vickie. That makes me sad. I will tell you this though, I will find a way to keep up with her no matter what. Her smiling face, humor, personality and just her compassion for people has made her one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am ever so grateful for her and the fact that she helped to make the cancer part of this journey so much easier for me.
Miss Vickie, If you happen to stumble upon this blog, I want you to know how appreciative of you that I am. Thank you for being you and being so caring. I promise I will forever be your lil cornbread.
So tonight, I will leave you with this. Here is the pic that Andy took of me and Miss Vickie this morning.
I'm Going to Pump You Up....
So yesterday I went and saw Dr. Mess. I wasn't sure what the appointment was other than to just check me over. Well, I was getting my first injections. Yes, I sure was excited. I was doing the whole sitting down happy dance and hooping and hollaring. That was until she stuck me with the needle to put the saline in the expanders.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! This sucks. That's exactly what I was saying. Dr. Mess had to remind me to breathe cause all I could think was to hold my breath and maybe that would hold off the pain. Yeah, no bueno. That didn't work for me.
She did notice that I had some fluid under the armpit, or the side boob as some would call it. She ended up poking around and pulling 50cc out of the right side after she had done my saline injection.
Switch to the left side and that didn't hurt as bad. Felt pretty normal. Was doing fine and wasn't cussing about how bad the pain sucked. So the left side wasn't too bad. Then of course we notice fluid on the left side like there was on the right side. Dr. Mess poked around and ended up getting 70cc out of that side.
At first I started thinking that it was a large amount for her to have to drain out of me, but considering the drains had been removed on Thursday, those amounts of fluid weren't too bad. I can live with that. Hopefully when I go back on Monday we won't have to drain anymore fluid, but you never know.
So the injections didn't take too long. I got 120cc put in to each side. This essentially took me to being an A cup. I am proud of that A cup right now. At least I'm not completely flat chested. The scarring still looks pretty bad to me and I am struggling with it, but hey, I'll eventually find acceptance to all of this, right?
After we left from my appointment I finally realized why I was given Compazine. A ginormous wave of nausea hit me and I wanted to toss my cookies. So instead of throwing up, I had Andy turn the air up to cool me off in hopes of me not getting sick. We get down the road a few miles and my personality came out. I told him that he needed to turn the AC down cause my nipples were going to fall off they were so cold. The humor in that is that I don't have nipples anymore. I thought it was funny. I think Andy thought I was out of my mind. Maybe at that point I was, but ya know what? I walked out of Dr. Mess' office with an A cup, and that was a win win situation.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! This sucks. That's exactly what I was saying. Dr. Mess had to remind me to breathe cause all I could think was to hold my breath and maybe that would hold off the pain. Yeah, no bueno. That didn't work for me.
She did notice that I had some fluid under the armpit, or the side boob as some would call it. She ended up poking around and pulling 50cc out of the right side after she had done my saline injection.
Switch to the left side and that didn't hurt as bad. Felt pretty normal. Was doing fine and wasn't cussing about how bad the pain sucked. So the left side wasn't too bad. Then of course we notice fluid on the left side like there was on the right side. Dr. Mess poked around and ended up getting 70cc out of that side.
At first I started thinking that it was a large amount for her to have to drain out of me, but considering the drains had been removed on Thursday, those amounts of fluid weren't too bad. I can live with that. Hopefully when I go back on Monday we won't have to drain anymore fluid, but you never know.
So the injections didn't take too long. I got 120cc put in to each side. This essentially took me to being an A cup. I am proud of that A cup right now. At least I'm not completely flat chested. The scarring still looks pretty bad to me and I am struggling with it, but hey, I'll eventually find acceptance to all of this, right?
After we left from my appointment I finally realized why I was given Compazine. A ginormous wave of nausea hit me and I wanted to toss my cookies. So instead of throwing up, I had Andy turn the air up to cool me off in hopes of me not getting sick. We get down the road a few miles and my personality came out. I told him that he needed to turn the AC down cause my nipples were going to fall off they were so cold. The humor in that is that I don't have nipples anymore. I thought it was funny. I think Andy thought I was out of my mind. Maybe at that point I was, but ya know what? I walked out of Dr. Mess' office with an A cup, and that was a win win situation.
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