In 48 hours, I will be on my way to the hospital to get this journey truly started. I'd be lying if I said I am okay. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not terrified. I'd be lying if I said that I woke up this morning in tears when the realization hit me.
Yesterday, the anesthesiologist office called me to remind me of what to do and what not to do. No eating, drinking, or chewing gum after midnight. Make sure that I take all my jewelry off. Make sure that I don't have deodorant or any kind of lotion on. And of course, they will see me on Friday morning. *sigh* Okay, this shit just got real. I figured that my last phone call before this would be from the anesthesiologist since that's how it was before I had the excisional biopsy.
My mother-in-law is driving in today. She should be here sometime tonight. It's a long drive up from Jacksonville, and I appreciate her coming. My mom will be back on Saturday. So I have 2 moms that are coming to take care of me. I'm thankful that they are going to take care of me. I just hope that I'm not too much of a burden on them. I know that they will say that I'm not, but there is a lot that is going to be put on them.
Anyhow, I've got things that need to be done today that I can't do until after the surgery. I hope that all of you have a good day.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Emotions All Over the Place
As I stood in the shower this morning, a wave of many feelings hit me. Looking down at myself and realizing that in a little over a week, my boobs are going to be gone. Sure, they are going to be replaced with bigger and perkier ones.....eventually, but those are not mine. Okay, maybe they will be since they'll be paid for by me.
Anyhow, I find myself angry at my body for turning against me. That I have to take part of myself away to keep the cancer from spreading or showing up in the other side. I recently had some friends tell me that my boobs don't make me a woman, and maybe that is true, I just don't feel that way right now. I feel like a part of me is going to be gone. Not just the physical aspect, but an emotional side of it.
Then there is the side that is so sad. Sure, these boobs are going to look great once they are done and the tattoos are on them, but they aren't mine. Not really. There's not going to be any feeling in them from what I understand. That bothers me. That really bothers me and hurts.
Let's not forget the insecure side of me. I wonder after all this is over, is my husband still going to think I am pretty? Is he still going to want someone who is damaged? Will he look at me the same? I'd like to believe that even through this, he's going to love me no matter what, but I'm not so sure.
I know some of these ramblings are pretty ridiculous to some, but it's how I am feeling today. Maybe I'll come to terms with what is happening. Maybe I won't. I guess I just will have to wait and see.
Anyhow, I find myself angry at my body for turning against me. That I have to take part of myself away to keep the cancer from spreading or showing up in the other side. I recently had some friends tell me that my boobs don't make me a woman, and maybe that is true, I just don't feel that way right now. I feel like a part of me is going to be gone. Not just the physical aspect, but an emotional side of it.
Then there is the side that is so sad. Sure, these boobs are going to look great once they are done and the tattoos are on them, but they aren't mine. Not really. There's not going to be any feeling in them from what I understand. That bothers me. That really bothers me and hurts.
Let's not forget the insecure side of me. I wonder after all this is over, is my husband still going to think I am pretty? Is he still going to want someone who is damaged? Will he look at me the same? I'd like to believe that even through this, he's going to love me no matter what, but I'm not so sure.
I know some of these ramblings are pretty ridiculous to some, but it's how I am feeling today. Maybe I'll come to terms with what is happening. Maybe I won't. I guess I just will have to wait and see.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
15 Days to Surgery....
I haven't really updated this as there hasn't really been anything going on. Of course that was until this week started. So here's the skinny on what has been going on.
I quit smoking. I am 9 1/2 days smoke free so far. It's not been nearly as bad as I thought that it would be. Or maybe it was just that I was finally ready for that change to happen. After being smoke free for 48 hours, I started walking. My first walk was 4 miles. Yeah, a little ambitious, but it was nice to be able to walk that much and not huff and puff. Each day I was continuing to walk 2 miles, but then on Sunday the shin splints and pain in my ankles got to be too much for me, so I was only able to walk a mile and then I've been resting for a couple of days.
Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment with my primary physician. Not much to report there other than I had an EKG done and was given the paperwork for my bloodwork. So off I went to the vampires to let them draw my blood. I have a pretty nasty bruise, which is probably a first in a lot of years.
Today I had my pre-op appointments with Miss Vickie and with Dr. Mess.
Miss Vickie went over all of the instructions with me on what to do before the surgery and what to expect after and how everything will go while I am in surgery. I was told that I am to be there at 7:00 am and that I had to start out with about 5 needles that shoot me full of radioactive dye to check the lymph nodes in the armpit area. Apparently, Dr. Jacobs will be removing 3 of them and then it has to be sent off to pathology. Would it surprise you if I said that I am terrified of that? The last time something came back from pathology it said it was cancer. I sure don't want to hear that things have gotten worse or spread or whatever, but it is something that is necessary. What I worry about is that there is going to be something on that pathology report that will warrant chemo, which will make me lose my hair. Yes, I am that vain I guess. Let's just cross our fingers that bad doesn't come from those results.
Now after Dr. Jacobs gets one breast done, Dr. Mess will come in and work on that breast while Dr. Jacobs works on the other. The tend to do it this way since they don't want to keep me asleep for too long. Dr. Mess will be the one that finishes everything up and then goes out to talk to Andy and let him know how I am doing.
From the information I gathered from Dr. Mess today, I will pretty much be flat chested when I come out and my boob area will be highly deformed. This is what happens when you have a mastectomy and reconstruction. I guess I thought that I would have the tissue expanders inflated enough during surgery that I wouldn't be flat chested. Apparently that is not the case here. I am seriously not looking forward to that part.
After I have had my post-op appointment with Dr. Mess, I will have one with Dr. Jacobs, then another with Dr. Mess. When those appointments are all said and done, I will be looking at having the saline injected into the tissue expanders each week until I am at my desired size. Once I am to that size, I will go back in for a surgery to have my actual implants put in. Then the journey will continue after that.
I quit smoking. I am 9 1/2 days smoke free so far. It's not been nearly as bad as I thought that it would be. Or maybe it was just that I was finally ready for that change to happen. After being smoke free for 48 hours, I started walking. My first walk was 4 miles. Yeah, a little ambitious, but it was nice to be able to walk that much and not huff and puff. Each day I was continuing to walk 2 miles, but then on Sunday the shin splints and pain in my ankles got to be too much for me, so I was only able to walk a mile and then I've been resting for a couple of days.
Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment with my primary physician. Not much to report there other than I had an EKG done and was given the paperwork for my bloodwork. So off I went to the vampires to let them draw my blood. I have a pretty nasty bruise, which is probably a first in a lot of years.
Today I had my pre-op appointments with Miss Vickie and with Dr. Mess.
Miss Vickie went over all of the instructions with me on what to do before the surgery and what to expect after and how everything will go while I am in surgery. I was told that I am to be there at 7:00 am and that I had to start out with about 5 needles that shoot me full of radioactive dye to check the lymph nodes in the armpit area. Apparently, Dr. Jacobs will be removing 3 of them and then it has to be sent off to pathology. Would it surprise you if I said that I am terrified of that? The last time something came back from pathology it said it was cancer. I sure don't want to hear that things have gotten worse or spread or whatever, but it is something that is necessary. What I worry about is that there is going to be something on that pathology report that will warrant chemo, which will make me lose my hair. Yes, I am that vain I guess. Let's just cross our fingers that bad doesn't come from those results.
Now after Dr. Jacobs gets one breast done, Dr. Mess will come in and work on that breast while Dr. Jacobs works on the other. The tend to do it this way since they don't want to keep me asleep for too long. Dr. Mess will be the one that finishes everything up and then goes out to talk to Andy and let him know how I am doing.
From the information I gathered from Dr. Mess today, I will pretty much be flat chested when I come out and my boob area will be highly deformed. This is what happens when you have a mastectomy and reconstruction. I guess I thought that I would have the tissue expanders inflated enough during surgery that I wouldn't be flat chested. Apparently that is not the case here. I am seriously not looking forward to that part.
After I have had my post-op appointment with Dr. Mess, I will have one with Dr. Jacobs, then another with Dr. Mess. When those appointments are all said and done, I will be looking at having the saline injected into the tissue expanders each week until I am at my desired size. Once I am to that size, I will go back in for a surgery to have my actual implants put in. Then the journey will continue after that.
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