A Beautiful Day

Today I went to the breast center for the Celebration of Life.  While I was there I signed a quilt that will hang on the wall, and the chair that sits in the lobby.  I did get to spend more time with Miss Vickie too.  That's always a bonus.

So when I signed the quilt and chair, the comment was made asking if I had signed "Cornbread", on the quilt I didn't, but on the chair I went back and did.  The "Cornbread" nickname came from Miss Vickie.  We had a discussion one time about different foods and such, and I shared with her how I like soup beans and cornbread.  Well, after that, she deemed me "Cornbread".  I'll take it.  :-)

Not only did I get to spend time with Miss Vickie, I also spent some time with Miss June, who I'd only met twice.  Miss June is a lot like Miss Vickie with her funny, bubbly and caring personality.  The more people I meet connected with my care team, the more and more thankful I am that I have had them.

I'm actually drawing a blank right now on what else to write.  Probably because I have 2 conferences and a paper to write for school.  If I think of something else later on, I'll be on here to post it.  So for now, here are the pics of me signing the quilt and chair.  Once Miss Vickie gets the pics of her and I together sent to me, I'll post those too.

I wish each of you a beautiful and blessed night.

Such a Good Day

So I went and saw Dr. Mess today.  She said that everything is looking wonderful.  I have great cleavage and the shape is perfect.  She even said that she could tell that there was a difference in where the lipo was done and that once the swelling is down I will be very pleased.  I also am allowed to wear my own pretty bras during the day, but I still have to wear the sports bras at night.  I'm okay with that though.

Right now I am pleased anyhow.  I do know that there is still quite a bit of swelling, but I can tell where I have been sculpted.  While that part has been painful, it was a part that made sure that I looked normal.  I would take the pain of that any day as long as I never have to hear that I have cancer again.

I also stopped over to see Miss Vickie today.  I always enjoy my visits with her.  She's such a character so full of life.  A true blessing full of strength to help get you through it all.  She talked to me about thinking that I would be great to be a support person for those who are also dealing with cancer.  I have had my really bad moments, but I have made it through.  My journey is nearly over, and I am more than happy with that.

There is also an event on Thursday where I get to go to the Breast Center and sign the quilt of the patients there.  I am a survivor, and it feels so good.  I'm going to make sure that I take the time out of my day to go to this event.  I think I'm even going to take the kids so they can see that this is something that is important to me.

Oh, and just for another note, I went and got myself inked on Saturday.  I did my pink ribbon with survivor on it.  While Andy hates it, I love it.  It is a representation of what I have been through.  It has meaning to it.  So for your viewing pleasure, here it is.

Refreshed....Just a Little

Since this is November, the month of thankfulness, I want to start this blog out with the thing I am thankful for today.

I am thankful for Miss Vickie, Dr. Jacobs, Renee, and Dr. Mess.  All of these wonderful ladies have been my cancer care team.  I'm not sure where I would be without them, but I know that I am a healthier and better person because of them.

Now on to the original sentiments of today's blog.

So for the first time in I'm not sure how long, I spent part of the day pampering myself.  I honestly started to forget what it felt like to have me time and to feel pretty again.  Of course the pretty started before I even went to the salon.

I actually put on one of my bras today.  You know, my collection of beautiful Victoria's Secrets bras.  I'm pretty sure that I'll need to go up a bit, but I'm okay with it.  Honestly, looking at how it looked on me, I cried.  I cried like a baby.  For the first time in a long time, I cried tears of joy.

Standing there looking in the mirror at my rebuilt boobs in one of my favorite bras was priceless.  There was no way to really describe all of the emotions and how I truly felt in those moments.  I finally looked at myself through the tears and saw my chest like I used to see it.

While these boobs are implants, they look as much like my own, with the exception of the nipples, which I am not having reconstructed.  I knew this process was going to be hard.  I knew I was going to have to change.  I knew that it wasn't going to be easy all of the time, but I pushed through it because I had to.  What is my reward?  Looking and feeling like a woman again in my own skin.  That is a priceless feeling.

So, what did I do at the salon?  I cut quite a bit off of my hair.  While it may look the same to some, it's not, and I sure can tell the difference.  I absolutely love it.  I also darkened it up a lot with a deep red and added some subtle lighter red highlights.  I tried to keep as much of the length as possible, but did have to part ways with some of it as it was in such bad shape.  Not completely because of not taking care of it, but the anesthesia does some pretty bad things to your hair.

I used to tell my customers that when I was in the hair industry, I just never was sure why since it was just something that I had learned.  Now I know first hand.  As much as I wanted to have the long, long sleek hair, my body wasn't going to allow me to, and I am okay with that.  At this point, anything that makes me feel better is a good thing.  So, with that said, I will leave you with 2 pictures.  1 is my new look and the other is in the pics section since it is the boobs.

I wish you all a beautiful and blessed night.

When Does It Stop?

New pics have been added for those who wish to see.

The pain and all the other crap that goes with it.  I've been doing some Googling.  (Sorry Renee)  Most of the information I have found says that the liposuction pain goes away in a couple of days.  I'm 6 days post op and still feel like I am being ripped in 2 pieces.

The bruising is lightening up, so that's a good thing.  I just wish the inside bruising didn't feel as bad as it does.  The effects of the lipo should be apparent 4-6 weeks from now.  I'm hoping for 4 weeks.  I would really like to go back to wearing clothes that are not yoga pants, even though they are comfy.

The scars on my boobs are healing beautifully.  One of the things that bothers me about them is that they aren't even remotely close to being even.  If you look at the pics you'll see what I am talking about.  I wasn't sure that this would bother me, but it does.  Any tattoo that I choose to put on there is going to have to be modified so that it allows for the symmetrical look.  No matter what it is, I will figure it out.

In the last couple of days I have found myself on Pinterest looking for the perfect tattoo that represents my battle.  I've seen a few that I really like and would be front runners, but would obviously be modified so that they are more of an original piece.  I'm gonna stick that tattoo on my back left shoulder blade.  It'll be able to be covered up, but it will also be able to be seen.  Hopefully I can get that tat inked on me within the next week and hopefully it won't cost me a fortune.

After all of the emotional turmoil that I have been dealing with since the surgery, I have to start letting it go and start doing for me.  The physical pain is tolerable with my meds, but the emotional pain on top of it is not bearable.  I don't really know what has prompted me to share this personal emotional side of me with all of you.  Maybe because I can't continue to let these kinds of things roll in my head.  Maybe it is a part of the healing process.  Maybe it is just information out there for anyone dealing with the same thing.

I just hope that my being honest about the things I am dealing with don't come back to bite me in the ass as they always have.  I want to be able to move forward from all of this.  I want people to see that there is hope even when it seems like there is none.  I want others to know that people are resilient.  Sure all of the painful stuff piled in to one seems like a bit much, but someway, somehow, you will make it through.

My bed is calling my name, so I should try and get some rest and hope that I don't wake up the same way I did today.  If you can only remember one thing, remember that you have the capacity to be a strong person.  Even though I again find myself struggling, I wish all of you a beautiful and blessed day/night.

An Emotional Mess

I'm not really sure what my deal is with being an emotional mess.

I've had some personal things happen with my family in the last few days, which I am sure is contributing to the emotional mess, but I was feeling like this before all of that.  I don't like talking about those personal things, just know that it is not the kind of thing I need to be dealing with after all of the things I have already dealt with just with my health.

I know when I posted the other day, I mentioned doing a whole bunch of crying.  It just seems to be getting worse.  I'm not really sure if my regular meds are working as they should be.  Probably should say something to the doctor about that.

I know that my expectations of people are pretty high.  In fact I would expect them to show me the same kind of courtesy that I have shown them during difficult times in their lives.  This is where I have started to realize how many people that have been in my life really don't give a damn, and frankly they never have.  I see that now.

Granted I posted how I was doing on Facebook, but since the surgery, I have had 1 friend, ONE call me to ask me how I was doing.  I then had 1 other person shoot me a message to ask me how I was doing.  Do you know how lonely it is to realize when you don't really have friends?  I'm not talking about the 54 amazing ladies who have been there to listen to me and be there for me through this.

I am talking about people who I have met in person.  People I have spent time with.  People who know the real me and not just the me they see on the computer.  It's pretty damn lonely that these people who have pretended for years upon years to be your friend, only to show that they don't care.

Granted I beat a cancer that was pretty easy to beat because of finding it as soon as I did.  Of course because I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and lose my hair, it's not a bad enough cancer to have support.  In fact, it's a cancer that most people wouldn't consider cancer because it doesn't require the harsh drugs.

I've heard reactions from people who have laughed about it.  It's no big deal.  You'll get over it.  Mind you, these are people who swore were my friends.  I've had people make comments about me not looking like I have endured all of these surgeries.

Just because I am not deathly ill from chemo and such doesn't mean that this whole process hasn't been painful.  Sure, 3 surgeries in a 6 month time span sucks, a lot.  I have watched anesthesia cause me to lose big chunks of my hair.  I've watched my scalp starting to show right in the front unless I have my hair all scrunched up into curls or pulled up in a pony tail.  I have gone from having my own breasts that I liked, to having no breasts with nasty scars, to weekly injections that hurt and caused excrutiating pain, while looking at misshapen objects that were put in place of my boobs.  Then I go in and have the implants put in.  They look beautiful, despite the nasty scars that are on them, but they really aren't mine.  The pain from the lipo is more than I can deal with.  I can't hold my kids, I can't lay how I want to.  Sleep is avoiding me.  Frankly I am miserable right now, and just wish that the healing were over and I could go on with my life.

That's just the physical aspect of it all.  The emotional aspect is even harder to deal with.  I've spent the majority of this time making jokes about it.  I laugh about having wanted new boobs, but I sure didn't want to get them because of cancer.  I laughed about the perk of lipo so that I could at least lose some of this weight, but that is just another mask.  I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror.  I honestly hate myself and what I see.  Obviously this is how others see me as the personal issues just continue.  I obviously have very little value, or people would stop making things in my life more complicated than they already are, especially 5 days after a major surgery.

I am constantly putting a smile on when I really don't want to.  I have to put this facade on so that people won't question my ability to be a good wife, daughter, mom and friend.  Inside I am dying though.  I can't be the real me without people making comments like previously mentioned.

This has not been an easy journey.  This is the ugly side of this disease.  I can't speak for everyone else out there who has dealt with breast cancer, but I'm sure the consensus would be that more often than not you just have to fake it to make it.  Reality is, people don't want to see the truth about how this disease tears the person apart.  Sure, in the long run you can hold your head up and say that you beat it, but just muddling through it day after day is the hard part.

Sorry for such a long post.  I have a ton of thoughts rolling around and I'm trying to get them out while I'm waiting on the pain meds to kick in and just make me pass out.  If some of this doesn't make sense, please refer back to the statement of me being on heavy duty pain meds.

While I may be struggling right now, I wish you all a beautiful and blessed day.

4 Days Post Op

*So I am 4 days post op.  Friday I went in at 10:00.  Surgery was supposed to start at 11:30 but was delayed because Dr. Mess' first case was delayed.  No problem though.  Not like I was going anywhere without having my surgery done.

As always we started out with the same routine of if I ate or drank.  Was my insurance the same?  Had I been feeling well?  You know...all the random stuff they ask you before they drug you up and start cutting you open.  I was doing great for the most part with managing stress and anxiety.  That was until it really hit me that this was going to be almost the very end of this journey.  The anxiety did pick up a little bit, but I was okay once I was headed in.

Aunt Sandy came out here to take me to my surgery and help me out for a few days.  Andy had an assessment for work that couldn't be rescheduled on Friday, so I didn't expect him to be at the hospital when I woke up, but he was.  So of course that made me overly emotional seeing that my husband made it there to be with me.  Then of course thinking about Mike being stressed out thinking I was going to be a mess like I was after the mastectomy and then Landen being at home so sick.  Everything just made me want to cry.

Surgery took a little more than 3 hours.  I came out of it feeling pretty good other than the nausea.  I honestly think that the oxygen is what makes me nauseous.  It seems like any time they have had the oxygen on me, I just feel so sick.  I'm not totally sure why since oxygen is good for you.

As for the pain, it seemed to be at a minimum....at least until I stood up.  I felt like I was being tore in 2 by my top and my bottom.  That came from having fat grafting done.  So with my new boobs, I was able to get some of my fat gone.  Right now you can't tell from the amount of bruising and swelling, but I'm pretty sure enough was taken to drop me 2 pants sizes.  Can't beat getting a bit of lipo so that my implants will look more natural.

The last couple of days I've been doing fairly well, as long as I don't have to bend over.  I of course am not allowed to be lifting anything, not that I would want to.  It sucks because I want to be able to hold and hug the kids and dogs, but am afraid of them hitting me the wrong way and me being in pain all over again.

So today I went in for my post op appointment.  Dr. Mess said that everything looked good.  She slathered me up with Neosporin and put gauze back on me.  I have to go back next Monday to make sure that all is healing well still.  Even with the scarring, I am very impressed with the shape and feel of the implants.  Eventually they will be more and more squishy and the cleavage will be back to normal, or as normal as possible with implants.

For now that is all that I have for you.  For those of you who are interested, the pics from Friday are with the photos section.  I hope that all of you have a beautiful and blessed day.

Picking Back Up

I know I've been pretty quiet.  I've used this blog just for my journey, so with there having been nothing going on, I sort of let it go.  I did think about posting a few times, but most of the things I would talk about wouldn't even relate to my journey.  With that said, there is an update.

I went and had my pre-op appointment with Dr. Mess today.  They took another picture so that there is a baseline as to where she needs to put my implants and all that good stuff.  Besides talking about my numerous questions, we discussed how I am feeling about this whole thing.

To be honest, I am really looking forward to this surgery.  I'm not afraid anymore.  Sure I don't like the idea of being cut open again, but I also don't like laying on these rocks.  That's the best way that I can describe how these tissue expanders feel.  I am a belly sleeper, and I haven't been able to comfortably sleep the way that I want just because of how hard these are.  I just want to have squishy boobs again.

We talked about going back in through the scars that are already there, that way I don't have 2 sets of scars. Sounds good to me.  If they fade out as well as these ones have, then I don't think that it will be too hard for me to get past the look of them.  I'll have to post a picture of how they look before I go in for my surgery that way ya'll can see how good the scarring actually looks.

Since implants really don't look real, I also get to have some fat grafting done.  This will be where Dr. Mess will make an incision near my belly button and suck fat out.  The fat will then be transplanted to my chest to fill in the dents between my collarbone and the implants.  It's not something that can be seen in a picture, but in person you can actually see where I am concave.  So essentially, I get to lose a bit of fat too.  Can't really beat that, and I sure won't complain.  That's for sure.

I'm Getting There.....Slowly

Last Wednesday I went in for my injections.  Turns out that they were my final injections.  I am finally at the size that I should be for the switch out at the end of October.  

I had the full 120cc put into the right side as always.  It looks fantastic.  I'm very pleased with the results and know that once the implant is in, it will look so much better.  On the left she only put in 60cc.  With the way that the muscle turned and the expander turned, I was stretching the wrong way.  So to avoid having to do more repair than necessary, I took less.  Essentially what is going to happen is the left side is going to have a bit of a bigger implant. 

The implant has to be bigger because of the need to manipulate the muscle back to the way that it is supposed to be.  I'll end up having 2 scars on the left breast instead of 1 like on the right.  At this point it doesn't really matter about the scarring as I am sure that Dr. Mess will do a fantastic job to make them look perfect.

While that is still awhile off, I still am dealing with the muscle spasms.  From the day of the injections until Monday morning, I have had horrid spasms.  Wednesday, the pain hit about 10 minutes after I left Dr. Mess' office.  I ended up taking all the meds I could in the 24 hour time period and still got no relief or quality sleep.  

The night before the injections, I had someone very important to me break my heart.  I had been running on 2 hours of sleep and then I went in for injections.  That was not a smart move.  Then you add the pain of the spasms and still not being able to sleep on top of it, I ended up sleeping for maybe 4-5 hours over a 48 hour period.  Each morning I was waking up unable to pull myself out of bed and having to depend on Andy to lift me up so I could just get out of the bed.  

The last couple of days haven't been so bad, but physically I think I have broken down as much as I can.  While the pain is easing up, I still find some tasks difficult to do.  To me that is frustrating.  Typing on the computer for too long causes pain to shoot up and down my right arm.  Remember, that is the side that the nodes were removed from.  I continue to do stretches on it and anything else that I need to for it to try and feel better.  

I'm trying not to Google too much to try and get answers.  Afterall, not every case is the same and not every person is the same.  I just hope that I don't have to deal with muscle spasms when the implants are put in.  I'm not sure how much more of those I would be able to deal with.  While it is true that I am a strong person, there is a breaking point as well.

That is all that I have for this morning.  Please excuse if it sounds like ramblings as I am still tired but wanted to get the thoughts out and the blog updated.  I hope all of you have a blessed day and thank you for continuing to love me through it.

A Reminder to All and An Update on My Sister

First I will start with the update on my sister.  If you haven't been following me the whole time, then this information will be helpful to you.  My sister Michelle was diagnosed with atypical hyperplasia.  Basically, she had pre-cancerous cells.  So, she chose to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy done.  While I am 3 weeks ahead of her in this journey, we are able to go through it with each other.

She finally had her drain tubes removed yesterday, after having them in for over a week.  Then you put the other stuff that she has told me about her doctors, I just want to go pick her up from Ohio and bring her out here and let my care team take care of her.  So anyhow, they still are going to wait another 2 weeks before they start pumping her up.  Okay then.....

When they removed her left breast (which is the one she was having issues with), they found that she was a ticking time bomb.  She was full of those pre-cancerous cells.  Thank you God for letting my own breast issues warrant my sister to check herself.  I've been told that I helped to save her life.  That's a good feeling, but I also just wanted to make sure that my sisters were to take care of themselves and listen to their bodies.

Now, the reminder to you all.

This morning I woke up to a post on Facebook that I was tagged in.  I'm not going to go into detail as I don't want to violate the privacy of this person, but she is having issues that I remember started before my journey really started.  I don't want to scare her, but I also don't want her to ignore things.

So, if you feel like something is off, go have it checked out.  If you still think that something isn't right even when the doctor says you are fine, get a 2nd opinion.  I was never really good at doing that until this happened to me.  Oh, and another word of advice STOP GOOGLING symptoms.  You'll end up driving yourself crazy and diagnosing yourself with stuff that is not even remotely close.  Yes, I did the whole Google thing and scared myself.  Even now Dr. Mess and Renee tell me to stop Googling and just let it go or ask them about it.  So that is my advice for the day.

One more thing that I just realized....I am 1 month and 1 day post op and the cancer cells have been removed from me.  However, since there is no 100%  cancer free given until the 5 year mark, I will gladly count each of these months until that 5 year mark.

I hope each of you have a beautiful and blessed day and thank you for loving me through it.

I'm Such a Slacker....Lots of Updates

Okay, so I have been slacking, but I do have some pretty good stories for the last week.  So buckle up and get ready for this ride.

On the 21st I went in and had 110cc put in each side, this was the day after I had those horrid muscle spasms.  I had my friend Suzy go in with me to this appointment.  While I never look down during injections, Suzy did watch.  She seemed thrilled with how she could see the boobs puffing up during the injections.  With the 110cc put in, that puts me at 590cc total.  That number may change depending on if Dr. Mess had put any saline in on the day of the surgery.  According to my nurse Renee, I will probably be inflated to 800-850cc before we are done with expanding.  YAY!!  It is normal to over expand as they need the extra skin for the switchout.

Well, I thought the muscle spasms I had before were bad.  I was wrong.  That night the muscle spasms had me screaming and writhing in pain.  I was able to get myself out of bed and crawl to momma's room to get her up.  I was absolutely terrified of how bad the pain was.  I ended up sitting up with her until about 7am the next morning.  I drugged myself up and went back to bed.  I've had a few nights that have sucked, but not nearly as bad as that night.

The next day I had to go to Freshman Orientation for Mike.  Talk about a reality check.  Then of course you add my pain on top of it, I did not want to be there and going on a tour of the school and listening to rambling.  That may not be what it was, but that's what it felt like when I was there.  I did suck it up and "soldier" on and go though.  That's my job as mom.

Oh, did I mention in a previous blog, as I am pretty out of it right now and feeling like crap, Mike made the JV football team.  Talk about another proud mom moment there.  I was neglecting myself by not taking my needed meds to make sure that he was getting to his practices and such.  I wasn't going to punish him for my illness.  Another one of those that's my job things.

Then it seemed as though an angel dropped out of the sky.   One of Mike's teammates said that he could ride home with them.  They literally live around the corner from us.  This was such a big help.  Even the teammate's mom told me I need to be taking care of me and that if I needed anything, just to let her know.  So now I don't have to worry about whether I can get Mike to and from practice if Andy isn't home.

Okay, so back to the reconstruction stuff.  I have set the date for my switch out.  October 25th I will be going back in and having my implants put in and some fat grafting done.  The fat grafting is to make sure that they look normal instead of the whole Pam Anderson look that people relate to implants.  I am looking forward to that date simply because that means I am one step closer to being done with this process.

If you look at the pictures on the other tab above, you'll see the progress.  You might notice that one side looks different than the other.  Not only in size, but in shape.  The reason for this is because the muscle shifted and caused the expander to shift.  This is common, so don't be alarmed.  At this point I'm not.  As long as they look normal when done.

Last week, I received a package in the mail from one of my mommy friends.  She made me a beautiful necklace to represent my journey.  She makes hand-stamped jewelry.  Check her out if you get a chance.  She is a work at home mom.  You can find her store at www.etsy.com/shop/memorylanejewelry  Again, I cried for the kindness and the thought to do something so wonderful for me.  I truly feel as though I don't deserve as many blessings as I have had through this journey.



Today was an accomplished day.  I got the big kid up for his first day of Freshman year.  Yes, I was "that" mom and took a picture as he was headed out.  Then I gave him a hug.  Then I promptly started crying as this is my big baby and he is growing up so fast.  Then we had the conference to meet Landen's teacher today.  Yep, my 2nd baby is headed to Pre-K.  Where has the time gone?  Let's not forget the 2 hour trip to the grocery and then putting it all away.  So I am pretty beat.

I'll try and update after my next set of injections on Wednesday, but with the pain, my classes starting back up and Mike's football, I am finding life to be pretty hectic.  Please forgive me if I don't keep up nearly as much these days.  I will do as I can.  Don't forget to check out the pics section if you are following that, to see the last updates there.

Muscle Spasms Suck

All this week I have had horrid muscle spasms. If I could compare them to anything, they feel like labor pains, but in my chest.

I didn't sign up for this shitty part of this. I just wanna know when this pain is going to stop.

I find I am waking up at about 3:30 in the morning when I have them and it takes til about 6:30 to feel any relief, even after drugging myself.

Someone please tell me this doesn't continue to happen after the reconstruction is done. This sucks terribly and I don't know how much more I can take of it.

God please take this pain away.

More Than Appreciative...and Then Some

I have this set of ladies that I met back in November 2010.  We were all pregnant and due in July 2011.  So that was the commonality that we all had......that we knew of.  During our time of getting to know each other, that's when we realized that we were the most awesome set of ladies out there.

The majority of the core ones have stayed with us all this time.  We have been through so much together.  We have had new babies born.  We have had arguments.  We have leaned on each other in times that we have needed each other.  For nearly 3 years, these ladies have been an important part of my life and have been there for me through some of the most horrible things that can happen.

So how do these ladies play into any of this?  Well, this is how.

Yesterday I went out to check the mail as usual.  Over the last couple of weeks I have been getting random cards in the mail from these ladies.  I've gotten cards from my pastor and cards from some of the church family.  So anyway, I get to the mailbox and find junk mail there.  Hey!  At least it isn't bills right?

I came back in the house and shut the door behind me only to be stopped by my doorbell.  (Which of course makes Perry our dog go nutso and act like an idiot.)  I turn around and open the door to find a box that was from one of the ladies.  I started crying at that point.  Little did I know that the crying was not over.

I open up the box to find random things to keep me busy while I am in between my medically induced naps.  Of course in the style of Katie, who is my Floridian, and who's name was on the package, I find myself with a package of cards that have the Florida Gator on them.  Now I know that she isn't the only one who likes to rub the Gators in to me.  So I knew a couple of them came up with it.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I love college football, but I bleed Buckeye Scarlet and Gray.  While living in Florida, I did find a little part of my heart that can like the Gators, but only if they aren't playing my Buckeyes.

Anyhow, I'm still crying but laughing a bit at the sentiment of the cards.  Then I find the greeting card.  The front of it presented to me that it was going to be quite interesting.  If ya'll are interested in seeing it, I will take a pic and post it with this blog.  The card made me laugh through the tears.  Then I see what was folded up in the card.  Upon opening it and just reading a couple of lines, I was bawling hysterically.  My mom and son couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  That's when I handed them this paper that was folded up.

These ladies, 55 of them, 2 of whom I have only met face to face, got together behind my back and arranged for me to have a day at the spa.  Something I have never had and something that I have always dreamed of having.  Needless to say, I couldn't stop myself from crying.  To think that these 55 ladies thought enough of me to pull together to do this for me.  Even as I write this it makes me tear up.

For so many years in my life I felt like no one cared about me, and those who acted like they did, really didn't.  I think I know better now.  I have a few that I know are genuine, but the most prominent are these ladies who have some of the most genuine hearts that I would swear are made of gold and are most definitely worth more than their weight in gold.

When I would watch the video to Martina McBride's "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" I would think of some people in my lives, but these ladies seemed to be the ones who stuck out the most to me.  Even more so now.  It's not even the gift that mattered.  Each and every day when I have a pain that hurts me, days that I look in the mirror and hate what I see, days that everything else in my life is going wrong, they have been there.

For all of those times I am so blessed and couldn't have asked for more.  This iced my cake and showed me how much these ladies care for me.  So for each and every one of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love each and every one of you.  (Even the really kinky ones who keep my days interesting.  You know who you are.)  Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me through it.

Pump Me Up Version 2

I ended up having some fluid build up that was concerning me.  So instead of waiting for Dr. Mess to get me in on Monday, she got me into the office on Saturday morning.  That's one hell of a Dr. if you ask me.

The swelling on the right was not nearly as bad as it appeared the night before and she wasn't able to get any more than 20cc of fluid out of it, but still could feel some in there.  She told me just to put the surgical bra back on and hope that it would reabsorb.  If not, we will try and remove some more on Thursday.  She just didn't want to risk hitting my expander and having to start over because of puncturing it trying to get the fluid.

For some reason the swelling on the left was worse, but sure didn't feel like it.  She ended up pulling 60cc of fluid off of that side.  Dr. Mess figured that we probably wouldn't have to worry about fluid after the appointment this week.

While I saw her on Saturday, she did end up giving me my injections.  So I got 120cc more in each side, which means I am now up to a B cup.  I'm not flat chested anymore.  And.....if I feel like putting on one of my bras, I actually look like my boobs look nice, just not as big as normal.  I'm okay with that for now.

For those of you who want to see the new pics, you can find them on the page with all of the other pictures.

This morning was awful though.  I woke up with the most horrendous muscle spasms in my chest.  I couldn't even lift up to try and get my meds.  I started crying which was hard to do with the pain, and then started begging for my meds.  Andy was able to lift me up, get my meds and lay me back down.

I found that laying down with the spasms only made them worse.  So I decided to get up and go hang out with mom outside.  I was feeling much better, and the spasms let up on me.....that was until I stood up to do anything.  :-(

Enough time had passed that I was finally able to take more meds and get a good nap in.  Most of the pain has subsided, but I still am tender.  I just hope that this pain subsides completely by Thursday that way I can get my other 120cc to get me up to a C.

I just want to get to the point where I can go get these terrible expanders out and put my nice new implants in.  That will just mean that this journey will be closer to an end and I can move on to other journeys in my life.

Owwies!

So I am sitting here wrapped up with 2 bandage wraps to try and get the fluid in the "side boob" to go down.  Did I mention that I am wrapped so tight that I am having a heck of a time breathing?  LOL!

Anyhow, just a little note, I've been feeling like mangled dog turds today.  Emotionally and physically.  So because I was feeling as such I called Dr. Jacobs and Dr. Mess to find out what I was supposed to do about the pain of the fluid.  Dr. Jacobs told me to wrap myself up with a couple of Ace Bandages to try and get the fluid to just reabsorb itself.  Dr. Mess finally called me back and is graciously bringing me in tomorrow to drain this crap.

Alleluia!  I will be so thankful when my armpits don't feel like they are being rubbed raw and I am able to breathe again.  Anyhow, eyeballs are getting tired so I'm headed off to bed.

Much love to all of you that are loving me through it.

Is It Really That Bad??

So I keep getting told by people that I need to accept that this has happened to me.  I'm not sure that I am ready for that part yet.  I'm angry that my body turned against itself and that I have to bear the burden of the scars.

I'm supposed to just get over the hurt whether it be physical or emotional.  Not as easily done as it is said.  Especially when the person who is telling me to get over it won't touch the wounds which don't hurt, and he won't even look at them.

Remember when I said I was afraid of repulsing him?  Well, I think this is the crossroad that we are at now.

And the Award Goes to....

ME!!  I had my appointment with Dr. Jacobs today.  The pathology report came back.....

I made the right choice in doing the mastectomy.  The tumor was at least 3cm on the longest part of it, which is a large amount in comparison when it comes to boobs.  Then you have to think about having to make sure that there is a 2mm margin between where the tumor was and where the good tissue is.  If I had chosen the lumpectomy, I would have practically had no boob left on the right side.

The left breast showed no signs of cancer whatsoever, but was taken as a preventative measure and while I am still having issues with looking at it, I know that I did the right thing.  At least I think so.

During the mastectomy, Dr. Jacobs removed 3 nodes.  I wasn't really sure what the purpose of that was, but it was basically to see if the cancer had spread.  Guess what??  It didn't!!!

So the whole point of this post and how great life is, is this:  I AM CANCER FREE!!  There is no reason for me to do chemo, radiation or any kind of hormonal therapy.  I am done with seeing Dr. Jacobs until next year.  That is more just to check how the reconstruction looks and to check in on me.  After that, I only have to be checked by her every 5 years.

Now, there is a down side to all of this.  With not having the several appointments with Dr. Jacobs, I don't get to see my angel of a nurse Miss Vickie.  That makes me sad.  I will tell you this though, I will find a way to keep up with her no matter what.  Her smiling face, humor, personality and just her compassion for people has made her one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  I am ever so grateful for her and the fact that she helped to make the cancer part of this journey so much easier for me.

Miss Vickie, If you happen to stumble upon this blog, I want you to know how appreciative of you that I am. Thank you for being you and being so caring.  I promise I will forever be your lil cornbread.

So tonight, I will leave you with this.  Here is the pic that Andy took of me and Miss Vickie this morning.

I'm Going to Pump You Up....

So yesterday I went and saw Dr. Mess.  I wasn't sure what the appointment was other than to just check me over.  Well, I was getting my first injections.  Yes, I sure was excited.  I was doing the whole sitting down happy dance and hooping and hollaring.  That was until she stuck me with the needle to put the saline in the expanders.

Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!  This sucks.  That's exactly what I was saying.  Dr. Mess had to remind me to breathe cause all I could think was to hold my breath and maybe that would hold off the pain.  Yeah, no bueno.  That didn't work for me.

She did notice that I had some fluid under the armpit, or the side boob as some would call it.  She ended up poking around and pulling 50cc out of the right side after she had done my saline injection.

Switch to the left side and that didn't hurt as bad.  Felt pretty normal.  Was doing fine and wasn't cussing about how bad the pain sucked.  So the left side wasn't too bad.  Then of course we notice fluid on the left side like there was on the right side.  Dr. Mess poked around and ended up getting 70cc out of that side.

At first I started thinking that it was a large amount for her to have to drain out of me, but considering the drains had been removed on Thursday, those amounts of fluid weren't too bad.  I can live with that.  Hopefully when I go back on Monday we won't have to drain anymore fluid, but you never know.

So the injections didn't take too long.  I got 120cc put in to each side.  This essentially took me to being an A cup.  I am proud of that A cup right now.  At least I'm not completely flat chested.  The scarring still looks pretty bad to me and I am struggling with it, but hey, I'll eventually find acceptance to all of this, right?

After we left from my appointment I finally realized why I was given Compazine.  A ginormous wave of nausea hit me and I wanted to toss my cookies.  So instead of throwing up, I had Andy turn the air up to cool me off in hopes of me not getting sick.  We get down the road a few miles and my personality came out.  I told him that he needed to turn the AC down cause my nipples were going to fall off they were so cold.  The humor in that is that I don't have nipples anymore.  I thought it was funny.  I think Andy thought I was out of my mind.  Maybe at that point I was, but ya know what?  I walked out of Dr. Mess' office with an A cup, and that was a win win situation.

I Hate You and Then Some!

As I updated my status on Facebook earlier today, I didn't quite say as much as I wanted to.  I simply started out with this:

“I hate you. I look in the mirror and all I want to do is break it that way I don't have to see the truth. The truth is hurtful. Scars that are awful. Lines of the former me. I'm alot fatter than I thought I was. At least you used to be able to hide that for me. You've made me cry. You've made me feel awful, and now you make me feel uglier than I already did. Oh how I hate you.”

I want to elaborate on this more.  Let you into my head a little bit more.  If you can't take the negativity, then I am sorry, but please use the red X in the corner.  I have these things rolling in my head and I can't let them stay there.  I can only hope that my words can somehow help others who are going through the same thing or will be going through the same thing.  My thoughts may help someone to not feel alone in the things they think of themselves after they have started their process.

I didn't have too much of a problem removing the bandages yesterday.  It was freeing actually.  I took the picture not for me, but for others to see the journey.  The beginning of this if you will.  The picture isn't what really bothered me to tell you the truth.

While Renee, Dr. Mess' nurse removed my tape and drain tubes, that is when I got a really good look at the purple lines that were drawn on me.  Those purple lines were put there the day of my surgery.  They were the outline of MY breasts.  I assume that they were put there to help Dr. Mess to know where to put the tissue expanders to make me look as normal as possible.  To look at these purple lines and then to look at the horrific marks left behind is emotionally........I don't even have the right word for it.

So that was emotional, and it only got worse last night.  I was changing my clothes to get into bed.  I was able to take the surgical bra off and put on a camisole which is a bit more comfortable, but still sucks.  So in this process, I was able to look at the train wreck even closer.  Tears started falling and couldn't stop.  Even after I was drug out of the bathroom and dressed.

This morning I was digging through my closet to try and find something to wear.  That's too tight.  That's too low cut.  That's not big enough to hide the ugly.  That shirt will do what I need it to, but I can't get it on because it hurts my arms to try and force the clothing on myself.  So I settled for a t-shirt and my yoga pants.
Oh, let's not forget the moment I looked in the mirror after I was dressed and started to brush my teeth. Wow.....I look about 6 months pregnant.  *Sigh*  I can't fucking win for losing.  Go ahead, bring on the looks from people who want to ask me how far along I am, cause I got several of those looks today.  I know what they look like, I have been that judgmental person and have had the same look on my face.  I have been stupid enough to ask that question.

Maybe this is the lesson that I am supposed to learn from all of this.  Maybe I am supposed to learn to keep my mouth shut.  Maybe I am supposed to be less judgmental unless I know the entire story.  Maybe I am being punished for all those times that I hurt other people and didn't care as long as it didn't effect me.

So what really was the point of this post?  I guess for me to just get some negativity out.  To finally come out and say how much I hate myself and how disgusted I am with myself.  I already didn't feel pretty. Now.....well I feel repulsive and would understand if others saw me that way too.

6 Days Post Mastectomy

So I went in at 7:00am on Friday July 29th for the mastectomy.  I was terrified to say the least.  There was a lot of anxiety, a lot of anger, a lot of tears and everything else in between.  I didn't balk on it, so my journey is continuing.

I was finally taken back to surgery after have a radioactive dye shot into my right nipple and massaged in to take pictures of where lymph nodes were.  This was rather interesting and educational so I knew what nodes Dr. Jacobs would be taking out.  After that I was wheeled back to my pre-op room to wait on Dr. Mess to arrive and have me sign all of the day of surgery consent forms.

My anesthesiologist came out to get me and gave me a kick ass cocktail that had me pretty out of it before they could truly knock me out in the OR.  I only slightly remember pieces of words that everyone was saying before I was completely under.

I came out of surgery screaming bloody murder and begging for them to drug me as much as possible because the pain was too much to handle.  Whatever they happened to give me worked pretty well as I slept and didn't feel much of anything.

My day was filled with nurses coming in and out to check my vitals, dose me with more Morphine, ask me how I was feeling and to empty my drain tubes.  Sleep wasn't too good that night, and it was okay for the most part.

The next day Dr. Mess came in and said that with as good as I looked and how chipper I appeared, I could go home after lunch.  GOOD DEAL!!  Dr. Jacobs came in a bit later and said about the same as Dr. Mess.  Not long after that I found myself headed home.

I set up camp for a couple of days on the couch so that I could sleep and not hurt any part of myself.  That worked, but I wasn't able to sleep next to Andy which made me a bit restless.  Finally on Tuesday night I was able to be propped up and sleep in my own bed while holding my husband's hand.  Sleep was peaceful.

Today I went to see Dr. Mess.  I had the bandages removed and cried.  I guess seeing them bandaged up versus without the bandages is two entirely different things.  It was highly emotional.  I also had the pleasure of having the drain tubes removed.  It was not nearly as horrific as I have read all over the internet.

Now all I have to do is go back on Monday for Dr. Mess to check me again, and if all is well, I may, just may get my first saline injection.  Then on Tuesday I get to see Miss Vickie and Dr. Jacobs so they can see how I am and hopefully give me the results of the pathology report of the lymph nodes that were taken out.

For now though, I am going to take my meds and try to get some sleep.  Thank you all for the continued prayers, thoughts and blessings.  They mean more to me than most of you know.  Much love to all of you while you are loving me through this.

48 Hours

In 48 hours, I will be on my way to the hospital to get this journey truly started.  I'd be lying if I said I am okay.  I'd be lying if I said that I'm not terrified.  I'd be lying if I said that I woke up this morning in tears when the realization hit me.

Yesterday, the anesthesiologist office called me to remind me of what to do and what not to do.  No eating, drinking, or chewing gum after midnight.  Make sure that I take all my jewelry off.  Make sure that I don't have deodorant or any kind of lotion on.  And of course, they will see me on Friday morning.  *sigh*  Okay, this shit just got real.  I figured that my last phone call before this would be from the anesthesiologist since that's how it was before I had the excisional biopsy.

My mother-in-law is driving in today.  She should be here sometime tonight.  It's a long drive up from Jacksonville, and I appreciate her coming.  My mom will be back on Saturday.  So I have 2 moms that are coming to take care of me.  I'm thankful that they  are going to take care of me.  I just hope that I'm not too much of a burden on them. I know that they will say that I'm not, but there is a lot that is going to be put on them.

Anyhow, I've got things that need to be done today that I can't do until after the surgery.  I hope that all of you have a good day.

Emotions All Over the Place

As I stood in the shower this morning, a wave of many feelings hit me.  Looking down at myself and realizing that in a little over a week, my boobs are going to be gone.  Sure, they are going to be replaced with bigger and perkier ones.....eventually, but those are not mine.  Okay, maybe they will be since they'll be paid for by me.

Anyhow, I find myself angry at my body for turning against me.  That I have to take part of myself away to keep the cancer from spreading or showing up in the other side.  I recently had some friends tell me that my boobs don't make me a woman, and maybe that is true, I just don't feel that way right now.  I feel like a part of me is going to be gone.  Not just the physical aspect, but an emotional side of it.

Then there is the side that is so sad.  Sure, these boobs are going to look great once they are done and the tattoos are on them, but they aren't mine.  Not really.  There's not going to be any feeling in them from what I understand.  That bothers me.  That really bothers me and hurts.

Let's not forget the insecure side of me.  I wonder after all this is over, is my husband still going to think I am pretty?  Is he still going to want someone who is damaged?  Will he look at me the same?  I'd like to believe that even through this, he's going to love me no matter what, but I'm not so sure.

I know some of these ramblings are pretty ridiculous to some, but it's how I am feeling today.  Maybe I'll come to terms with what is happening.  Maybe I won't.  I guess I just will have to wait and see.

15 Days to Surgery....

I haven't really updated this as there hasn't really been anything going on.  Of course that was until this week started.  So here's the skinny on what has been going on.

I quit smoking.  I am 9 1/2 days smoke free so far.  It's not been nearly as bad as I thought that it would be. Or maybe it was just that I was finally ready for that change to happen.  After being smoke free for 48 hours, I started walking.  My first walk was 4 miles.  Yeah, a little ambitious, but it was nice to be able to walk that much and not huff and puff.  Each day I was continuing to walk 2 miles, but then on Sunday the shin splints and pain in my ankles got to be too much for me, so I was only able to walk a mile and then I've been resting for a couple of days.

Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment with my primary physician.  Not much to report there other than I had an EKG done and was given the paperwork for my bloodwork.  So off I went to the vampires to let them draw my blood.  I have a pretty nasty bruise, which is probably a first in a lot of years.

Today I had my pre-op appointments with Miss Vickie and with Dr. Mess.

Miss Vickie went over all of the instructions with me on what to do before the surgery and what to expect after and how everything will go while I am in surgery.  I was told that I am to be there at 7:00 am and that I had to start out with about 5 needles that shoot me full of radioactive dye to check the lymph nodes in the armpit area.  Apparently, Dr. Jacobs will be removing 3 of them and then it has to be sent off to pathology.  Would it surprise you if I said that I am terrified of that?  The last time something came back from pathology it said it was cancer.  I sure don't want to hear that things have gotten worse or spread or whatever, but it is something that is necessary.  What I worry about is that there is going to be something on that pathology report that will warrant chemo, which will make me lose my hair.  Yes, I am that vain I guess. Let's just cross our fingers that bad doesn't come from those results.

Now after Dr. Jacobs gets one breast done, Dr. Mess will come in and work on that breast while Dr. Jacobs works on the other.  The tend to do it this way since they don't want to keep me asleep for too long. Dr. Mess will be the one that finishes everything up and then goes out to talk to Andy and let him know how I am doing.

From the information I gathered from Dr. Mess today, I will pretty much be flat chested when I come out and my boob area will be highly deformed.  This is what happens when you have a mastectomy and reconstruction.  I guess I thought that I would have the tissue expanders inflated enough during surgery that I wouldn't be flat chested.  Apparently that is not the case here.  I am seriously not looking forward to that part.

After I have had my post-op appointment with Dr. Mess, I will have one with Dr. Jacobs, then another with Dr. Mess.  When those appointments are all said and done, I will be looking at having the saline injected into the tissue expanders each week until I am at my desired size.  Once I am to that size, I will go back in for a surgery to have my actual implants put in.  Then the journey will continue after that.

Unrelated News and An Update

Lots of things have been going on in life that have kept me pretty busy and away from the computer.
My oldest son turned 14 on Tuesday. He had football conditioning after school and then after that we had the parents' meeting for high school football. Talk about a reality check.
Then yesterday I watched him walk across the stage and graduate from middle school. Reality check again. This is getting too real.
I was trying to hold back tears, but failed miserably. I cried while tying his tie for him. I welled up in tears when they called his name and while choking back tears, I had to embarass him while yelling out, "Way to go Bubba!"
Did I forget to mention welling up in more tears when I realized that he will graduate high school when his baby brother will graduate Kindergarten? Yeah, that thought crossed my mind too.
Where oh where has the time gone? While these things have kept me tearful, it truly has been tears of joy.

More Information Isn't Bad News Right?

So 2 of my older sisters were having breast issues.  Both of them went in for procedures which essentially turned into them having biopsies.  Sister 1 Lynda has not gotten the results back, at least not that I know of.  Sister 2 Chelle did get her results back.  She has been diagnosed with Atypical Hyperplasia.

Atypical Hyperplasia, according to the Mayo clinic is a precancerous condition in the breast.  So, she doesn't have a breast cancer diagnosis, but it could turn into it if it is not taken care of.  For the time being she is not going to do anything.  She did go in to have the BRAC testing done to see if it is genetic.  If it is, then she will be getting a new set of boobs too.  We should know the results of it in 2 weeks.

So that leads to my next set of concerns.

All 3 of my older sisters have had hysterectomies due to several different issues.  One of the sisters actually had cervical cancer.  If that isn't scary enough, my mom had a full hysterectomy years ago due to tumors that didn't appear to be cancerous, and my little sister Holli had an ovary removed during pregnancy due to a cyst.

So if this test comes back positive and already knowing of the girly part issues that there is in the family, should I push to have a hysterectomy done?  The last thing that I need on top of the already devastating crap I am dealing with is to find out I have some kind of girly part cancer.

Then the question is, will the insurance cover it?  Will the doctor agree to it?  Would it be considered necessary or not?  I know I'm probably doing more worrying than I need to right now, but this is serious stuff that is hitting all at the same time.  Not that I really want a hysterectomy (while it would be nice to not have the witch visit), I don't want to do something that is not medically necessary.  I also don't want to take any chances.

I'm really not sure if I want to know the information or not.  I feel like it is opening Pandora's box, but on the other hand it may be great for preventative measures.

Plastic Surgeon Visit #2

So I met with Dr. Mess today.  She is the plastic surgeon who would do implants if I so chose that path.  She was absolutely wonderful and answered all the questions I had about implants and even answered new questions I had about the DIEP flap.

I asked her if I had enough fat in the momma pouch to give me the same size of breasts I already had.  Her answer was no.  So that leads to the decision that I made today.  I will be going with Dr. Mess to do my surgery and I will have implants put in.

She asked about what size I currently am, and I gave her the measurements that Victoria's Secrets gave me, which is a 36 D.  So after taking some pictures and measuring me, she came up with me being just shy of a D.  So I told her that I would like to be a full D when we are done.  She said that it was no big deal and a D is absolutely possible and would look very good.  That made me happy, as I refused to be anything less than what I currently am.  So I guess all of you would like to know when the surgery is to be done.

I have scheduled the surgery to be done on July 26th.  That will give me enough time to gather up caretakers so that I can be taken care of during my downtime.  I know I already have my mother in law and a couple of other people offer up their time, which is making this a little bit easier.

Essentially what they are going to do is do the double mastectomy and then put expanders in.  I'll have to go in and have them filled up so that the skin stretches out to the size that I want to be.  After that, I'll go back in and be opened up to put my real implants in.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to have the nipple reconstruction done or not.  I know that they will only be able to preserve the left nipple since that breast has not been messed with.  The right can't be saved.  I won't have any feeling in the remaining nipple and if a reconstruction was done on the right, there would be no feeling in that.  I also don't plan on having any more children that I would have to breast feed.  So really, what is the point in even having the nipples reconstructed?

I can have tattoos put where the nipples are to be and they would be 3D and would look like there were nipples there.  I could also do some other sort of tattoo there in place of the nipples.  Maybe I'll put some pretty pink daisies there.  Hell, who knows.  LOL!  Either way, that's the only other decision it seems that I need to make.

After sitting and talking to Dr. Mess and then talking to Andy about my decision, I can say that I am happy with it.  I'm sure that it'll be trying on me at times, especially when I am dealing with having the expanders in.
Overall though, I think I'm ready for this.  

Met Plastic Surgeon #1

Sorry I haven't been keeping up on the blog this week.  My family has been in crisis mode with other circumstances that I will not be discussing.  With that being said, here's the newest.

On Monday I had an appointment up at John Hopkins.  This is where I met Dr. Rosson.  He is the plastic surgeon who would do the DIEP flap procedure.  I think this appointment went fairly well.  I heard some things that I like and some things that I wasn't too fond of.

I was told that I am a great candidate for the DIEP flap.  So essentially, what that means is that my body ravaged from child-bearing has made me able to have this surgery done.  What they essentially will do is take all of the fat from my momma pouch and use it to reconstruct my boobs.  After that is removed, they will stretch the skin from my belly area down.  This will give me no more momma pouch and no waistline for awhile.  I will also have a scar that runs from hip to hip, but will be able to be hidden by my underwear.  I'm not really sure how I feel about that at this point.

The downside of this all is that I have to really start working on my core to help me recover faster.  So what does this really mean?  It means lots of planks and yoga and all that kind of stuff that I already don't like to do.  If I did most of the stuff that they want me to do to strengthen my core, then it's possible that I could flatten my stomach, and maybe even the momma pouch, which would then make the DIEP flap not necessary.  Maybe not.  I'm not really sure at this point.

So what I do know about the surgery at this point is that it will take 12 hours to do the surgery.  Pretty much 6 hours per breast.  It is extensive and I will have at least 1 drain tube on each breast and possibly 2 on each side of my waist.  This surgery is also inclusive of a 3 day hospital stay.

I've had a couple of people reach out to help be my caretakers while I am recovering.  That does make me feel a little bit better.  I just don't want to stretch them too thin though.  We'll just have to see how everything pans out.  I guess I am hoping that I won't need to have people take care of me for too long.  Maybe, just maybe I'll bounce back after a couple of weeks and be able to do stuff on my own.  I've never had a major surgery, so honestly, I have no clue.

I've never really been one to ask for help.  Sure, I like to have people to talk to in order to bounce things off of them when I have things rolling through my head, but I've never had to ask anyone to come take care of me.  This part sucks.  I guess this is also where I allow my pride to get in the way thinking that I can do it myself.  The problem with that is that I have taken care of everything myself for so long that I am finding it more difficult to do and find that I am seeing myself as a failure.

I guess I've had this view for so long that if I take care of others, everything will be butterflies, roses, rainbows and unicorns then they will come to my rescue when I need them.  Boy was I wrong!  Glad I am finding this out now instead of when I am actually down from surgery.

Anyhow, that's all that I have for ya'll today.  I have lots of catching up to do with my Biology classes.  Only 1 more week and I am completely done with the sciences.  Only 2 more years and I'll have that beautiful Bachelor's degree.  Hope ya'll have a beautiful and blessed Sunday.

Information Overload

Miss Vickie called me already.  I don't have an appointment set up with Dr. Jacobs as of yet since I will be seeing a plastic surgeon about the DIEP.  She gave me 2 different numbers I needed to call and set up appointments.  Whew....breathe...breathe....

My first call was to the plastic surgeon to set up a consult.  She is one of the doctors that will be working on me in addition to Dr. Jacobs.  So I have an appointment with her on Wednesday the 1st.

The second call was to John Hopkins to set up a consult with them for the plastic surgeon who does the actual DIEP and that one is on Monday at 8:45 in the morning.  Wanna know the best part?  It's in downtown Baltimore.  So I'm sure that leaving the house around 7:15ish is in my future, if not before then.  Oh joy, oh joy.  How did I get myself into this??  Anyone out there wanna tell me how long it would take me to get there during Monday rush hour??  I just have to hope that Andy can go with me, cause I don't drive in big cities with lots of 1 way streets, and this is not the kind of crap that I want to do alone.

Lots of paperwork.  Lots of doctors.  Lots of stress.  Lots of anxiety.  Lots of worry.  A whole lot of everything.  This feels like a horrifying roller-coaster, and frankly, I don't like roller-coasters, not even the kiddie ones.

Someone please wake me up when this is all over.  Really!

The MRI Results Are Back and....

...nothing is on them.  Which is a good sign.  It means that they don't see anything else.  At least at this point in this journey.  So, where do I go from here?

I'll be talking to Miss Vickie sometime today to schedule appointments to meet with plastic surgeons.  I figured that I would take the road that is more complicated at the beginning, but hopefully means that I won't have to deal with any of this stuff later on.  At the beginning of this journey I was presented with the options of a lumpectomy with radiation or the mastectomy.

If I were to do the lumpectomy with radiation, it would mean going in 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  Frankly, I don't have the support system here that I can even do this option.  With momma not being able to drive, Andy not being able to take that long off, and no second set of hands for momma to deal with the boys, I've chosen to go with the mastectomy, more specifically a double mastectomy.

Now some would probably ask me why I am choosing to undergo such an intensive surgery with hellacious recovery time.  As Dr. Jacobs pointed out to me, I have to do what is best for me and what is easiest to do at this point in time.  It is true that I don't have a support system with this option either, but it does give me the ability to stay at home and not have to run out every day for radiation.  The down side to this is going to be the recovery time.  I'm not entirely sure how long that will be since I haven't talked to the plastic surgeons yet, but I know it will be a little while since I am opting to do a DIEP flap.  At least that is what I've already settled on unless the plastic surgeon scares me too much.

Pretty much with a DIEP flap, they will go in and remove fat and tissue from my belly to build my new breasts from it.  This pretty much means that my breasts will be more like the ones I already have.  They'll be more natural as opposed to implants.

I guess I just don't want to be that lady walking around at 70ish years old and having the boobs of a 20 something.  The other downside with implants would be that I would have to have them replaced every 10 years.  I'm not really into the idea of having to get my chest cut into every 10 years.  When I get this done, I want it over and done with.

Now that's not to say that I won't have other surgeries, as I already know ahead of time that I will have to do 2 more.  One of them would be to reconstruct the nipple and then the other would be to tattoo on the areola.  In talking with my sister Lynda yesterday, she didn't know that they tattooed your boobs to make them more normal.  She then made the comment about asking if I could have something pretty tattooed there.  I honestly laughed about it.  Could you imagine me asking a doctor if I could just have lilies tattooed there?  LOL!  Right, I know you laughed.

Anyhow, what I understand from what Dr. Jacobs told me, the DIEP flap surgery will be done at the time the mastectomy is done.  So the surgery would more or less be about 8-12 hours with a minimum of a 3 day hospital stay.  I'm sure that once I talk to the plastic surgeons, there will be more information and better understanding of this.  So for now, that is all the information that I know.

Conflicted....Sort of

So I wake up to this rainy day and find myself conflicted.  I'm still sorta tired so I need some caffeine.  Do I drag myself downstairs to make a cup of coffee with the Kreurig, or do I just wait until later to pick up an iced coffee.  I really shouldn't do both.  I think that might be a bit too much caffeine for me.

I also kind of want some covered and smothered hashbrowns.  Maybe just maybe I can talk momma into making some for me.  Oooh, some over medium eggs with toast too so that I can dip it in my yolk.  Mmmm. Food.

Okay, those are my musings for this morning.

Some Random Ramblings

The sermon at church today was just beautiful.  I wish that Andy had gone with me so that he could have heard it.  Maybe it would have made him understand what I am asking of him as my husband.

The sermon was about when Jesus was asking Peter, "Do you love me?"  I think I spent most of the sermon focused on how it was broken down during children's moment.  Sorry Pastor Dave.  Anyhow, it was about how we know that someone loves us.  The children came up with answers such as: hugs, feeding you, talking to you, listening to you and smiling at you.  I know that those things sure can make a bad day seem a little bit better.

Now don't take this the wrong way.  I have no doubts that my husband loves me, it's just that he is not very good at showing it at all.  I guess I've focused too much on the times that he's not been there either physically or emotionally.  I guess that I just need to be reassured in my own way that he is in this with me and backing me up.

I know that I am not facing a terminal cancer, or anything close to it, but it is cancer.  It is scary.  I just want to know that when it comes to him that I am not alone.  Sometimes I wonder if asking that of him is just too much.  I don't really know.

I think one of the other things that scares me is the effects of the impending surgery.  I have had some serious image issues my whole life.  Guess that can't be avoided when people are so cruel to you growing up.  I'm still trying to work beyond all of the hurtful things that have been said to me for so long.  Then I think of this surgery and what it will take from me.  Sure, they can remove my breast and reconstruct it.  Some people may think, "At least you will have it replaced."  It won't be the same though, and I know that.  That seems to me that it will just feed into the things that I have been trying for so long to get past.  Hopefully, it won't knock me down too much.

Well, hopefully I'll have some kind of a real update for ya'll tomorrow.  With that being said, I'm gonna finish watching Fluffy (Gabriel Iglesias), tonight's episode of Army Wives and then hit the hay.  Hope ya'll have a great night.

You Learn a Whole Lot

When you find out bad news, you find out a lot about the people you associate yourself with.  I have a great support system around the world.  People who I've only known for a short time seem to reach out more than people I've known forever.  Guess that really shows me that people I have thought mattered for the longest time, don't really matter at all.  I guess I should be thankful that I am finally seeing their true colors.

The support I am seeing from my mommy friends whom I met when I was pregnant with Jackson is just amazing.  They are from so many different walks of life.  They come from all different families, backgrounds and professions.  To see that so many of them are willing to help me in any way they can just warms my heart.  Thank you so much ladies.  I hope you know that you mean the world to me!

One of the mostly unlikely friends I've had recently is Mike's step-mom.  Unless you know the history between us, this wouldn't seem too much like a big deal.  Really, to me it is a big deal.  Thank you so much Teri!  I'm glad that we have finally made it to this point.

I can't forget to mention my family.  I'm sure that they are all tired of hearing the things rolling in my head.  They are probably doing their own amount of worrying.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  So much more than you will ever know.  

With that said, I'm gonna hit the hay.  Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight so I can get myself up for church in the morning.  

It's Just One of Those Days

I still haven't heard anything back from Dr. Jacobs.  That kinda does bother me.  I'm sure that when I am meant to know what the MRI said, I will.  So for now, the ramblings for the day are just random things rolling through my head.

Nightmares suck.  I'm pretty darn tired, but everytime I lay down to sleep, the worst comes to me.  I wish I could just turn that part off.  I find myself staying up until I just pass out.  Trying to fall asleep on my own is just too hard at the moment.  Of course when I get beyond the nightmares, I sleep pretty good.  So what's the problem?  I'm waking up just before 8, regardless of what time I go to sleep.

I sometimes find myself getting discouraged over things in life.  Most of it is feeling alone, which I know is not true.  Just feels that way.  Then worrying about being selfish to take care of me, when I should be taking care of everyone else.  That is my purpose, right?  I should be taking care of the kids, taking care of Andy, taking care of momma, taking care of my schoolwork and everything else that happens to come my way.

I honestly worry about if I'll have all the help that I need to recover when I have the next surgery, or if I'll still be neglecting myself as I have done for so long.  Then I'm worried about if I am selfish and take care of me, I'm going to end up pissing people off because I can't do this or that.  It just feels like this is getting more and more complicated while I'm doing the hurry up and wait thing.

I've done so much reading up on what to expect, but sometimes I would just rather hear from someone else who is going through the same thing.  I decided to look around and see if there were any blogs that I could read and see how they coped with things.  Most of the blogs I have found thus far, the ladies have Stage 3 and Stage 4 cancer.  I start reading some of the things they are dealing with and then I feel like I'm just being a big baby about my cancer and that mine isn't nearly as important or scary.  Hell, even some of the articles that I have come across have even said that my kind of cancer isn't cancer at all.  Talk about that making me feel even shittier for feeling the way that I do.

Of course stuff like that is where I get angry too.  John Hopkins, who mind you is one of the top hospitals in the country and the 3rd overall for cancer treatment says that my cancer is cancer.  So reading such nonsense where people don't know what they are talking about, just pisses me off.

Okay, now I'm just rambling.  I'm gonna go and relax for a little bit, gather my thoughts a bit more, and come back to this in a little bit.  I hope that all of you are having a good day.

No News is Good News....Right?

I know that my MRI results were supposed to make it to Dr. Jacobs today.  Either she wasn't able to review them, reviewed them and all is fine, or they found more and don't want to tell me on the phone.  Either way, I'm sure they will call me and let me know what I need to know when they get a chance.

The scared part of me thinks that it is bad news and they want to give me a few days to digest the information already given to me so that they can give me more bad news.  The side of me that is fighting thinks that I've scared this cancer in my many cussing outs of it.  (*insert sarcasm*)  Yeah, right!  I'm sure that's it.

Andy and I had some time away from the house today.  We did some talking about how I'm feeling, where my mind is with all of this and what I want to do.  In these conversations, it appears that he has finally started processing some of the information.  I think the hardest part for him is that his analytical mind can't wrap around this.  He can't analyze the shit out of it and come up with a solution on his own.  Even if he could come up with the solution, he isn't the one that would be implementing the solution.

I love my husband dearly, but sometimes he can be such a control freak.  This is one of those things that he can't control.  I think that is something else that he has realized.  So, I can only imagine the fear that he has knowing that he has to give the control to Dr. Jacobs and the rest of my care staff to take care of this.  I remember the days where I had to have control of everything, and then how hard it was to give some of that up.  It really is a hard thing to deal with.  Of course when you add something like my cancer to the mix, that just makes it more difficult.

I've been told that my best friend wants to come out sometime in June.  I'm sure that there are a plethora of other people who would like to come out too.  Well, after talking to momma last night, I have made a decision.  There are 4 people right off of the top of my head that I would like to be here all at the same time.

My best friend Bru.  I've known him everyday of my life.  I pretty much say that he's my brother from another mother and father.  Rightfully so, that's what he is.  Bru is almost always the first to crack a joke.  He's the jelly to my peanut butter.  Again, that's another one of those things that you would have to know us to understand that.

My brother-in-law Danny.  Despite only being a few years younger than me, he can keep me on my toes and give me 10 kinds of shit over the smallest things.  Now yes, that may sound negative, but you would have to know Danny to understand.  He seems to bring out the best in Andy as well.  Danny with Andy is a one of a kind thing.  You'd have to see it to believe it.

My other best friend and rock Josh.  I've only known Josh for a year now, but when I met him, it felt like I had known him my entire life.  When things have been tough for me, he's never had a problem giving me one of the biggest hugs in the world that would make me feel like everything truly would be okay, or just answering his phone when I've just had enough and need to talk.  Of course he is also the person who could make me laugh through any emotion I had.

My very large little brother David.  I had just met David on the day he graduated high school.  I knew about him all of my life, but never did meet him until that day.  While there have been large gaps in the times that we have talked, he has always made sure that no matter what, he is there.  In some of the conversations that I have had with him, you would honestly think that he was older and wiser than me.

Now what would you get if you put these 4 guys in my house at the same time?  I would need a paddle and a pair of hip waders to get through all of the bullshit.  There would be so many fisheyed stories bein told that I would be hurting from laughing.  What I wonder is, if they all arrived at the same exact time, who would spew the first bit of bullshit?  Honestly, I'm not really sure, but I know that it would be fun.

So, for those of you I have listed, what say you?  Ya'll think that it can be arranged for all of ya'll to be here at the same time?  I don't have that many beds in my house, but it'll be summertime and we can set up a tent city in the backyard.  Now, what I won't promise is that Sammy Dog won't pee on your tent.  LOL!

Anyone else who thinks that this would be a hootin and hollarin fun time, feel free to join in if I can get it goin.  With that said, I think I'm gonna do some more research, watch my DVR'd soap opera and then hit the hay. Have a good nite ya'll.

Strength and Recognition from Beyond

For the last several months on the 11th of each month, I would find myself having terrible anxiety attacks.  These were not just the kind where you felt off-kilter.  These were the kind where you felt like you were having a heart attack and there was no relief until the anxiety was gone.  So what does this really have to do with my breast cancer and my war against it?  It actually has a lot to do with it.

On November 11th, 2012, I lost one of the greatest men I could have ever been blessed with in this lifetime. My Papaw was such a source of strength for me.  Growing up without a dad, he took on that role.  So when I buried him, I buried 2 people: My Papaw, and the man who stood in the place of my absent father.  Having taken on such a big and noble role, when he spoke, I knew I needed to listen.  As he always did in life, he would harp on you to get stuff done.  Don't believe it?  Ask any of my family members and they will tell you.  Papaw always had this belief that when a bill arrived in the mail, that bill should have been paid a week before it arrived.  Sometimes, we still joke about this as a lighthearted moment to remember him.  So how does my story about Papaw relate to my battle?  Well, this is how.

I didn't realize until I got my diagnosis, what exactly had been going on with those middle of the night/early morning anxiety attacks.  I figured that because of the date, it was just me hitting another date without Papaw and my grief just overwhelming me.  Little did I know, I was getting a message from Papaw about what I needed to do.

In the middle of having these attacks it wasn't just the horrific chest pain that bothered me, it was the fact that my right breast had so much pain radiating around it.  This is where I found myself praying a lot and having conversations with Papaw.  I'm sure anyone who would have drove or walked by at 2:30 am would have thought I was crazy with me sitting on the front porch bargaining with God and Papaw to make me feel better.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I would soon understand.

While talking with Dr. Jacobs upon getting my diagnosis, the light bulb finally clicked on.  Papaw was telling me that there was something wrong and it needed to be taken care of last week, like that bill you just received in the mail.  How could I be so sure this was the message from beyond that I received?  Well, I'll tell you how.

When I started seeing Dr. Jacobs and going through all of the stuff to find out what was going on with me, the 2:30 am, horrifying anxiety attacks stopped.  Yes, that means, when the 11th rolled around last month, I didn't find myself on my knees begging to feel better.  For the anxiety to stop.  For the pain to stop.  For relief.  I found myself at ease.  I was finally taking care of the very thing that Papaw was pointing out to me from the Heavens above.

So here I sit on the same night that I've had this recurring anxiety.  At this point in the night, I would be feeling the anxiety start to rise.  You know what's great?  It's not.  I feel like a wave of peace is washing over me.  Yes Papaw, I got your message, and I'm taking care of it right now.

Men Must Have Created These Machines

So I'm back home from the MRI.  I swear that men created these machines.  I did pretty good during the whole ordeal.  I was able to try and listen to some good country music while the machine made a very loud jackhammering noise.  Which by the way is annoying and is louder than the music.  Thus my statement about TRYING to listen to the music.

You know what is difficult?  Trying not to sing, dance or even move when Luke Bryan is singing about being Drunk on You.  Thankfully they didn't play Country Girl Shake it for Me.  I sure would have been fit to be tied and not been able to hold still.  Yes, see the humor in that.  I know you laughed, cause I sure did when I made that joke.

So the music was good, until Martina McBride's I'm Gonna Love You Through It came on.  At that point I was bawling my eyes out and trying to hold still.  That was not exactly the song I needed to hear while having this thing done.  I did manage to dry my tears without moving and finish the procedure.

I think the whole thing took about 35 minutes.  Not too bad other than feeling like I couldn't breathe, my neck hurting from having to hold still, having my boobs feel like they in a tanning bed while the rest of me was cold.  Despite all of the uncomfortable stuff I just described, I bounced back up with my kick ass attitude and went on my merry way.

I sure wish that when I looked at my copy of my images, I understood what I was looking at.  Hell, I can't even tell what is the right boob and what is the left boob.  Maybe I'm not supposed to understand them or maybe I'm just supposed to wait for Dr. Jacobs to tell me about them.  Either way, I'm not gonna sit and stew on them.  Cancer may have started this battle, but I'm gonna win this war.  Cancer sure won't know what hit it.

I'm gonna wrap this up until I have something else rolling around in my head.  Until then, know that I'm doing alright and there is nothing like living, laughing and loving, even the moments of chaos.

No, It Wasn't a Dream

So I wake up this morning and realize, the events of yesterday were not a dream.  More like a nightmare, but that's not it either.  This thing is real.  How real?  I'm sure that if I don't know more today from the MRI, I'll know it by early next week.

I've already made the decision of what I am going to do.  Anyone who knows me personally knows that I have spent most of my life fighting against things that were wrong.  Things that are so negative.

I have spent a lot of time with the why me's and why is this happening and poor pitty me and whatever else kind of feel sorry crap I could muster up.  Well, I know that the good Lord only gives you what you can handle.  I know, that no matter what goes on, I have HIM in my corner.  Oh, and don't forget that little bit of a Southern spitfire.

I really don't think this cancer knows who it started a fight with, but I'm already warning it, that it will have a new mudhole stomped in it's ass.

With all that said, I'm fixin to get ready to go get this MRI done.

The Journey has Begun

When I woke up yesterday morning, I was not prepared for the words that would rock me to my core.  

"You have cancer....."  Pretty much everything said to me after that was a blur.  So, lets go back to where my journey really started.

Three years ago I noticed I had some discharge from my right breast.  I wasn't overly concerned about it, but decided to schedule an appointment with my doctor.  After telling the doctor of the issues I was having, she told me that it was a typical side effect of the medicine I was on, but I should have a mammogram to be on the safe side.  I asked her what other reason she had for referring me for a mammogram, and she blatantly told me it was because I had a history of obesity.  Hold on.....WHAT?!?!  How dare you blame this issue on my weight.  Yes, according to the (*insert sarcasm*) beautiful BMI charts, I shouldn't weigh more than 125.  Well, I'm sorry, I am a mother of 4 children, and my body is not going to find it's way back to that weight.  Well, guess what Miss Smart Doctor...I am not going to have this done, and I didn't.

Shortly after ignoring the doctor, my husband and I got pregnant with our youngest son.  I was still having the discharge, but chalked it up to being because of the pregnancy.  After the birth of my son, it continued, but I was breastfeeding, so I ignored it again.  Eventually I stopped breastfeeding, so I expected the discharge to stop.  Well, it never did.

One morning last September, while living in Pensacola, I woke up to excruciating pain in my right breast.  Not only was the pain horrific, it was swollen, and the discharge had turned to blood.  I called a friend of mine to take me over to the Naval Hospital since my husband was in class.  Him and his wife sat with me in the ER all day long.  What was the diagnosis?  They said that it was Mastitis.  They gave me some pain meds, antibiotics and the advice that I should follow up with a doctor because they couldn't give me the necessary referrals due to the insurance I have.  Who knew TriCare Standard can't get a referral from a MTF?  Not this girl.

I went home from the ER thinking that everything would be fine once I started my meds.  Well, everything was fine.  The discharge started tapering off and was no longer bloody.  Okay, maybe I've had this Mastitis stuff since I had the baby, and it just wasn't being treated.

Fast forward to February this year.  I was taking a shower when I noticed something familiar.  Yes, the bloody discharge was back.  I had a friend go with me to the ER.  After sitting in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, I was able to be seen.  The ER doctor told me that they didn't have the diagnostic tools to do what I needed done, but he gave me a referral to a breast surgeon.

I called the breast surgeon's office to schedule my appointment.  Needless to say, this is where the whirlwind started.

The first week of March, I started out with a mammogram and an ultrasound.  Nothing showed up on those.  Okay, I can deal with that.  I still have to meet with Dr. Jacobs and hear what she has to say about the mammogram and ultrasound, but everything should be fine.  Afterall, those tests said that there was no cancer.

The second week of March, I meet with Dr. Jacobs and her nurse Miss Vickie.  I sure felt like I hit the jackpot with these 2.  While I was uncomfortable dealing with all of this stuff, they were great, and made sure to let me know that I could come to them with anything.  This appointment is where the worry started.  Dr. Jacobs examined me and came to the conclusion that I should have the ducts behind my nipple removed and a biopsy done just to rule out cancer.  If anything, the discharge would stop, thus making the nuisance go away.

March 26th, I went in for my surgery.  Everything seemed to have went fine.  Sure I was in a little bit of pain, but I was more hungry than anything.  So after I woke up from the surgery and was feeling okay, I headed off to eat.  Oh!  How wonderful food tasted.  I got home and just tried to relax as I was still feeling a bit out of it, but not too bad.  That was until the next day.

The next morning I woke up feeling like death.  Between the narcotic pain meds and the anesthetic trying to get out of my system, I was fit to be tied.  I pretty much stayed in bed all that day except for having to go to the bathroom to throw up.  Each day after that I was feeling better and better.

So last week, Miss Vickie called to check on me.  I told her I was doing alright and I would see her at my appointment on the 9th.  Nothing was said to me at that point, so I figured that all was well.  That was until I walked into Dr. Jacobs' office yesterday morning.

After examining my incision and having a bomb dropped on me, I met Dr. Jacobs in her office.  This is where she told me all about the cancer diagnosis, my prognosis and treatment options.  She explained where I needed to start.  "It all begins with the MRI that is scheduled for tomorrow.  With the lack of information from the mammogram and ultrasound, and the family history of breast cancer, we need this done.  We need to see if there is anything else."  All I could do was nod my head and wipe the tears that were rolling down my face.  Dr. Jacobs told me I could sit in her office as long as I needed, but that Miss Vickie would be in to talk to me too.  Dr. Jacobs walked out and no sooner she was out the door that Miss Vickie came in.  All I could feel were arms around me and the words, "You've got this.  You are going to beat this.  I will be with you every step of the way."  I never realized how comforting a nurse could be until that very moment.

Miss Vickie continued to talk to me until I calmed down enough to get myself home.  She assured me again that everything would be okay, and she would be calling me soon to schedule another appointment and surgery as soon as the results of the MRI are back.

So as I look at the clock, I realize I have to be at the imaging place in less than 8 hours.  So for now, I'm going to finish this blog up and hit the hay.