Information Overload

Miss Vickie called me already.  I don't have an appointment set up with Dr. Jacobs as of yet since I will be seeing a plastic surgeon about the DIEP.  She gave me 2 different numbers I needed to call and set up appointments.  Whew....breathe...breathe....

My first call was to the plastic surgeon to set up a consult.  She is one of the doctors that will be working on me in addition to Dr. Jacobs.  So I have an appointment with her on Wednesday the 1st.

The second call was to John Hopkins to set up a consult with them for the plastic surgeon who does the actual DIEP and that one is on Monday at 8:45 in the morning.  Wanna know the best part?  It's in downtown Baltimore.  So I'm sure that leaving the house around 7:15ish is in my future, if not before then.  Oh joy, oh joy.  How did I get myself into this??  Anyone out there wanna tell me how long it would take me to get there during Monday rush hour??  I just have to hope that Andy can go with me, cause I don't drive in big cities with lots of 1 way streets, and this is not the kind of crap that I want to do alone.

Lots of paperwork.  Lots of doctors.  Lots of stress.  Lots of anxiety.  Lots of worry.  A whole lot of everything.  This feels like a horrifying roller-coaster, and frankly, I don't like roller-coasters, not even the kiddie ones.

Someone please wake me up when this is all over.  Really!

The MRI Results Are Back and....

...nothing is on them.  Which is a good sign.  It means that they don't see anything else.  At least at this point in this journey.  So, where do I go from here?

I'll be talking to Miss Vickie sometime today to schedule appointments to meet with plastic surgeons.  I figured that I would take the road that is more complicated at the beginning, but hopefully means that I won't have to deal with any of this stuff later on.  At the beginning of this journey I was presented with the options of a lumpectomy with radiation or the mastectomy.

If I were to do the lumpectomy with radiation, it would mean going in 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  Frankly, I don't have the support system here that I can even do this option.  With momma not being able to drive, Andy not being able to take that long off, and no second set of hands for momma to deal with the boys, I've chosen to go with the mastectomy, more specifically a double mastectomy.

Now some would probably ask me why I am choosing to undergo such an intensive surgery with hellacious recovery time.  As Dr. Jacobs pointed out to me, I have to do what is best for me and what is easiest to do at this point in time.  It is true that I don't have a support system with this option either, but it does give me the ability to stay at home and not have to run out every day for radiation.  The down side to this is going to be the recovery time.  I'm not entirely sure how long that will be since I haven't talked to the plastic surgeons yet, but I know it will be a little while since I am opting to do a DIEP flap.  At least that is what I've already settled on unless the plastic surgeon scares me too much.

Pretty much with a DIEP flap, they will go in and remove fat and tissue from my belly to build my new breasts from it.  This pretty much means that my breasts will be more like the ones I already have.  They'll be more natural as opposed to implants.

I guess I just don't want to be that lady walking around at 70ish years old and having the boobs of a 20 something.  The other downside with implants would be that I would have to have them replaced every 10 years.  I'm not really into the idea of having to get my chest cut into every 10 years.  When I get this done, I want it over and done with.

Now that's not to say that I won't have other surgeries, as I already know ahead of time that I will have to do 2 more.  One of them would be to reconstruct the nipple and then the other would be to tattoo on the areola.  In talking with my sister Lynda yesterday, she didn't know that they tattooed your boobs to make them more normal.  She then made the comment about asking if I could have something pretty tattooed there.  I honestly laughed about it.  Could you imagine me asking a doctor if I could just have lilies tattooed there?  LOL!  Right, I know you laughed.

Anyhow, what I understand from what Dr. Jacobs told me, the DIEP flap surgery will be done at the time the mastectomy is done.  So the surgery would more or less be about 8-12 hours with a minimum of a 3 day hospital stay.  I'm sure that once I talk to the plastic surgeons, there will be more information and better understanding of this.  So for now, that is all the information that I know.

Conflicted....Sort of

So I wake up to this rainy day and find myself conflicted.  I'm still sorta tired so I need some caffeine.  Do I drag myself downstairs to make a cup of coffee with the Kreurig, or do I just wait until later to pick up an iced coffee.  I really shouldn't do both.  I think that might be a bit too much caffeine for me.

I also kind of want some covered and smothered hashbrowns.  Maybe just maybe I can talk momma into making some for me.  Oooh, some over medium eggs with toast too so that I can dip it in my yolk.  Mmmm. Food.

Okay, those are my musings for this morning.

Some Random Ramblings

The sermon at church today was just beautiful.  I wish that Andy had gone with me so that he could have heard it.  Maybe it would have made him understand what I am asking of him as my husband.

The sermon was about when Jesus was asking Peter, "Do you love me?"  I think I spent most of the sermon focused on how it was broken down during children's moment.  Sorry Pastor Dave.  Anyhow, it was about how we know that someone loves us.  The children came up with answers such as: hugs, feeding you, talking to you, listening to you and smiling at you.  I know that those things sure can make a bad day seem a little bit better.

Now don't take this the wrong way.  I have no doubts that my husband loves me, it's just that he is not very good at showing it at all.  I guess I've focused too much on the times that he's not been there either physically or emotionally.  I guess that I just need to be reassured in my own way that he is in this with me and backing me up.

I know that I am not facing a terminal cancer, or anything close to it, but it is cancer.  It is scary.  I just want to know that when it comes to him that I am not alone.  Sometimes I wonder if asking that of him is just too much.  I don't really know.

I think one of the other things that scares me is the effects of the impending surgery.  I have had some serious image issues my whole life.  Guess that can't be avoided when people are so cruel to you growing up.  I'm still trying to work beyond all of the hurtful things that have been said to me for so long.  Then I think of this surgery and what it will take from me.  Sure, they can remove my breast and reconstruct it.  Some people may think, "At least you will have it replaced."  It won't be the same though, and I know that.  That seems to me that it will just feed into the things that I have been trying for so long to get past.  Hopefully, it won't knock me down too much.

Well, hopefully I'll have some kind of a real update for ya'll tomorrow.  With that being said, I'm gonna finish watching Fluffy (Gabriel Iglesias), tonight's episode of Army Wives and then hit the hay.  Hope ya'll have a great night.

You Learn a Whole Lot

When you find out bad news, you find out a lot about the people you associate yourself with.  I have a great support system around the world.  People who I've only known for a short time seem to reach out more than people I've known forever.  Guess that really shows me that people I have thought mattered for the longest time, don't really matter at all.  I guess I should be thankful that I am finally seeing their true colors.

The support I am seeing from my mommy friends whom I met when I was pregnant with Jackson is just amazing.  They are from so many different walks of life.  They come from all different families, backgrounds and professions.  To see that so many of them are willing to help me in any way they can just warms my heart.  Thank you so much ladies.  I hope you know that you mean the world to me!

One of the mostly unlikely friends I've had recently is Mike's step-mom.  Unless you know the history between us, this wouldn't seem too much like a big deal.  Really, to me it is a big deal.  Thank you so much Teri!  I'm glad that we have finally made it to this point.

I can't forget to mention my family.  I'm sure that they are all tired of hearing the things rolling in my head.  They are probably doing their own amount of worrying.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  So much more than you will ever know.  

With that said, I'm gonna hit the hay.  Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight so I can get myself up for church in the morning.  

It's Just One of Those Days

I still haven't heard anything back from Dr. Jacobs.  That kinda does bother me.  I'm sure that when I am meant to know what the MRI said, I will.  So for now, the ramblings for the day are just random things rolling through my head.

Nightmares suck.  I'm pretty darn tired, but everytime I lay down to sleep, the worst comes to me.  I wish I could just turn that part off.  I find myself staying up until I just pass out.  Trying to fall asleep on my own is just too hard at the moment.  Of course when I get beyond the nightmares, I sleep pretty good.  So what's the problem?  I'm waking up just before 8, regardless of what time I go to sleep.

I sometimes find myself getting discouraged over things in life.  Most of it is feeling alone, which I know is not true.  Just feels that way.  Then worrying about being selfish to take care of me, when I should be taking care of everyone else.  That is my purpose, right?  I should be taking care of the kids, taking care of Andy, taking care of momma, taking care of my schoolwork and everything else that happens to come my way.

I honestly worry about if I'll have all the help that I need to recover when I have the next surgery, or if I'll still be neglecting myself as I have done for so long.  Then I'm worried about if I am selfish and take care of me, I'm going to end up pissing people off because I can't do this or that.  It just feels like this is getting more and more complicated while I'm doing the hurry up and wait thing.

I've done so much reading up on what to expect, but sometimes I would just rather hear from someone else who is going through the same thing.  I decided to look around and see if there were any blogs that I could read and see how they coped with things.  Most of the blogs I have found thus far, the ladies have Stage 3 and Stage 4 cancer.  I start reading some of the things they are dealing with and then I feel like I'm just being a big baby about my cancer and that mine isn't nearly as important or scary.  Hell, even some of the articles that I have come across have even said that my kind of cancer isn't cancer at all.  Talk about that making me feel even shittier for feeling the way that I do.

Of course stuff like that is where I get angry too.  John Hopkins, who mind you is one of the top hospitals in the country and the 3rd overall for cancer treatment says that my cancer is cancer.  So reading such nonsense where people don't know what they are talking about, just pisses me off.

Okay, now I'm just rambling.  I'm gonna go and relax for a little bit, gather my thoughts a bit more, and come back to this in a little bit.  I hope that all of you are having a good day.

No News is Good News....Right?

I know that my MRI results were supposed to make it to Dr. Jacobs today.  Either she wasn't able to review them, reviewed them and all is fine, or they found more and don't want to tell me on the phone.  Either way, I'm sure they will call me and let me know what I need to know when they get a chance.

The scared part of me thinks that it is bad news and they want to give me a few days to digest the information already given to me so that they can give me more bad news.  The side of me that is fighting thinks that I've scared this cancer in my many cussing outs of it.  (*insert sarcasm*)  Yeah, right!  I'm sure that's it.

Andy and I had some time away from the house today.  We did some talking about how I'm feeling, where my mind is with all of this and what I want to do.  In these conversations, it appears that he has finally started processing some of the information.  I think the hardest part for him is that his analytical mind can't wrap around this.  He can't analyze the shit out of it and come up with a solution on his own.  Even if he could come up with the solution, he isn't the one that would be implementing the solution.

I love my husband dearly, but sometimes he can be such a control freak.  This is one of those things that he can't control.  I think that is something else that he has realized.  So, I can only imagine the fear that he has knowing that he has to give the control to Dr. Jacobs and the rest of my care staff to take care of this.  I remember the days where I had to have control of everything, and then how hard it was to give some of that up.  It really is a hard thing to deal with.  Of course when you add something like my cancer to the mix, that just makes it more difficult.

I've been told that my best friend wants to come out sometime in June.  I'm sure that there are a plethora of other people who would like to come out too.  Well, after talking to momma last night, I have made a decision.  There are 4 people right off of the top of my head that I would like to be here all at the same time.

My best friend Bru.  I've known him everyday of my life.  I pretty much say that he's my brother from another mother and father.  Rightfully so, that's what he is.  Bru is almost always the first to crack a joke.  He's the jelly to my peanut butter.  Again, that's another one of those things that you would have to know us to understand that.

My brother-in-law Danny.  Despite only being a few years younger than me, he can keep me on my toes and give me 10 kinds of shit over the smallest things.  Now yes, that may sound negative, but you would have to know Danny to understand.  He seems to bring out the best in Andy as well.  Danny with Andy is a one of a kind thing.  You'd have to see it to believe it.

My other best friend and rock Josh.  I've only known Josh for a year now, but when I met him, it felt like I had known him my entire life.  When things have been tough for me, he's never had a problem giving me one of the biggest hugs in the world that would make me feel like everything truly would be okay, or just answering his phone when I've just had enough and need to talk.  Of course he is also the person who could make me laugh through any emotion I had.

My very large little brother David.  I had just met David on the day he graduated high school.  I knew about him all of my life, but never did meet him until that day.  While there have been large gaps in the times that we have talked, he has always made sure that no matter what, he is there.  In some of the conversations that I have had with him, you would honestly think that he was older and wiser than me.

Now what would you get if you put these 4 guys in my house at the same time?  I would need a paddle and a pair of hip waders to get through all of the bullshit.  There would be so many fisheyed stories bein told that I would be hurting from laughing.  What I wonder is, if they all arrived at the same exact time, who would spew the first bit of bullshit?  Honestly, I'm not really sure, but I know that it would be fun.

So, for those of you I have listed, what say you?  Ya'll think that it can be arranged for all of ya'll to be here at the same time?  I don't have that many beds in my house, but it'll be summertime and we can set up a tent city in the backyard.  Now, what I won't promise is that Sammy Dog won't pee on your tent.  LOL!

Anyone else who thinks that this would be a hootin and hollarin fun time, feel free to join in if I can get it goin.  With that said, I think I'm gonna do some more research, watch my DVR'd soap opera and then hit the hay. Have a good nite ya'll.

Strength and Recognition from Beyond

For the last several months on the 11th of each month, I would find myself having terrible anxiety attacks.  These were not just the kind where you felt off-kilter.  These were the kind where you felt like you were having a heart attack and there was no relief until the anxiety was gone.  So what does this really have to do with my breast cancer and my war against it?  It actually has a lot to do with it.

On November 11th, 2012, I lost one of the greatest men I could have ever been blessed with in this lifetime. My Papaw was such a source of strength for me.  Growing up without a dad, he took on that role.  So when I buried him, I buried 2 people: My Papaw, and the man who stood in the place of my absent father.  Having taken on such a big and noble role, when he spoke, I knew I needed to listen.  As he always did in life, he would harp on you to get stuff done.  Don't believe it?  Ask any of my family members and they will tell you.  Papaw always had this belief that when a bill arrived in the mail, that bill should have been paid a week before it arrived.  Sometimes, we still joke about this as a lighthearted moment to remember him.  So how does my story about Papaw relate to my battle?  Well, this is how.

I didn't realize until I got my diagnosis, what exactly had been going on with those middle of the night/early morning anxiety attacks.  I figured that because of the date, it was just me hitting another date without Papaw and my grief just overwhelming me.  Little did I know, I was getting a message from Papaw about what I needed to do.

In the middle of having these attacks it wasn't just the horrific chest pain that bothered me, it was the fact that my right breast had so much pain radiating around it.  This is where I found myself praying a lot and having conversations with Papaw.  I'm sure anyone who would have drove or walked by at 2:30 am would have thought I was crazy with me sitting on the front porch bargaining with God and Papaw to make me feel better.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I would soon understand.

While talking with Dr. Jacobs upon getting my diagnosis, the light bulb finally clicked on.  Papaw was telling me that there was something wrong and it needed to be taken care of last week, like that bill you just received in the mail.  How could I be so sure this was the message from beyond that I received?  Well, I'll tell you how.

When I started seeing Dr. Jacobs and going through all of the stuff to find out what was going on with me, the 2:30 am, horrifying anxiety attacks stopped.  Yes, that means, when the 11th rolled around last month, I didn't find myself on my knees begging to feel better.  For the anxiety to stop.  For the pain to stop.  For relief.  I found myself at ease.  I was finally taking care of the very thing that Papaw was pointing out to me from the Heavens above.

So here I sit on the same night that I've had this recurring anxiety.  At this point in the night, I would be feeling the anxiety start to rise.  You know what's great?  It's not.  I feel like a wave of peace is washing over me.  Yes Papaw, I got your message, and I'm taking care of it right now.

Men Must Have Created These Machines

So I'm back home from the MRI.  I swear that men created these machines.  I did pretty good during the whole ordeal.  I was able to try and listen to some good country music while the machine made a very loud jackhammering noise.  Which by the way is annoying and is louder than the music.  Thus my statement about TRYING to listen to the music.

You know what is difficult?  Trying not to sing, dance or even move when Luke Bryan is singing about being Drunk on You.  Thankfully they didn't play Country Girl Shake it for Me.  I sure would have been fit to be tied and not been able to hold still.  Yes, see the humor in that.  I know you laughed, cause I sure did when I made that joke.

So the music was good, until Martina McBride's I'm Gonna Love You Through It came on.  At that point I was bawling my eyes out and trying to hold still.  That was not exactly the song I needed to hear while having this thing done.  I did manage to dry my tears without moving and finish the procedure.

I think the whole thing took about 35 minutes.  Not too bad other than feeling like I couldn't breathe, my neck hurting from having to hold still, having my boobs feel like they in a tanning bed while the rest of me was cold.  Despite all of the uncomfortable stuff I just described, I bounced back up with my kick ass attitude and went on my merry way.

I sure wish that when I looked at my copy of my images, I understood what I was looking at.  Hell, I can't even tell what is the right boob and what is the left boob.  Maybe I'm not supposed to understand them or maybe I'm just supposed to wait for Dr. Jacobs to tell me about them.  Either way, I'm not gonna sit and stew on them.  Cancer may have started this battle, but I'm gonna win this war.  Cancer sure won't know what hit it.

I'm gonna wrap this up until I have something else rolling around in my head.  Until then, know that I'm doing alright and there is nothing like living, laughing and loving, even the moments of chaos.

No, It Wasn't a Dream

So I wake up this morning and realize, the events of yesterday were not a dream.  More like a nightmare, but that's not it either.  This thing is real.  How real?  I'm sure that if I don't know more today from the MRI, I'll know it by early next week.

I've already made the decision of what I am going to do.  Anyone who knows me personally knows that I have spent most of my life fighting against things that were wrong.  Things that are so negative.

I have spent a lot of time with the why me's and why is this happening and poor pitty me and whatever else kind of feel sorry crap I could muster up.  Well, I know that the good Lord only gives you what you can handle.  I know, that no matter what goes on, I have HIM in my corner.  Oh, and don't forget that little bit of a Southern spitfire.

I really don't think this cancer knows who it started a fight with, but I'm already warning it, that it will have a new mudhole stomped in it's ass.

With all that said, I'm fixin to get ready to go get this MRI done.

The Journey has Begun

When I woke up yesterday morning, I was not prepared for the words that would rock me to my core.  

"You have cancer....."  Pretty much everything said to me after that was a blur.  So, lets go back to where my journey really started.

Three years ago I noticed I had some discharge from my right breast.  I wasn't overly concerned about it, but decided to schedule an appointment with my doctor.  After telling the doctor of the issues I was having, she told me that it was a typical side effect of the medicine I was on, but I should have a mammogram to be on the safe side.  I asked her what other reason she had for referring me for a mammogram, and she blatantly told me it was because I had a history of obesity.  Hold on.....WHAT?!?!  How dare you blame this issue on my weight.  Yes, according to the (*insert sarcasm*) beautiful BMI charts, I shouldn't weigh more than 125.  Well, I'm sorry, I am a mother of 4 children, and my body is not going to find it's way back to that weight.  Well, guess what Miss Smart Doctor...I am not going to have this done, and I didn't.

Shortly after ignoring the doctor, my husband and I got pregnant with our youngest son.  I was still having the discharge, but chalked it up to being because of the pregnancy.  After the birth of my son, it continued, but I was breastfeeding, so I ignored it again.  Eventually I stopped breastfeeding, so I expected the discharge to stop.  Well, it never did.

One morning last September, while living in Pensacola, I woke up to excruciating pain in my right breast.  Not only was the pain horrific, it was swollen, and the discharge had turned to blood.  I called a friend of mine to take me over to the Naval Hospital since my husband was in class.  Him and his wife sat with me in the ER all day long.  What was the diagnosis?  They said that it was Mastitis.  They gave me some pain meds, antibiotics and the advice that I should follow up with a doctor because they couldn't give me the necessary referrals due to the insurance I have.  Who knew TriCare Standard can't get a referral from a MTF?  Not this girl.

I went home from the ER thinking that everything would be fine once I started my meds.  Well, everything was fine.  The discharge started tapering off and was no longer bloody.  Okay, maybe I've had this Mastitis stuff since I had the baby, and it just wasn't being treated.

Fast forward to February this year.  I was taking a shower when I noticed something familiar.  Yes, the bloody discharge was back.  I had a friend go with me to the ER.  After sitting in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, I was able to be seen.  The ER doctor told me that they didn't have the diagnostic tools to do what I needed done, but he gave me a referral to a breast surgeon.

I called the breast surgeon's office to schedule my appointment.  Needless to say, this is where the whirlwind started.

The first week of March, I started out with a mammogram and an ultrasound.  Nothing showed up on those.  Okay, I can deal with that.  I still have to meet with Dr. Jacobs and hear what she has to say about the mammogram and ultrasound, but everything should be fine.  Afterall, those tests said that there was no cancer.

The second week of March, I meet with Dr. Jacobs and her nurse Miss Vickie.  I sure felt like I hit the jackpot with these 2.  While I was uncomfortable dealing with all of this stuff, they were great, and made sure to let me know that I could come to them with anything.  This appointment is where the worry started.  Dr. Jacobs examined me and came to the conclusion that I should have the ducts behind my nipple removed and a biopsy done just to rule out cancer.  If anything, the discharge would stop, thus making the nuisance go away.

March 26th, I went in for my surgery.  Everything seemed to have went fine.  Sure I was in a little bit of pain, but I was more hungry than anything.  So after I woke up from the surgery and was feeling okay, I headed off to eat.  Oh!  How wonderful food tasted.  I got home and just tried to relax as I was still feeling a bit out of it, but not too bad.  That was until the next day.

The next morning I woke up feeling like death.  Between the narcotic pain meds and the anesthetic trying to get out of my system, I was fit to be tied.  I pretty much stayed in bed all that day except for having to go to the bathroom to throw up.  Each day after that I was feeling better and better.

So last week, Miss Vickie called to check on me.  I told her I was doing alright and I would see her at my appointment on the 9th.  Nothing was said to me at that point, so I figured that all was well.  That was until I walked into Dr. Jacobs' office yesterday morning.

After examining my incision and having a bomb dropped on me, I met Dr. Jacobs in her office.  This is where she told me all about the cancer diagnosis, my prognosis and treatment options.  She explained where I needed to start.  "It all begins with the MRI that is scheduled for tomorrow.  With the lack of information from the mammogram and ultrasound, and the family history of breast cancer, we need this done.  We need to see if there is anything else."  All I could do was nod my head and wipe the tears that were rolling down my face.  Dr. Jacobs told me I could sit in her office as long as I needed, but that Miss Vickie would be in to talk to me too.  Dr. Jacobs walked out and no sooner she was out the door that Miss Vickie came in.  All I could feel were arms around me and the words, "You've got this.  You are going to beat this.  I will be with you every step of the way."  I never realized how comforting a nurse could be until that very moment.

Miss Vickie continued to talk to me until I calmed down enough to get myself home.  She assured me again that everything would be okay, and she would be calling me soon to schedule another appointment and surgery as soon as the results of the MRI are back.

So as I look at the clock, I realize I have to be at the imaging place in less than 8 hours.  So for now, I'm going to finish this blog up and hit the hay.