First I will start with the update on my sister. If you haven't been following me the whole time, then this information will be helpful to you. My sister Michelle was diagnosed with atypical hyperplasia. Basically, she had pre-cancerous cells. So, she chose to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy done. While I am 3 weeks ahead of her in this journey, we are able to go through it with each other.
She finally had her drain tubes removed yesterday, after having them in for over a week. Then you put the other stuff that she has told me about her doctors, I just want to go pick her up from Ohio and bring her out here and let my care team take care of her. So anyhow, they still are going to wait another 2 weeks before they start pumping her up. Okay then.....
When they removed her left breast (which is the one she was having issues with), they found that she was a ticking time bomb. She was full of those pre-cancerous cells. Thank you God for letting my own breast issues warrant my sister to check herself. I've been told that I helped to save her life. That's a good feeling, but I also just wanted to make sure that my sisters were to take care of themselves and listen to their bodies.
Now, the reminder to you all.
This morning I woke up to a post on Facebook that I was tagged in. I'm not going to go into detail as I don't want to violate the privacy of this person, but she is having issues that I remember started before my journey really started. I don't want to scare her, but I also don't want her to ignore things.
So, if you feel like something is off, go have it checked out. If you still think that something isn't right even when the doctor says you are fine, get a 2nd opinion. I was never really good at doing that until this happened to me. Oh, and another word of advice STOP GOOGLING symptoms. You'll end up driving yourself crazy and diagnosing yourself with stuff that is not even remotely close. Yes, I did the whole Google thing and scared myself. Even now Dr. Mess and Renee tell me to stop Googling and just let it go or ask them about it. So that is my advice for the day.
One more thing that I just realized....I am 1 month and 1 day post op and the cancer cells have been removed from me. However, since there is no 100% cancer free given until the 5 year mark, I will gladly count each of these months until that 5 year mark.
I hope each of you have a beautiful and blessed day and thank you for loving me through it.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
I'm Such a Slacker....Lots of Updates
Okay, so I have been slacking, but I do have some pretty good stories for the last week. So buckle up and get ready for this ride.
On the 21st I went in and had 110cc put in each side, this was the day after I had those horrid muscle spasms. I had my friend Suzy go in with me to this appointment. While I never look down during injections, Suzy did watch. She seemed thrilled with how she could see the boobs puffing up during the injections. With the 110cc put in, that puts me at 590cc total. That number may change depending on if Dr. Mess had put any saline in on the day of the surgery. According to my nurse Renee, I will probably be inflated to 800-850cc before we are done with expanding. YAY!! It is normal to over expand as they need the extra skin for the switchout.
Well, I thought the muscle spasms I had before were bad. I was wrong. That night the muscle spasms had me screaming and writhing in pain. I was able to get myself out of bed and crawl to momma's room to get her up. I was absolutely terrified of how bad the pain was. I ended up sitting up with her until about 7am the next morning. I drugged myself up and went back to bed. I've had a few nights that have sucked, but not nearly as bad as that night.
The next day I had to go to Freshman Orientation for Mike. Talk about a reality check. Then of course you add my pain on top of it, I did not want to be there and going on a tour of the school and listening to rambling. That may not be what it was, but that's what it felt like when I was there. I did suck it up and "soldier" on and go though. That's my job as mom.
Oh, did I mention in a previous blog, as I am pretty out of it right now and feeling like crap, Mike made the JV football team. Talk about another proud mom moment there. I was neglecting myself by not taking my needed meds to make sure that he was getting to his practices and such. I wasn't going to punish him for my illness. Another one of those that's my job things.
Then it seemed as though an angel dropped out of the sky. One of Mike's teammates said that he could ride home with them. They literally live around the corner from us. This was such a big help. Even the teammate's mom told me I need to be taking care of me and that if I needed anything, just to let her know. So now I don't have to worry about whether I can get Mike to and from practice if Andy isn't home.
Okay, so back to the reconstruction stuff. I have set the date for my switch out. October 25th I will be going back in and having my implants put in and some fat grafting done. The fat grafting is to make sure that they look normal instead of the whole Pam Anderson look that people relate to implants. I am looking forward to that date simply because that means I am one step closer to being done with this process.
If you look at the pictures on the other tab above, you'll see the progress. You might notice that one side looks different than the other. Not only in size, but in shape. The reason for this is because the muscle shifted and caused the expander to shift. This is common, so don't be alarmed. At this point I'm not. As long as they look normal when done.
Last week, I received a package in the mail from one of my mommy friends. She made me a beautiful necklace to represent my journey. She makes hand-stamped jewelry. Check her out if you get a chance. She is a work at home mom. You can find her store at www.etsy.com/shop/memorylanejewelry Again, I cried for the kindness and the thought to do something so wonderful for me. I truly feel as though I don't deserve as many blessings as I have had through this journey.
Today was an accomplished day. I got the big kid up for his first day of Freshman year. Yes, I was "that" mom and took a picture as he was headed out. Then I gave him a hug. Then I promptly started crying as this is my big baby and he is growing up so fast. Then we had the conference to meet Landen's teacher today. Yep, my 2nd baby is headed to Pre-K. Where has the time gone? Let's not forget the 2 hour trip to the grocery and then putting it all away. So I am pretty beat.
I'll try and update after my next set of injections on Wednesday, but with the pain, my classes starting back up and Mike's football, I am finding life to be pretty hectic. Please forgive me if I don't keep up nearly as much these days. I will do as I can. Don't forget to check out the pics section if you are following that, to see the last updates there.
On the 21st I went in and had 110cc put in each side, this was the day after I had those horrid muscle spasms. I had my friend Suzy go in with me to this appointment. While I never look down during injections, Suzy did watch. She seemed thrilled with how she could see the boobs puffing up during the injections. With the 110cc put in, that puts me at 590cc total. That number may change depending on if Dr. Mess had put any saline in on the day of the surgery. According to my nurse Renee, I will probably be inflated to 800-850cc before we are done with expanding. YAY!! It is normal to over expand as they need the extra skin for the switchout.
Well, I thought the muscle spasms I had before were bad. I was wrong. That night the muscle spasms had me screaming and writhing in pain. I was able to get myself out of bed and crawl to momma's room to get her up. I was absolutely terrified of how bad the pain was. I ended up sitting up with her until about 7am the next morning. I drugged myself up and went back to bed. I've had a few nights that have sucked, but not nearly as bad as that night.
The next day I had to go to Freshman Orientation for Mike. Talk about a reality check. Then of course you add my pain on top of it, I did not want to be there and going on a tour of the school and listening to rambling. That may not be what it was, but that's what it felt like when I was there. I did suck it up and "soldier" on and go though. That's my job as mom.
Oh, did I mention in a previous blog, as I am pretty out of it right now and feeling like crap, Mike made the JV football team. Talk about another proud mom moment there. I was neglecting myself by not taking my needed meds to make sure that he was getting to his practices and such. I wasn't going to punish him for my illness. Another one of those that's my job things.
Then it seemed as though an angel dropped out of the sky. One of Mike's teammates said that he could ride home with them. They literally live around the corner from us. This was such a big help. Even the teammate's mom told me I need to be taking care of me and that if I needed anything, just to let her know. So now I don't have to worry about whether I can get Mike to and from practice if Andy isn't home.
Okay, so back to the reconstruction stuff. I have set the date for my switch out. October 25th I will be going back in and having my implants put in and some fat grafting done. The fat grafting is to make sure that they look normal instead of the whole Pam Anderson look that people relate to implants. I am looking forward to that date simply because that means I am one step closer to being done with this process.
If you look at the pictures on the other tab above, you'll see the progress. You might notice that one side looks different than the other. Not only in size, but in shape. The reason for this is because the muscle shifted and caused the expander to shift. This is common, so don't be alarmed. At this point I'm not. As long as they look normal when done.
Last week, I received a package in the mail from one of my mommy friends. She made me a beautiful necklace to represent my journey. She makes hand-stamped jewelry. Check her out if you get a chance. She is a work at home mom. You can find her store at www.etsy.com/shop/memorylanejewelry Again, I cried for the kindness and the thought to do something so wonderful for me. I truly feel as though I don't deserve as many blessings as I have had through this journey.
Today was an accomplished day. I got the big kid up for his first day of Freshman year. Yes, I was "that" mom and took a picture as he was headed out. Then I gave him a hug. Then I promptly started crying as this is my big baby and he is growing up so fast. Then we had the conference to meet Landen's teacher today. Yep, my 2nd baby is headed to Pre-K. Where has the time gone? Let's not forget the 2 hour trip to the grocery and then putting it all away. So I am pretty beat.
I'll try and update after my next set of injections on Wednesday, but with the pain, my classes starting back up and Mike's football, I am finding life to be pretty hectic. Please forgive me if I don't keep up nearly as much these days. I will do as I can. Don't forget to check out the pics section if you are following that, to see the last updates there.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Muscle Spasms Suck
All this week I have had horrid muscle spasms. If I could compare them to anything, they feel like labor pains, but in my chest.
I didn't sign up for this shitty part of this. I just wanna know when this pain is going to stop.
I find I am waking up at about 3:30 in the morning when I have them and it takes til about 6:30 to feel any relief, even after drugging myself.
Someone please tell me this doesn't continue to happen after the reconstruction is done. This sucks terribly and I don't know how much more I can take of it.
God please take this pain away.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
More Than Appreciative...and Then Some
I have this set of ladies that I met back in November 2010. We were all pregnant and due in July 2011. So that was the commonality that we all had......that we knew of. During our time of getting to know each other, that's when we realized that we were the most awesome set of ladies out there.
The majority of the core ones have stayed with us all this time. We have been through so much together. We have had new babies born. We have had arguments. We have leaned on each other in times that we have needed each other. For nearly 3 years, these ladies have been an important part of my life and have been there for me through some of the most horrible things that can happen.
So how do these ladies play into any of this? Well, this is how.
Yesterday I went out to check the mail as usual. Over the last couple of weeks I have been getting random cards in the mail from these ladies. I've gotten cards from my pastor and cards from some of the church family. So anyway, I get to the mailbox and find junk mail there. Hey! At least it isn't bills right?
I came back in the house and shut the door behind me only to be stopped by my doorbell. (Which of course makes Perry our dog go nutso and act like an idiot.) I turn around and open the door to find a box that was from one of the ladies. I started crying at that point. Little did I know that the crying was not over.
I open up the box to find random things to keep me busy while I am in between my medically induced naps. Of course in the style of Katie, who is my Floridian, and who's name was on the package, I find myself with a package of cards that have the Florida Gator on them. Now I know that she isn't the only one who likes to rub the Gators in to me. So I knew a couple of them came up with it. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love college football, but I bleed Buckeye Scarlet and Gray. While living in Florida, I did find a little part of my heart that can like the Gators, but only if they aren't playing my Buckeyes.
Anyhow, I'm still crying but laughing a bit at the sentiment of the cards. Then I find the greeting card. The front of it presented to me that it was going to be quite interesting. If ya'll are interested in seeing it, I will take a pic and post it with this blog. The card made me laugh through the tears. Then I see what was folded up in the card. Upon opening it and just reading a couple of lines, I was bawling hysterically. My mom and son couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. That's when I handed them this paper that was folded up.
These ladies, 55 of them, 2 of whom I have only met face to face, got together behind my back and arranged for me to have a day at the spa. Something I have never had and something that I have always dreamed of having. Needless to say, I couldn't stop myself from crying. To think that these 55 ladies thought enough of me to pull together to do this for me. Even as I write this it makes me tear up.
For so many years in my life I felt like no one cared about me, and those who acted like they did, really didn't. I think I know better now. I have a few that I know are genuine, but the most prominent are these ladies who have some of the most genuine hearts that I would swear are made of gold and are most definitely worth more than their weight in gold.
When I would watch the video to Martina McBride's "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" I would think of some people in my lives, but these ladies seemed to be the ones who stuck out the most to me. Even more so now. It's not even the gift that mattered. Each and every day when I have a pain that hurts me, days that I look in the mirror and hate what I see, days that everything else in my life is going wrong, they have been there.
For all of those times I am so blessed and couldn't have asked for more. This iced my cake and showed me how much these ladies care for me. So for each and every one of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love each and every one of you. (Even the really kinky ones who keep my days interesting. You know who you are.) Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me through it.
The majority of the core ones have stayed with us all this time. We have been through so much together. We have had new babies born. We have had arguments. We have leaned on each other in times that we have needed each other. For nearly 3 years, these ladies have been an important part of my life and have been there for me through some of the most horrible things that can happen.
So how do these ladies play into any of this? Well, this is how.
Yesterday I went out to check the mail as usual. Over the last couple of weeks I have been getting random cards in the mail from these ladies. I've gotten cards from my pastor and cards from some of the church family. So anyway, I get to the mailbox and find junk mail there. Hey! At least it isn't bills right?
I came back in the house and shut the door behind me only to be stopped by my doorbell. (Which of course makes Perry our dog go nutso and act like an idiot.) I turn around and open the door to find a box that was from one of the ladies. I started crying at that point. Little did I know that the crying was not over.
I open up the box to find random things to keep me busy while I am in between my medically induced naps. Of course in the style of Katie, who is my Floridian, and who's name was on the package, I find myself with a package of cards that have the Florida Gator on them. Now I know that she isn't the only one who likes to rub the Gators in to me. So I knew a couple of them came up with it. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love college football, but I bleed Buckeye Scarlet and Gray. While living in Florida, I did find a little part of my heart that can like the Gators, but only if they aren't playing my Buckeyes.
Anyhow, I'm still crying but laughing a bit at the sentiment of the cards. Then I find the greeting card. The front of it presented to me that it was going to be quite interesting. If ya'll are interested in seeing it, I will take a pic and post it with this blog. The card made me laugh through the tears. Then I see what was folded up in the card. Upon opening it and just reading a couple of lines, I was bawling hysterically. My mom and son couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. That's when I handed them this paper that was folded up.
These ladies, 55 of them, 2 of whom I have only met face to face, got together behind my back and arranged for me to have a day at the spa. Something I have never had and something that I have always dreamed of having. Needless to say, I couldn't stop myself from crying. To think that these 55 ladies thought enough of me to pull together to do this for me. Even as I write this it makes me tear up.
For so many years in my life I felt like no one cared about me, and those who acted like they did, really didn't. I think I know better now. I have a few that I know are genuine, but the most prominent are these ladies who have some of the most genuine hearts that I would swear are made of gold and are most definitely worth more than their weight in gold.
When I would watch the video to Martina McBride's "I'm Gonna Love You Through It" I would think of some people in my lives, but these ladies seemed to be the ones who stuck out the most to me. Even more so now. It's not even the gift that mattered. Each and every day when I have a pain that hurts me, days that I look in the mirror and hate what I see, days that everything else in my life is going wrong, they have been there.
For all of those times I am so blessed and couldn't have asked for more. This iced my cake and showed me how much these ladies care for me. So for each and every one of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love each and every one of you. (Even the really kinky ones who keep my days interesting. You know who you are.) Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me through it.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Pump Me Up Version 2
I ended up having some fluid build up that was concerning me. So instead of waiting for Dr. Mess to get me in on Monday, she got me into the office on Saturday morning. That's one hell of a Dr. if you ask me.
The swelling on the right was not nearly as bad as it appeared the night before and she wasn't able to get any more than 20cc of fluid out of it, but still could feel some in there. She told me just to put the surgical bra back on and hope that it would reabsorb. If not, we will try and remove some more on Thursday. She just didn't want to risk hitting my expander and having to start over because of puncturing it trying to get the fluid.
For some reason the swelling on the left was worse, but sure didn't feel like it. She ended up pulling 60cc of fluid off of that side. Dr. Mess figured that we probably wouldn't have to worry about fluid after the appointment this week.
While I saw her on Saturday, she did end up giving me my injections. So I got 120cc more in each side, which means I am now up to a B cup. I'm not flat chested anymore. And.....if I feel like putting on one of my bras, I actually look like my boobs look nice, just not as big as normal. I'm okay with that for now.
For those of you who want to see the new pics, you can find them on the page with all of the other pictures.
This morning was awful though. I woke up with the most horrendous muscle spasms in my chest. I couldn't even lift up to try and get my meds. I started crying which was hard to do with the pain, and then started begging for my meds. Andy was able to lift me up, get my meds and lay me back down.
I found that laying down with the spasms only made them worse. So I decided to get up and go hang out with mom outside. I was feeling much better, and the spasms let up on me.....that was until I stood up to do anything. :-(
Enough time had passed that I was finally able to take more meds and get a good nap in. Most of the pain has subsided, but I still am tender. I just hope that this pain subsides completely by Thursday that way I can get my other 120cc to get me up to a C.
I just want to get to the point where I can go get these terrible expanders out and put my nice new implants in. That will just mean that this journey will be closer to an end and I can move on to other journeys in my life.
The swelling on the right was not nearly as bad as it appeared the night before and she wasn't able to get any more than 20cc of fluid out of it, but still could feel some in there. She told me just to put the surgical bra back on and hope that it would reabsorb. If not, we will try and remove some more on Thursday. She just didn't want to risk hitting my expander and having to start over because of puncturing it trying to get the fluid.
For some reason the swelling on the left was worse, but sure didn't feel like it. She ended up pulling 60cc of fluid off of that side. Dr. Mess figured that we probably wouldn't have to worry about fluid after the appointment this week.
While I saw her on Saturday, she did end up giving me my injections. So I got 120cc more in each side, which means I am now up to a B cup. I'm not flat chested anymore. And.....if I feel like putting on one of my bras, I actually look like my boobs look nice, just not as big as normal. I'm okay with that for now.
For those of you who want to see the new pics, you can find them on the page with all of the other pictures.
This morning was awful though. I woke up with the most horrendous muscle spasms in my chest. I couldn't even lift up to try and get my meds. I started crying which was hard to do with the pain, and then started begging for my meds. Andy was able to lift me up, get my meds and lay me back down.
I found that laying down with the spasms only made them worse. So I decided to get up and go hang out with mom outside. I was feeling much better, and the spasms let up on me.....that was until I stood up to do anything. :-(
Enough time had passed that I was finally able to take more meds and get a good nap in. Most of the pain has subsided, but I still am tender. I just hope that this pain subsides completely by Thursday that way I can get my other 120cc to get me up to a C.
I just want to get to the point where I can go get these terrible expanders out and put my nice new implants in. That will just mean that this journey will be closer to an end and I can move on to other journeys in my life.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Owwies!
So I am sitting here wrapped up with 2 bandage wraps to try and get the fluid in the "side boob" to go down. Did I mention that I am wrapped so tight that I am having a heck of a time breathing? LOL!
Anyhow, just a little note, I've been feeling like mangled dog turds today. Emotionally and physically. So because I was feeling as such I called Dr. Jacobs and Dr. Mess to find out what I was supposed to do about the pain of the fluid. Dr. Jacobs told me to wrap myself up with a couple of Ace Bandages to try and get the fluid to just reabsorb itself. Dr. Mess finally called me back and is graciously bringing me in tomorrow to drain this crap.
Alleluia! I will be so thankful when my armpits don't feel like they are being rubbed raw and I am able to breathe again. Anyhow, eyeballs are getting tired so I'm headed off to bed.
Much love to all of you that are loving me through it.
Anyhow, just a little note, I've been feeling like mangled dog turds today. Emotionally and physically. So because I was feeling as such I called Dr. Jacobs and Dr. Mess to find out what I was supposed to do about the pain of the fluid. Dr. Jacobs told me to wrap myself up with a couple of Ace Bandages to try and get the fluid to just reabsorb itself. Dr. Mess finally called me back and is graciously bringing me in tomorrow to drain this crap.
Alleluia! I will be so thankful when my armpits don't feel like they are being rubbed raw and I am able to breathe again. Anyhow, eyeballs are getting tired so I'm headed off to bed.
Much love to all of you that are loving me through it.
Is It Really That Bad??
So I keep getting told by people that I need to accept that this has happened to me. I'm not sure that I am ready for that part yet. I'm angry that my body turned against itself and that I have to bear the burden of the scars.
I'm supposed to just get over the hurt whether it be physical or emotional. Not as easily done as it is said. Especially when the person who is telling me to get over it won't touch the wounds which don't hurt, and he won't even look at them.
Remember when I said I was afraid of repulsing him? Well, I think this is the crossroad that we are at now.
I'm supposed to just get over the hurt whether it be physical or emotional. Not as easily done as it is said. Especially when the person who is telling me to get over it won't touch the wounds which don't hurt, and he won't even look at them.
Remember when I said I was afraid of repulsing him? Well, I think this is the crossroad that we are at now.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
And the Award Goes to....
ME!! I had my appointment with Dr. Jacobs today. The pathology report came back.....
I made the right choice in doing the mastectomy. The tumor was at least 3cm on the longest part of it, which is a large amount in comparison when it comes to boobs. Then you have to think about having to make sure that there is a 2mm margin between where the tumor was and where the good tissue is. If I had chosen the lumpectomy, I would have practically had no boob left on the right side.
The left breast showed no signs of cancer whatsoever, but was taken as a preventative measure and while I am still having issues with looking at it, I know that I did the right thing. At least I think so.
During the mastectomy, Dr. Jacobs removed 3 nodes. I wasn't really sure what the purpose of that was, but it was basically to see if the cancer had spread. Guess what?? It didn't!!!
So the whole point of this post and how great life is, is this: I AM CANCER FREE!! There is no reason for me to do chemo, radiation or any kind of hormonal therapy. I am done with seeing Dr. Jacobs until next year. That is more just to check how the reconstruction looks and to check in on me. After that, I only have to be checked by her every 5 years.
Now, there is a down side to all of this. With not having the several appointments with Dr. Jacobs, I don't get to see my angel of a nurse Miss Vickie. That makes me sad. I will tell you this though, I will find a way to keep up with her no matter what. Her smiling face, humor, personality and just her compassion for people has made her one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am ever so grateful for her and the fact that she helped to make the cancer part of this journey so much easier for me.
Miss Vickie, If you happen to stumble upon this blog, I want you to know how appreciative of you that I am. Thank you for being you and being so caring. I promise I will forever be your lil cornbread.
So tonight, I will leave you with this. Here is the pic that Andy took of me and Miss Vickie this morning.
I made the right choice in doing the mastectomy. The tumor was at least 3cm on the longest part of it, which is a large amount in comparison when it comes to boobs. Then you have to think about having to make sure that there is a 2mm margin between where the tumor was and where the good tissue is. If I had chosen the lumpectomy, I would have practically had no boob left on the right side.
The left breast showed no signs of cancer whatsoever, but was taken as a preventative measure and while I am still having issues with looking at it, I know that I did the right thing. At least I think so.
During the mastectomy, Dr. Jacobs removed 3 nodes. I wasn't really sure what the purpose of that was, but it was basically to see if the cancer had spread. Guess what?? It didn't!!!
So the whole point of this post and how great life is, is this: I AM CANCER FREE!! There is no reason for me to do chemo, radiation or any kind of hormonal therapy. I am done with seeing Dr. Jacobs until next year. That is more just to check how the reconstruction looks and to check in on me. After that, I only have to be checked by her every 5 years.
Now, there is a down side to all of this. With not having the several appointments with Dr. Jacobs, I don't get to see my angel of a nurse Miss Vickie. That makes me sad. I will tell you this though, I will find a way to keep up with her no matter what. Her smiling face, humor, personality and just her compassion for people has made her one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am ever so grateful for her and the fact that she helped to make the cancer part of this journey so much easier for me.
Miss Vickie, If you happen to stumble upon this blog, I want you to know how appreciative of you that I am. Thank you for being you and being so caring. I promise I will forever be your lil cornbread.
So tonight, I will leave you with this. Here is the pic that Andy took of me and Miss Vickie this morning.
I'm Going to Pump You Up....
So yesterday I went and saw Dr. Mess. I wasn't sure what the appointment was other than to just check me over. Well, I was getting my first injections. Yes, I sure was excited. I was doing the whole sitting down happy dance and hooping and hollaring. That was until she stuck me with the needle to put the saline in the expanders.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! This sucks. That's exactly what I was saying. Dr. Mess had to remind me to breathe cause all I could think was to hold my breath and maybe that would hold off the pain. Yeah, no bueno. That didn't work for me.
She did notice that I had some fluid under the armpit, or the side boob as some would call it. She ended up poking around and pulling 50cc out of the right side after she had done my saline injection.
Switch to the left side and that didn't hurt as bad. Felt pretty normal. Was doing fine and wasn't cussing about how bad the pain sucked. So the left side wasn't too bad. Then of course we notice fluid on the left side like there was on the right side. Dr. Mess poked around and ended up getting 70cc out of that side.
At first I started thinking that it was a large amount for her to have to drain out of me, but considering the drains had been removed on Thursday, those amounts of fluid weren't too bad. I can live with that. Hopefully when I go back on Monday we won't have to drain anymore fluid, but you never know.
So the injections didn't take too long. I got 120cc put in to each side. This essentially took me to being an A cup. I am proud of that A cup right now. At least I'm not completely flat chested. The scarring still looks pretty bad to me and I am struggling with it, but hey, I'll eventually find acceptance to all of this, right?
After we left from my appointment I finally realized why I was given Compazine. A ginormous wave of nausea hit me and I wanted to toss my cookies. So instead of throwing up, I had Andy turn the air up to cool me off in hopes of me not getting sick. We get down the road a few miles and my personality came out. I told him that he needed to turn the AC down cause my nipples were going to fall off they were so cold. The humor in that is that I don't have nipples anymore. I thought it was funny. I think Andy thought I was out of my mind. Maybe at that point I was, but ya know what? I walked out of Dr. Mess' office with an A cup, and that was a win win situation.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! This sucks. That's exactly what I was saying. Dr. Mess had to remind me to breathe cause all I could think was to hold my breath and maybe that would hold off the pain. Yeah, no bueno. That didn't work for me.
She did notice that I had some fluid under the armpit, or the side boob as some would call it. She ended up poking around and pulling 50cc out of the right side after she had done my saline injection.
Switch to the left side and that didn't hurt as bad. Felt pretty normal. Was doing fine and wasn't cussing about how bad the pain sucked. So the left side wasn't too bad. Then of course we notice fluid on the left side like there was on the right side. Dr. Mess poked around and ended up getting 70cc out of that side.
At first I started thinking that it was a large amount for her to have to drain out of me, but considering the drains had been removed on Thursday, those amounts of fluid weren't too bad. I can live with that. Hopefully when I go back on Monday we won't have to drain anymore fluid, but you never know.
So the injections didn't take too long. I got 120cc put in to each side. This essentially took me to being an A cup. I am proud of that A cup right now. At least I'm not completely flat chested. The scarring still looks pretty bad to me and I am struggling with it, but hey, I'll eventually find acceptance to all of this, right?
After we left from my appointment I finally realized why I was given Compazine. A ginormous wave of nausea hit me and I wanted to toss my cookies. So instead of throwing up, I had Andy turn the air up to cool me off in hopes of me not getting sick. We get down the road a few miles and my personality came out. I told him that he needed to turn the AC down cause my nipples were going to fall off they were so cold. The humor in that is that I don't have nipples anymore. I thought it was funny. I think Andy thought I was out of my mind. Maybe at that point I was, but ya know what? I walked out of Dr. Mess' office with an A cup, and that was a win win situation.
Friday, August 2, 2013
I Hate You and Then Some!
As I updated my status on Facebook earlier today, I didn't quite say as much as I wanted to. I simply started out with this:
I want to elaborate on this more. Let you into my head a little bit more. If you can't take the negativity, then I am sorry, but please use the red X in the corner. I have these things rolling in my head and I can't let them stay there. I can only hope that my words can somehow help others who are going through the same thing or will be going through the same thing. My thoughts may help someone to not feel alone in the things they think of themselves after they have started their process.
I didn't have too much of a problem removing the bandages yesterday. It was freeing actually. I took the picture not for me, but for others to see the journey. The beginning of this if you will. The picture isn't what really bothered me to tell you the truth.
While Renee, Dr. Mess' nurse removed my tape and drain tubes, that is when I got a really good look at the purple lines that were drawn on me. Those purple lines were put there the day of my surgery. They were the outline of MY breasts. I assume that they were put there to help Dr. Mess to know where to put the tissue expanders to make me look as normal as possible. To look at these purple lines and then to look at the horrific marks left behind is emotionally........I don't even have the right word for it.
So that was emotional, and it only got worse last night. I was changing my clothes to get into bed. I was able to take the surgical bra off and put on a camisole which is a bit more comfortable, but still sucks. So in this process, I was able to look at the train wreck even closer. Tears started falling and couldn't stop. Even after I was drug out of the bathroom and dressed.
This morning I was digging through my closet to try and find something to wear. That's too tight. That's too low cut. That's not big enough to hide the ugly. That shirt will do what I need it to, but I can't get it on because it hurts my arms to try and force the clothing on myself. So I settled for a t-shirt and my yoga pants.
Oh, let's not forget the moment I looked in the mirror after I was dressed and started to brush my teeth. Wow.....I look about 6 months pregnant. *Sigh* I can't fucking win for losing. Go ahead, bring on the looks from people who want to ask me how far along I am, cause I got several of those looks today. I know what they look like, I have been that judgmental person and have had the same look on my face. I have been stupid enough to ask that question.
Maybe this is the lesson that I am supposed to learn from all of this. Maybe I am supposed to learn to keep my mouth shut. Maybe I am supposed to be less judgmental unless I know the entire story. Maybe I am being punished for all those times that I hurt other people and didn't care as long as it didn't effect me.
So what really was the point of this post? I guess for me to just get some negativity out. To finally come out and say how much I hate myself and how disgusted I am with myself. I already didn't feel pretty. Now.....well I feel repulsive and would understand if others saw me that way too.
“I hate you. I look in the mirror
and all I want to do is break it that way I don't have to see the truth. The
truth is hurtful. Scars that are awful. Lines of the former me. I'm alot fatter
than I thought I was. At least you used to be able to hide that for me. You've
made me cry. You've made me feel awful, and now you make me feel uglier than I
already did. Oh how I hate you.”
I want to elaborate on this more. Let you into my head a little bit more. If you can't take the negativity, then I am sorry, but please use the red X in the corner. I have these things rolling in my head and I can't let them stay there. I can only hope that my words can somehow help others who are going through the same thing or will be going through the same thing. My thoughts may help someone to not feel alone in the things they think of themselves after they have started their process.
I didn't have too much of a problem removing the bandages yesterday. It was freeing actually. I took the picture not for me, but for others to see the journey. The beginning of this if you will. The picture isn't what really bothered me to tell you the truth.
While Renee, Dr. Mess' nurse removed my tape and drain tubes, that is when I got a really good look at the purple lines that were drawn on me. Those purple lines were put there the day of my surgery. They were the outline of MY breasts. I assume that they were put there to help Dr. Mess to know where to put the tissue expanders to make me look as normal as possible. To look at these purple lines and then to look at the horrific marks left behind is emotionally........I don't even have the right word for it.
So that was emotional, and it only got worse last night. I was changing my clothes to get into bed. I was able to take the surgical bra off and put on a camisole which is a bit more comfortable, but still sucks. So in this process, I was able to look at the train wreck even closer. Tears started falling and couldn't stop. Even after I was drug out of the bathroom and dressed.
This morning I was digging through my closet to try and find something to wear. That's too tight. That's too low cut. That's not big enough to hide the ugly. That shirt will do what I need it to, but I can't get it on because it hurts my arms to try and force the clothing on myself. So I settled for a t-shirt and my yoga pants.
Oh, let's not forget the moment I looked in the mirror after I was dressed and started to brush my teeth. Wow.....I look about 6 months pregnant. *Sigh* I can't fucking win for losing. Go ahead, bring on the looks from people who want to ask me how far along I am, cause I got several of those looks today. I know what they look like, I have been that judgmental person and have had the same look on my face. I have been stupid enough to ask that question.
Maybe this is the lesson that I am supposed to learn from all of this. Maybe I am supposed to learn to keep my mouth shut. Maybe I am supposed to be less judgmental unless I know the entire story. Maybe I am being punished for all those times that I hurt other people and didn't care as long as it didn't effect me.
So what really was the point of this post? I guess for me to just get some negativity out. To finally come out and say how much I hate myself and how disgusted I am with myself. I already didn't feel pretty. Now.....well I feel repulsive and would understand if others saw me that way too.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
6 Days Post Mastectomy
So I went in at 7:00am on Friday July 29th for the mastectomy. I was terrified to say the least. There was a lot of anxiety, a lot of anger, a lot of tears and everything else in between. I didn't balk on it, so my journey is continuing.
I was finally taken back to surgery after have a radioactive dye shot into my right nipple and massaged in to take pictures of where lymph nodes were. This was rather interesting and educational so I knew what nodes Dr. Jacobs would be taking out. After that I was wheeled back to my pre-op room to wait on Dr. Mess to arrive and have me sign all of the day of surgery consent forms.
My anesthesiologist came out to get me and gave me a kick ass cocktail that had me pretty out of it before they could truly knock me out in the OR. I only slightly remember pieces of words that everyone was saying before I was completely under.
I came out of surgery screaming bloody murder and begging for them to drug me as much as possible because the pain was too much to handle. Whatever they happened to give me worked pretty well as I slept and didn't feel much of anything.
My day was filled with nurses coming in and out to check my vitals, dose me with more Morphine, ask me how I was feeling and to empty my drain tubes. Sleep wasn't too good that night, and it was okay for the most part.
The next day Dr. Mess came in and said that with as good as I looked and how chipper I appeared, I could go home after lunch. GOOD DEAL!! Dr. Jacobs came in a bit later and said about the same as Dr. Mess. Not long after that I found myself headed home.
I set up camp for a couple of days on the couch so that I could sleep and not hurt any part of myself. That worked, but I wasn't able to sleep next to Andy which made me a bit restless. Finally on Tuesday night I was able to be propped up and sleep in my own bed while holding my husband's hand. Sleep was peaceful.
Today I went to see Dr. Mess. I had the bandages removed and cried. I guess seeing them bandaged up versus without the bandages is two entirely different things. It was highly emotional. I also had the pleasure of having the drain tubes removed. It was not nearly as horrific as I have read all over the internet.
Now all I have to do is go back on Monday for Dr. Mess to check me again, and if all is well, I may, just may get my first saline injection. Then on Tuesday I get to see Miss Vickie and Dr. Jacobs so they can see how I am and hopefully give me the results of the pathology report of the lymph nodes that were taken out.
For now though, I am going to take my meds and try to get some sleep. Thank you all for the continued prayers, thoughts and blessings. They mean more to me than most of you know. Much love to all of you while you are loving me through this.
I was finally taken back to surgery after have a radioactive dye shot into my right nipple and massaged in to take pictures of where lymph nodes were. This was rather interesting and educational so I knew what nodes Dr. Jacobs would be taking out. After that I was wheeled back to my pre-op room to wait on Dr. Mess to arrive and have me sign all of the day of surgery consent forms.
My anesthesiologist came out to get me and gave me a kick ass cocktail that had me pretty out of it before they could truly knock me out in the OR. I only slightly remember pieces of words that everyone was saying before I was completely under.
I came out of surgery screaming bloody murder and begging for them to drug me as much as possible because the pain was too much to handle. Whatever they happened to give me worked pretty well as I slept and didn't feel much of anything.
My day was filled with nurses coming in and out to check my vitals, dose me with more Morphine, ask me how I was feeling and to empty my drain tubes. Sleep wasn't too good that night, and it was okay for the most part.
The next day Dr. Mess came in and said that with as good as I looked and how chipper I appeared, I could go home after lunch. GOOD DEAL!! Dr. Jacobs came in a bit later and said about the same as Dr. Mess. Not long after that I found myself headed home.
I set up camp for a couple of days on the couch so that I could sleep and not hurt any part of myself. That worked, but I wasn't able to sleep next to Andy which made me a bit restless. Finally on Tuesday night I was able to be propped up and sleep in my own bed while holding my husband's hand. Sleep was peaceful.
Today I went to see Dr. Mess. I had the bandages removed and cried. I guess seeing them bandaged up versus without the bandages is two entirely different things. It was highly emotional. I also had the pleasure of having the drain tubes removed. It was not nearly as horrific as I have read all over the internet.
Now all I have to do is go back on Monday for Dr. Mess to check me again, and if all is well, I may, just may get my first saline injection. Then on Tuesday I get to see Miss Vickie and Dr. Jacobs so they can see how I am and hopefully give me the results of the pathology report of the lymph nodes that were taken out.
For now though, I am going to take my meds and try to get some sleep. Thank you all for the continued prayers, thoughts and blessings. They mean more to me than most of you know. Much love to all of you while you are loving me through this.
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