I'm not really sure what my deal is with being an emotional mess.
I've had some personal things happen with my family in the last few days, which I am sure is contributing to the emotional mess, but I was feeling like this before all of that. I don't like talking about those personal things, just know that it is not the kind of thing I need to be dealing with after all of the things I have already dealt with just with my health.
I know when I posted the other day, I mentioned doing a whole bunch of crying. It just seems to be getting worse. I'm not really sure if my regular meds are working as they should be. Probably should say something to the doctor about that.
I know that my expectations of people are pretty high. In fact I would expect them to show me the same kind of courtesy that I have shown them during difficult times in their lives. This is where I have started to realize how many people that have been in my life really don't give a damn, and frankly they never have. I see that now.
Granted I posted how I was doing on Facebook, but since the surgery, I have had 1 friend, ONE call me to ask me how I was doing. I then had 1 other person shoot me a message to ask me how I was doing. Do you know how lonely it is to realize when you don't really have friends? I'm not talking about the 54 amazing ladies who have been there to listen to me and be there for me through this.
I am talking about people who I have met in person. People I have spent time with. People who know the real me and not just the me they see on the computer. It's pretty damn lonely that these people who have pretended for years upon years to be your friend, only to show that they don't care.
Granted I beat a cancer that was pretty easy to beat because of finding it as soon as I did. Of course because I didn't have to do chemo or radiation and lose my hair, it's not a bad enough cancer to have support. In fact, it's a cancer that most people wouldn't consider cancer because it doesn't require the harsh drugs.
I've heard reactions from people who have laughed about it. It's no big deal. You'll get over it. Mind you, these are people who swore were my friends. I've had people make comments about me not looking like I have endured all of these surgeries.
Just because I am not deathly ill from chemo and such doesn't mean that this whole process hasn't been painful. Sure, 3 surgeries in a 6 month time span sucks, a lot. I have watched anesthesia cause me to lose big chunks of my hair. I've watched my scalp starting to show right in the front unless I have my hair all scrunched up into curls or pulled up in a pony tail. I have gone from having my own breasts that I liked, to having no breasts with nasty scars, to weekly injections that hurt and caused excrutiating pain, while looking at misshapen objects that were put in place of my boobs. Then I go in and have the implants put in. They look beautiful, despite the nasty scars that are on them, but they really aren't mine. The pain from the lipo is more than I can deal with. I can't hold my kids, I can't lay how I want to. Sleep is avoiding me. Frankly I am miserable right now, and just wish that the healing were over and I could go on with my life.
That's just the physical aspect of it all. The emotional aspect is even harder to deal with. I've spent the majority of this time making jokes about it. I laugh about having wanted new boobs, but I sure didn't want to get them because of cancer. I laughed about the perk of lipo so that I could at least lose some of this weight, but that is just another mask. I still hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I honestly hate myself and what I see. Obviously this is how others see me as the personal issues just continue. I obviously have very little value, or people would stop making things in my life more complicated than they already are, especially 5 days after a major surgery.
I am constantly putting a smile on when I really don't want to. I have to put this facade on so that people won't question my ability to be a good wife, daughter, mom and friend. Inside I am dying though. I can't be the real me without people making comments like previously mentioned.
This has not been an easy journey. This is the ugly side of this disease. I can't speak for everyone else out there who has dealt with breast cancer, but I'm sure the consensus would be that more often than not you just have to fake it to make it. Reality is, people don't want to see the truth about how this disease tears the person apart. Sure, in the long run you can hold your head up and say that you beat it, but just muddling through it day after day is the hard part.
Sorry for such a long post. I have a ton of thoughts rolling around and I'm trying to get them out while I'm waiting on the pain meds to kick in and just make me pass out. If some of this doesn't make sense, please refer back to the statement of me being on heavy duty pain meds.
While I may be struggling right now, I wish you all a beautiful and blessed day.
Cancer is cancer. I can't believe there are people saying it "isn't really cancer." Wow. That's just fucking crazy. I think sometimes people don't know how to react I guess, even though it makes them sound like total douchebags. I definitely don't condone what they say or think just for the record. I know I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, to take away the stress and pain. I've always seen cancer from the outside, so I have no idea what it's like to go through it. But to downplay what you've gone through is just cruel and heartless. Really.
ReplyDeleteBut you know when we were in junior high I had watched my grandpa go through brain cancer, and then my mom. I know how devastating the effects are not only physically but emotionally. Cancer can make people almost afraid of you, like if they get too close, they'll get it, too. It makes people think about how they could be sick, too, and about how life for every living thing eventually comes to an end. I didn't even have cancer, and people avoided me like the plague. They just knew my close relatives did.
I think you're brave for showing exactly how cancer has affected you physically and emotionally. It takes a lot of courage to not only kick its ass, but also to show your vulnerability to the world, too. Just know that there are plenty of family and friends who are cheering you on even if it doesn't feel like it on your most down days. Even though you found out some weren't the kind of friends you thought they were, you aren't alone.
On some level I understand not knowing what to say. Sometimes it's not even saying anything with much content. It's the thought of simply saying, "I hope you feel okay." I don't remember your grandpa dealing with cancer, but I do remember your mom. Having gone through what you did at our age, I wouldn't say that you see it from the outside. You saw the effects of it, you lived with the pain of it even though it wasn't you physically, but emotionally. I appreciate your words Jennifer. They mean a ton to me.
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