I Hate You and Then Some!

As I updated my status on Facebook earlier today, I didn't quite say as much as I wanted to.  I simply started out with this:

“I hate you. I look in the mirror and all I want to do is break it that way I don't have to see the truth. The truth is hurtful. Scars that are awful. Lines of the former me. I'm alot fatter than I thought I was. At least you used to be able to hide that for me. You've made me cry. You've made me feel awful, and now you make me feel uglier than I already did. Oh how I hate you.”

I want to elaborate on this more.  Let you into my head a little bit more.  If you can't take the negativity, then I am sorry, but please use the red X in the corner.  I have these things rolling in my head and I can't let them stay there.  I can only hope that my words can somehow help others who are going through the same thing or will be going through the same thing.  My thoughts may help someone to not feel alone in the things they think of themselves after they have started their process.

I didn't have too much of a problem removing the bandages yesterday.  It was freeing actually.  I took the picture not for me, but for others to see the journey.  The beginning of this if you will.  The picture isn't what really bothered me to tell you the truth.

While Renee, Dr. Mess' nurse removed my tape and drain tubes, that is when I got a really good look at the purple lines that were drawn on me.  Those purple lines were put there the day of my surgery.  They were the outline of MY breasts.  I assume that they were put there to help Dr. Mess to know where to put the tissue expanders to make me look as normal as possible.  To look at these purple lines and then to look at the horrific marks left behind is emotionally........I don't even have the right word for it.

So that was emotional, and it only got worse last night.  I was changing my clothes to get into bed.  I was able to take the surgical bra off and put on a camisole which is a bit more comfortable, but still sucks.  So in this process, I was able to look at the train wreck even closer.  Tears started falling and couldn't stop.  Even after I was drug out of the bathroom and dressed.

This morning I was digging through my closet to try and find something to wear.  That's too tight.  That's too low cut.  That's not big enough to hide the ugly.  That shirt will do what I need it to, but I can't get it on because it hurts my arms to try and force the clothing on myself.  So I settled for a t-shirt and my yoga pants.
Oh, let's not forget the moment I looked in the mirror after I was dressed and started to brush my teeth. Wow.....I look about 6 months pregnant.  *Sigh*  I can't fucking win for losing.  Go ahead, bring on the looks from people who want to ask me how far along I am, cause I got several of those looks today.  I know what they look like, I have been that judgmental person and have had the same look on my face.  I have been stupid enough to ask that question.

Maybe this is the lesson that I am supposed to learn from all of this.  Maybe I am supposed to learn to keep my mouth shut.  Maybe I am supposed to be less judgmental unless I know the entire story.  Maybe I am being punished for all those times that I hurt other people and didn't care as long as it didn't effect me.

So what really was the point of this post?  I guess for me to just get some negativity out.  To finally come out and say how much I hate myself and how disgusted I am with myself.  I already didn't feel pretty. Now.....well I feel repulsive and would understand if others saw me that way too.