Some Random Ramblings

The sermon at church today was just beautiful.  I wish that Andy had gone with me so that he could have heard it.  Maybe it would have made him understand what I am asking of him as my husband.

The sermon was about when Jesus was asking Peter, "Do you love me?"  I think I spent most of the sermon focused on how it was broken down during children's moment.  Sorry Pastor Dave.  Anyhow, it was about how we know that someone loves us.  The children came up with answers such as: hugs, feeding you, talking to you, listening to you and smiling at you.  I know that those things sure can make a bad day seem a little bit better.

Now don't take this the wrong way.  I have no doubts that my husband loves me, it's just that he is not very good at showing it at all.  I guess I've focused too much on the times that he's not been there either physically or emotionally.  I guess that I just need to be reassured in my own way that he is in this with me and backing me up.

I know that I am not facing a terminal cancer, or anything close to it, but it is cancer.  It is scary.  I just want to know that when it comes to him that I am not alone.  Sometimes I wonder if asking that of him is just too much.  I don't really know.

I think one of the other things that scares me is the effects of the impending surgery.  I have had some serious image issues my whole life.  Guess that can't be avoided when people are so cruel to you growing up.  I'm still trying to work beyond all of the hurtful things that have been said to me for so long.  Then I think of this surgery and what it will take from me.  Sure, they can remove my breast and reconstruct it.  Some people may think, "At least you will have it replaced."  It won't be the same though, and I know that.  That seems to me that it will just feed into the things that I have been trying for so long to get past.  Hopefully, it won't knock me down too much.

Well, hopefully I'll have some kind of a real update for ya'll tomorrow.  With that being said, I'm gonna finish watching Fluffy (Gabriel Iglesias), tonight's episode of Army Wives and then hit the hay.  Hope ya'll have a great night.