It's Just One of Those Days

I still haven't heard anything back from Dr. Jacobs.  That kinda does bother me.  I'm sure that when I am meant to know what the MRI said, I will.  So for now, the ramblings for the day are just random things rolling through my head.

Nightmares suck.  I'm pretty darn tired, but everytime I lay down to sleep, the worst comes to me.  I wish I could just turn that part off.  I find myself staying up until I just pass out.  Trying to fall asleep on my own is just too hard at the moment.  Of course when I get beyond the nightmares, I sleep pretty good.  So what's the problem?  I'm waking up just before 8, regardless of what time I go to sleep.

I sometimes find myself getting discouraged over things in life.  Most of it is feeling alone, which I know is not true.  Just feels that way.  Then worrying about being selfish to take care of me, when I should be taking care of everyone else.  That is my purpose, right?  I should be taking care of the kids, taking care of Andy, taking care of momma, taking care of my schoolwork and everything else that happens to come my way.

I honestly worry about if I'll have all the help that I need to recover when I have the next surgery, or if I'll still be neglecting myself as I have done for so long.  Then I'm worried about if I am selfish and take care of me, I'm going to end up pissing people off because I can't do this or that.  It just feels like this is getting more and more complicated while I'm doing the hurry up and wait thing.

I've done so much reading up on what to expect, but sometimes I would just rather hear from someone else who is going through the same thing.  I decided to look around and see if there were any blogs that I could read and see how they coped with things.  Most of the blogs I have found thus far, the ladies have Stage 3 and Stage 4 cancer.  I start reading some of the things they are dealing with and then I feel like I'm just being a big baby about my cancer and that mine isn't nearly as important or scary.  Hell, even some of the articles that I have come across have even said that my kind of cancer isn't cancer at all.  Talk about that making me feel even shittier for feeling the way that I do.

Of course stuff like that is where I get angry too.  John Hopkins, who mind you is one of the top hospitals in the country and the 3rd overall for cancer treatment says that my cancer is cancer.  So reading such nonsense where people don't know what they are talking about, just pisses me off.

Okay, now I'm just rambling.  I'm gonna go and relax for a little bit, gather my thoughts a bit more, and come back to this in a little bit.  I hope that all of you are having a good day.