For the last several months on the 11th of each month, I would find myself having terrible anxiety attacks. These were not just the kind where you felt off-kilter. These were the kind where you felt like you were having a heart attack and there was no relief until the anxiety was gone. So what does this really have to do with my breast cancer and my war against it? It actually has a lot to do with it.
On November 11th, 2012, I lost one of the greatest men I could have ever been blessed with in this lifetime. My Papaw was such a source of strength for me. Growing up without a dad, he took on that role. So when I buried him, I buried 2 people: My Papaw, and the man who stood in the place of my absent father. Having taken on such a big and noble role, when he spoke, I knew I needed to listen. As he always did in life, he would harp on you to get stuff done. Don't believe it? Ask any of my family members and they will tell you. Papaw always had this belief that when a bill arrived in the mail, that bill should have been paid a week before it arrived. Sometimes, we still joke about this as a lighthearted moment to remember him. So how does my story about Papaw relate to my battle? Well, this is how.
I didn't realize until I got my diagnosis, what exactly had been going on with those middle of the night/early morning anxiety attacks. I figured that because of the date, it was just me hitting another date without Papaw and my grief just overwhelming me. Little did I know, I was getting a message from Papaw about what I needed to do.
In the middle of having these attacks it wasn't just the horrific chest pain that bothered me, it was the fact that my right breast had so much pain radiating around it. This is where I found myself praying a lot and having conversations with Papaw. I'm sure anyone who would have drove or walked by at 2:30 am would have thought I was crazy with me sitting on the front porch bargaining with God and Papaw to make me feel better. I didn't realize it at the time, but I would soon understand.
While talking with Dr. Jacobs upon getting my diagnosis, the light bulb finally clicked on. Papaw was telling me that there was something wrong and it needed to be taken care of last week, like that bill you just received in the mail. How could I be so sure this was the message from beyond that I received? Well, I'll tell you how.
When I started seeing Dr. Jacobs and going through all of the stuff to find out what was going on with me, the 2:30 am, horrifying anxiety attacks stopped. Yes, that means, when the 11th rolled around last month, I didn't find myself on my knees begging to feel better. For the anxiety to stop. For the pain to stop. For relief. I found myself at ease. I was finally taking care of the very thing that Papaw was pointing out to me from the Heavens above.
So here I sit on the same night that I've had this recurring anxiety. At this point in the night, I would be feeling the anxiety start to rise. You know what's great? It's not. I feel like a wave of peace is washing over me. Yes Papaw, I got your message, and I'm taking care of it right now.
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